A Blog For Me & This One Is Moving

This will come off as snotty & snide.. If you get offended then you do. I'm not going to apologize. My frustration level has hit it's peak. Maybe this will be good maybe it will end up being a train wreck, but here goes.

I am DONE being criticized for doing the absolute best that I can in taking care of my parents. I have recently been informed that my parents' information shouldn't be out for everyone to read, that I write the blogs for attention, & that I'm flat out doing a shitty job taking care of them.

Here's the deal, My folks KNOW about this blog. They SUPPORT this blog. This is a fast way to update EVERYONE instead of making a million phone calls to let everyone know how they're doing & listen to them stutter as they try to find some sort if genius answer. There is NO genius answer. There is NO 'right' answer. This is merely what is going on in my mom & dad's life. I am NOT doing this without their permission, I wouldn't DREAM of it.

Some people are very private. My folks believe that if their information helps someone else, than it was worth it. Even if it's ONLY ONE person. I imagine people have stumbled upon my blog while searching answers on information for chemo. This is NOT a medical website, this is the true life happenings of what my mom has gone & is going through.

This is also information on what my dad has gone through as well. His mystery illness that we still do NOT have a diagnosis for. Someone in California could be reading this & say, "Hey my dad had that, he passed away but he had THIS!" I get an email telling me their story & have my dad's doctor's check it out & we could FINALLY have that desperate answer that we've been searching for. Is it a long shot? YES! But we're quickly running out of options with my dad. So to those who think it's too much to put out there. This is why. Yes they know about it.

Now onto the whole attention thing... Seriously? I can think of a million other things that I'd want attention or kudos for than taking care of my parents. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. It is unbelievable HELL watching your parents be ill in front of you. Watching them go from active healthy adults to shells of who they used to be. If I REALLY wanted the attention, I'd be making individual phone calls to discuss and beat the proverbial dead horse.

And on to the last accusation of me not taking good care of my parents. I am NOT a Nurse, I am NOT even REMOTELY in the medical field. My folks do NOT want a home healthcare nurse. That leaves me. I see very few people willing to come and visit and even fewer coming to actually help take care of them with me. A lot of people won't even call & DEPEND on this blog so they are not put in the situation of trying to find SOMETHING 'right' to say. Exactly what DO you say to someone who openly admits that she's dying? What DO you say to someone who says, "No I'm not feeling well today." I'm sorry. That's a pretty short conversation. Many won't talk about what is going on in their lives because they suddenly feel as though it's insignificant compared to what my folks are going through. Yanno, Hearing your 'insignificant' stuff makes my folks FEEL NORMAL!!! There are NO miracle words to say right now. There never will be.

I guess in short I'm saying, if you don't like something I'm doing, come to me with it. Do not run your mouths about me to other people. Better yet, offer to help or say, "Hey, here's an idea." There is NO book on how to properly take care of your parents. I have asked & asked again if anyone knows of any caretaker classes so that *I* can GET BETTER at taking care of them. Right now I'm doing the absolute best that I can. Don't like it? Offer to help. Chances are, you won't be turned down.

If you don't like the blogs then don't read them. It's that simple.

Here's the only absolute thing that I can promise you. If you are going to say something nasty about me taking care of my parents, their blog, or anything of the like, you will NOT like my response. At this point, I do NOT have time to sit around and think about what everyone else will think when I post something. If anything offends you, this happens to be YOUR problem.

All of this being said, If you've offered to help, it's appreciated. If you've called & talked about insignificant stuff, it's appreciated. If you've prayed for my folks, it's appreciated. If you've come to see them, it's really appreciated.

~Lisa

This is the link to their new blog. This way, if you don't like it, you can't just click on it & see, you have to be approved. NEW BLOG

She's Going To Try Again.

Dr. Sriratna called yesterday & told mom that he wants to do a 3 day chemo. Monday, Tuesday, & Wednesday mom will receive chemo. Then she'll have a month off (I believe that's how he said it, if I'm wrong I'll correct it later today). I honestly think that 3-5 month prognosis scared her. I'm all for her doing & continuing chemo unless, it makes her sick like it did last time.

Here comes more heartwrenching possibly bad news. Mom has been saying for a few weeks that her pain meds are not helping her back & right hip. (She has degenerative disc disease) She's had numerous back surgeries to try and help with the discs that are more or less falling apart. I've noticed her struggling a little bit more as she tries to stand, lay down, sit down, etc. I said, "Mom what's going on?" She said, "My meds aren't working. Nothing is working." I said, "It's ok mom, it's probably just the chemo making you feel worse." I am pretty sure I was wrong. She is having no side effects from the chemo that she had almost 2 weeks ago, yet the pain is still there.

Side story...It was around 7 am & I was sitting out in the garage talking to Mike. It hit me.. slowly but it hit. I'm wondering if the cancer hasn't spread to her bones. I mentioned it to Mike & he said, "Maybe." I have since done a ton of research on Stage IV Lung Cancer & Bone Pain. After reading & reading some more it is fairly common for Lung Cancer to spread to the bone. This lessens the length of life. As I discussed this with mom she had already thought of that. I asked what would happen on her autopsy? What would they put for her cause of death? Stage IV Lung Cancer? Bone Cancer? Fallopian Tube Cancer? All 3? She said, "Since my cancer started out in my Fallopian Tubes that would be considered the cause of death unless something catastrophic happens."

*biiiig deeeeepp breath*

I'm glad that my mom is so open to talking about everything because if I wasn't allowed to talk to her about it I would most likely be a basket case by now. I can talk to many people about it, but she's going through it. I'm taking notes in my head about everything. How this happened, how that happened. She is using some of the information that she has from my aunt & gramma's deaths. I guess maybe I'm doing the same thing? I'm unsure.

I still say that all of this is happening too fast. I would like for mom to get a test done to see if it has in fact gone to her bones but she says, "No, I already know I'm dying, and I already know the cause, you will get all the information from the autopsy." I'm perfectly fine with this because she's right, why in the world would/should she go through another test when we already know the outcome? I digress...

Moving on to dad.. He's doing ok. Not great, but ok. He has a Dr appointment Monday w/ the neuro. We are interested in seeing what she has to say since there is some improvement with his functions. She was completely against letting him try this Parkinson's medicine. We're hoping that she ups it just a little bit. Then, with any hope he'll do ok.

I think this is all for now, hopefully everything goes well on Monday. Will blog after their appointments unless something else comes up!

Mom & Dad's Dr. Appointment w/ the GP

This really should just be titled dad's appointment. Mom didn't go because she wasn't feeling well. She couldn't even remember why she was going. She thought it was for a check up & she said, "I've had enough check ups!" Dad & I got in the van and left. I had to pick up an rx for her & they didn't do it right. She's calling this morning to complain.

They already had dad in a room when I got back to where he was. I said, "Dad, will he be a few minutes I have got to pee!" He said, "Yes, he should be." He was wrong.. I was gone literally 2 minutes and Dr. Jani was in the room with him already! LOL!

He started asking questions about the form that he needed to fill out. As we talked dad said that it felt like they needed to up his Parkinson's meds. He said, "They seem to work for about 6 hours and then they don't." Dr. Jani raised an eye brow. He looked at me kind of questioning if I agreed that the meds were working. I said, "Yes, but they are wearing out too early. He is doing GREAT on them!" I said, "He doesn't stumble, stutter, and his memory seems to be a bit better." I said, "HE LAUGHS!! It's been so long since he's laughed!" Dr. Jani said that he wasn't convinced that dad had Parkinson's & wasn't ready to give him that official diagnosis. He said, "If you do have Parkinson's than you are showing in an Atypical way." He said, "On the other hand, if someone gave me medicine for Parkinson's it wouldn't work for me, so the fact that you are having improvement is proof that there is something neurological going on." *nods* We know this.

Then came the rough topic. My mom. I said, "Mom is obviously not here. She wasn't feeling well but also couldn't remember why she made the appointment, if it was for a check up or what." Then dad started in.. "She went to the Cancer Center yesterday and they gave her 2 bags of fluid (he held his hands up to show Dr. Jani how big the bags were) while exclaiming how big the bags were." Dad said, "She spent the past week in bed, she's lost 14 lbs, they've given her 3-5 months to live." I interjected and said, "Daddy, that's only if she stops chemo." Dad said, "If it makes her sick she's done".. his face contorted. I jumped up to stand by him. Within seconds he was sobbing. Dr. Jani said, "I'm sorry sir, I'm really sorry sir." Through the tears dad said, "She's sick and I can't take care of her. I can't take this from her." I looked up at the ceiling & rubbed dad's back. Dr. Jani was rubbing the other side of dad. He said, "Sir, she's been fighting this for so long, she's done so well!!" Dad cried harder. I looked over at Dr. Jani & his eyes were filled with tears. He took his glasses off & said, "Sir you're making me cry!" Dad apologized for breaking down and crying. Dr. Jani said, "It's all right, all of this is hard." I looked at Dr. Jani & said, "A year from November will be 40 years that they've been married." He shook his head, it wasn't a no, it wasn't a yes, it was more of an "I understand" shake. (I hope that makes sense.)

Dr. Jani said, "We'll get that blood test for you." Dad thanked him & the nurse came in within a few seconds. Dad tried to stand up out of the chair & he fell right back down. The nurse and I both grabbed for him. I'll have to check his arms this morning to see if I scratched him. I was trying to lessen his fall. He stumbled a little bit and the nurse looked him in the eye & said, "Paul are you ok?" He said, "Yeah, am ok." She became more stern & said, "Are you sure?" He said, "Yeah."

We got his blood work & did the normal trip to Wal-Mart after any type of appointment & came home.

*insert numbness*

A few days ago I felt as though I couldn't stop crying. The past few days I'm so incredibly numb. I see all of this, I don't cry. I feel sympathy and sadness, but I can't cry. It sort of pisses me off because I feel cold hearted. In any other circumstance I would've been bawling right along with dad. I just couldn't. I don't know if I wouldn't let myself or what. I think this is the most difficult. All through out life I could NEVER see my mom cry & me not join in with her. Going through a 1/2 a box of tissues would've been nothing if mom & I are both crying. Now I just can't. I can't relax enough I guess. I'm numb. I feel like a robot. I have stuff to do & I don't have time to cry. I don't have time to do anything but make sure that my folks are ok. I'm fine with this. I don't mind taking care of them at all. I see their daily struggles with that I also see their daily triumphs too. I digress.

This was dad's appointment yesterday. Mom did ok yesterday. She was out of the bed most of the day. Then she was up late too. She is amazed at how much better she feels with fluids. I really need to find a caretaker class. I feel like I should've known that she was dehydrated. I should know all of this stuff. I just don't.

Until later today or tomorrow....

Rough Day

I knew today would be rough. I didn't expect it to be this rough. I called mom this morning to see how she was doing. She said, "I feel gaggy & I am NOT doing ANY MORE CHEMO!" She was steadfast on this. I said, "Mom, we've told you before & will continue to reiterate this, it's YOUR body, YOUR rules." I've never been so serious about anything in my life. Dad was going to lay back down so I figured that I'd be taking her down. I think dad was just too stressed to actually do it.

I got there to pick her up & asked dad if he wanted to take her (he was still in bed). He said, "Maybe you should just take her." I said, "Ok daddy, no problem." I left him a note on his counter that said something to the fact of, "Daddy I'll take care of her today & make sure that all of her stuff gets picked up." Mom & I left & we chatted some. She admitted about the time we hit the 4 way stop here in town (66 & 24) that when she looked in the mirror she thought to herself that she looked like she had cancer. She said, "What do you think?" I said nothing. Finally I said, "What do you think about this hot weather?" She said, "I hate it! Gary can keep his hot weather in Florida!" LOL! She said, "I noticed you changed the subject." I said, "Yes, I did." I looked out the window breathing deeply so I wouldn't cry. We chatted a little bit more about stuff in general.

As we got there mom said, "I'm just gonna sit on the bench inside the doors, I'm too weak to walk back." I said, "That's fine mom, I've gotcha." I parked & made it into where she was & got her wheel chair out. I sat her at the end of a row of chairs. & checked her in. I said, "She's supposed to get chemo today but she's done with chemo, she's not doing it anymore." They called her back for her blood work. After an hour of being there mom was getting more tired by the minute. While we were waiting for that hour to pass, my mom looked at me with extremely tired eyes & said, "Please don't leave me here." I said, "I won't mom, I promise you."

I finally went up & said, "She wants to go home. She's done, she's worn out, this is taking too much out of her." The receptionist told me that more or less she couldn't leave. She NEEDED to see the doctor. Within 5 minutes they had all of mom's stats & we were in a room. Her blood pressure looked good but she has lost 14 lbs in the past week. The doctor came in within a few minutes & said, "You're having side effects from the chemo." Mom said, "If this is what this is like, I'm done, I don't want to do this anymore." The doctor told her that he wanted to give her 2 bags of fluid & some Zofran to help with the nausea. He said, "No chemo this week but we can try to cut it in 1/2 next week." Mom said, "I don't want anymore if it's going to make me sick." He said, "I'm going on a 4 day conference with 40K oncologists to find out the latest information on new treatments." He said, "We'll get you the fluids now, No chemo." He left. Just like that.

The nurse came in literally seconds later & Mom said, "Lisa has questions for the doctor but he didn't give her time to ask them." She said, "I'll go get him." I swear this doctor should be called Houdini, he's in & out of a room in SECONDS! Mom is honestly thinking of getting a new oncologist. He has a classic way of tap dancing around the questions. He came back in & said, "You have questions?" I said, "Yes, how much has mom's cancer grown?" He kind of gave me an "Oh Shit" look. I wasn't about to leave that room until I had NUMBERS! I wanted SIZES! He flipped through her chart for a good 3 minutes. I waited, in silence. I was not moving on until we knew. He said, "A month (I think he meant 2 months) ago it was 1.9 cm, now it's 3.9-4.0 cm. It went from the size of a nickel to the size of a 1/2 dollar. I nodded. Then I asked the million dollar question. If she stops having treatments how long does she have left? He looked down as though he really didn't want to answer. I was expecting 6-9 months. He said, "3-5 months." If I wouldn't have been caught off guard I would've asked him how long with chemo. I guess since I asked him such 'challenging' questions I'll just wait til next week.

The nurse came back in & took mom out to get her fluids. I asked how long it was going to be & she said 4-5 hours. She said that she had to drip it in slow b/c otherwise it would surround her lungs. I got mom settled & questioned her a few times if she was ok since I promised her that I wouldn't leave her there. She said that she was fine. I left & headed back to mom & dad's house to drop their van off & pick my car up. I had called dad to let him know what was going on. I told him everything. By the time I got to their house he was sobbing. I hugged and hugged him. It was wretchedly terrible leaving for work with him crying. I asked a couple times if it was ok if I went to work. As much as I did NOT want to call in, it had crossed my mind with everything going on. He said that it was fine.

I went to work & tried to think of everything but what was going on. I made it through the work day & flew outta there so that I could get back to mom & dad's & check on dad. By the time I got back he was ok. I gave him lunch & asked if he needed anything while I was headed back to Bloomington. He had me pick something up for him at True Value & then I was off to see mom.

I called mom & asked how soon she was to be done & she said that she still had a while yet. I said, "Well while you are doing that I'm going to stop by the other doctor's office & pick up your rx & then get your running around done at Wal-Mart." I stopped by the doctor office & in true fashion they didn't have her rx ready. I went to Wal-Mart & picked up a few things that mom needed & then 3 pairs of her pajamas that she loves.

Side Story, Mike was over there with me before I gave her her shower & she was wearing a ratty Cardinal's shirt & one of the cute pairs of pj pants that I had gotten her for Mother's day. When we got home he told me that it bothered him to see her in a ratty shirt & said that if she was going to wear pajamas they needed to be cute pajamas. He tried getting her some in Pontiac when he went on Sunday but they didn't have them. He said, "On Tuesday when you guys are in Bloomington, stop by Wal-Mart and get her 3 pairs." I was flabberghasted. He said, "Well you know how crappy you feel when you're in ratty clothes, so I figure mom aught look cute in her pjs!" LOL He's just awesome!

Ok back on track ;), As I was almost back to The Cancer Center, mom called. She said, "Where are you?" I said, "I'm on my way back are you ready?" She was. I got her in the car & settled & showed her, her new jammies. She was so happy. I absolutely loved seeing her smile. It's been a while since she has & this was just awesome. I told her about Mike's little ordeal about how she needed cute pj's. She said, "Awww!" LOL!

We talked some more on the way home. She asked me what I thought. I said, "We're getting to the point of having to decide quality of life vs quantity." I didn't go much deeper because I really didn't want to cry. Not yet. We had general conversation on the way home along with a few choice words to the drivers who like to tailgate.

I dropped her off at home & helped her in. Dad got to her and sobbed. I don't think I've ever seen him cry so much. He said, "I've prayed and prayed that God would give me her cancer so she wouldn't have to go." I said, "Dad I've prayed that I could take all of you guys' illnesses away from you so I could have them." That one didn't get answered either.

After everyone got settled, I left to get Kaitlyn from school. We stopped back by to see them on my way home. I made them all sandwiches & chatted for a minute. Then I came home.

It's been a very long & emotionally draining day. At this point we won't know if mom will continue her chemo until next week. If she doesn't she will need all of our support & prayers. I am praying that she does what is right for HER. I'm leaving my selfish wishes out of this. I have to. I want to keep her. *nuff said*

Until tomorrow~Lisa

P.S. I'm asking for everyone who knows her to send her a card. Words of encouragement, Prayers, Hopes, etc. If you have a favorite memory please write it inside.

Memorial Day 2011

Ok so this is the 3rd time I've started this specific blog update. Nothing is coming out right. I don't know why but it's just not. Here's the short of it all. 

Mom spent 1/2 of the day out of bed today. It was nice to see. She went back to bed around 1pm. Mike grilled out & we took dinner down around 7 pm. Mom was in bed & had been since 1. She was worn out from this morning. Tonight I made dad's plate, the babies plates, & my plate. Then I headed back to mom's room w/ Mike & Kaitlyn in tow. We all sat around mom & had dinner with her. As of right now she can only handle soft foods since her mouth is sore from the chemo treatments. This is a known side effect. 

I loathe eating in bed, but we did it. Mike brought her computer chair out & ate at the end of her bed. Kaitlyn & I sat on dad's bed and ate. We chatted just like this was completely normal for us. Normalcy, that's what is so desperately needed. None of this is normal right now. 

While we were chatting with mom, Mike crawled up & laid in bed with mom. It was quite possibly the sweetest thing ever. Mom looked completely comforted by him. Without a doubt, we are so lucky to have him in our lives. He has been nothing but supportive of all of us during this time. Sometimes I forget that he's going through this just as we are. He is not only my rock, but my folks' rock too. He has an unbelievable amount of compassion. More than anyone I've ever known I think. I digress.. (Lord only knows I could go on for hours about Mike)

Right before we were getting ready to leave mom asked for a bowl of ice cream. I took her her ice cream. I asked if it made her mouth feel better. It does. I don't know why I asked, I just did. Dad was in the shower so I just hollered through the door that I loved him & I would see him tomorrow morning. I peeked my head around mom's bedroom door & said, "Sorry, I'm not hugging him.. that's awkward!" LOL! She laughed. 

Tomorrow morning will be emotionally draining. We're meeting with the oncologist. My dad, my mom, & I. We have questions and we want answers. Granted mom is done, but we want to know how long she has left, what we need to expect, etc. We don't want some "Oh I have millions of chemos left to try." We are looking for brutal honesty. We need that right now. How are we to make an informed decision if he tippy toes & gives us a bunch of empty answers or worse yet empty hope & promises? 

This was how mom's day went today. Tomorrow there will be another blog on the doctor's appointment with all the information that we are requesting, hopefully. 

To Our Service Men & Women--Thank You from the bottom of our hearts. We appreciate all you do & have done to keep us safe. 

~Lisa

Fear

That's the word as of late in this house. Mom talked Friday about being done with chemo. She can't stand being as sick as she is. She hasn't been out of bed since Wednesday except to use the bathroom. Yesterday morning she sat dad & Kaitlyn down & explained to them that she is done with chemo. She can't do this anymore. Her body is tired. Her mind is tired. She is done. 

I cried most of the day yesterday. I've done ok today. I went down around 12:30 this afternoon and saw her. Dad was laying in bed next to her sleeping. I didn't keep anything all that quiet. We talked a bit, I asked if she wanted to get her shower. She did. Then it started storming. I went in their bathroom & cleaned it for them b/c it was in desperate need of a good cleaning. Tomorrow I'll do their shower. As I got her pajamas, towel & washcloth out for her I heard her & Mike talking. He told her that I had broken down the night before. It was true, I had. It's actually pretty freaking awesome that Mike is so comfortable with my folks. 

The storms finally quit and I asked her if she was ready to get into the shower. I got her oxygen set up in the bathroom for her, her shower stool in the shower, and prepared for her to get in the shower. As I did this, it dawned on me, I'd only really sat on the toilet and kept her company when she was in the shower, only helping as she needed. 

I helped her in the shower & as she put soap on her washcloth I told her when she was done to let me know so I could wash her back. I did. As I washed I just kept thinking, "Get it clean, get everything clean, you don't want her having bed sores." Her arms felt too heavy to wash her legs so she let me wash them for her. I washed her hair & put it in a mowhawk for her. I had to do something to keep from bawling. 

My mom, the strong woman had become almost like an adult child in a way. We got her shower done & I sprayed her all off. Helped her out of the shower and she dried most of herself but I dried the rest. My mind went from "Get it clean, get everything clean." to "Get everything dry, don't miss a spot, you don't want a bed sore forming there or any type of infection." I was sort of a wreck. I helped her get dressed & put her cream on her belly so that she wouldn't get an infection there. 

I got her laid back in bed & she said, "Shit deodorant!" I went and got her deodorant for her, she went to take it from me & I said, "I've got it mom." As she laid in bed she said, "Maybe tomorrow I can get clean sheets?" I said, "Mom, while we were in the shower, Mike changed your sheets for you." You could see the relief on her face. 

She was so worn out from just taking a shower & getting dressed. As I watched her lay there I ran through everything in my head. Was I forgetting anything? Was I making sure that she was changing positions enough to make sure that she didn't get any bed sores? Was she comfortable? Did she need anything? I finally figured out that everything was good & I could relax for a minute I asked her if I had done ok. I said, "Mom my biggest fear with you guys being sick is having you guys loose your dignity." She said, "Lisa, you did fine." *whew* That is my biggest fear in the world. They're already sick, I don't want to make them feel any more uncomfortable than they already are.

Once I was satisfied that she was ok, I told her I'd be back in a bit. She said that she was going to nap. 

Right now is the first I've actually stopped and thought about everything. She doesn't want anymore tests. She's done. I'm scared, no scratch that, I'm freaking petrified of her future. My prayers now consist of, "Please don't let my mom suffer." I don't want her to suffer. I want her to be ok. If it's her time to go then please let her go peacefully with all of her dignity in tact. She deserves that. Of course if I could save her & keep her with me forever I would. 

I'm unsure if it's a blessing or a curse to be 32 years old and have never lost anyone that you were close to. Many people know that my brother died @ 22 from Good Pasture Syndrome. I didn't know him though. It was hard to see my parents so upset & to know that it was a sad happening, but to have any actual connection to him? I didn't. Now it appears as though my first lost will be one of the biggest losses of my life. My mom & best friend. 

That was her day today. Tomorrow is Memorial Day, Mike, the babies & I, will be hanging out at the folks' house. We're cooking out & making the absolute most of tomorrow. We're making memories, memories that count.

~Lisa

P.S. I realize that there is a lot of personal-ish information in here. It's meant to be that way. NOT for any reason than for others to realize what is going on & how she is really doing. I hope that makes sense. 

The Talk.

The time for THE talk has come. Mom isn't doing well at all. She's sick to her stomach and the anti nausea meds are not working. She's been up and down for the past 48 hours with diarrhea, nausea, heart burn, her throat is sore, etc. She is supposed to have chemo on Tuesday. She is also seeing the doctor then. She is going to discuss what options are left. Either a new chemo or she's done.

I asked her probably the deepest question I could today. "Mom, how do you know when you're done?" She said, "You just know. When you're too sick to really care what happens. When you make peace with the fact that you aren't going to get any better. It's time." (Not verbatim but close) I said, "Kinda like when you meet THE one, you just know?" She said, "Yeah, like that. You know how much I hate being sick. I'm just like my mom. She hated being sick too." I held it together. I held my thoughts together. I held my emotions back. I really wanted to scream, "You can't be done mom, let me do the chemo for you, let me be sick for you." If only it really worked that way.

My mom is slowing making peace with death. I think she's tired. She's tired from seeing doctor's all the time. She's sick of being so tired all the time. Her body is tired. These last 5 chemos have taken a toll on her. The first 2, emotionally, when they just didn't work. The past 3 because they are making her sick. She's starting to have anxiety over the upcoming chemo treatments. I don't want her to have to go through that. It's not fair.

*insert complete meltdown*

I want to do this for her. I want to fight for her. I want to take her pain away. I want to be the one that's sick for her. She's such an amazing mom & woman, that she really doesn't deserve this. She sees it as, if she dies then someone else won't have to.

This is all happening too fast. I'm losing her too fast. She's more than just a wife, mom, grandmother, mother-in-law, aunt, niece, friend, amazingly-awesome-person. She's our family matriarch. She's a caretaker, she's a lover, not a fighter, she has more compassion for the human race than most. She is opinionated and strong. She loves with her whole being. She gives so much more than she ever takes. This is just not fair. I know that life isn't fair, but can't this ONE thing be fair?

I'm selfish, I admit it. I want to keep her forever. Her work here isn't done. It can't be done. She has too many people who love her & are willing to fight for her. What will dad do? His world is my mom. My heart is breaking this afternoon. I don't know how to make peace with losing my mom. I can't. I won't. Not today. Probably not ever.

Listening to my 12 year old daughter tell me that she wants to be there when grammy dies so she can "hold her til she gets to heaven" was about all I could take. She doesn't want Grandma to die alone. Today when I saw my Kaitlyn at work, she said, "Did you check on Grammy & Papa before you came to work?" I said, "Yes baby I did, they were napping." She looked relieved and smiled as she walked away.

I want to be there when she talks to the doctor. I want to know if she takes chemo, the estimated time she has left. If she quits, how fast is this cancer, how long will she have left? I want to know everything. Her oncologist is genius for hiding behind smoke and mirrors. He's overly optimistic about things. We want the cold hard facts. The honest truth.

Today is a sad day for me. I support my mom whole heartedly. It's her decision and her body, it doesn't make it any easier though. My heart is still breaking. If I could do this for her I would. Without question.

The Cancer Center is like a Day Care.

Monday morning mom had her 2nd chemo. Her 3 cocktail chemo. Monday she only had 2 though. She only gets the 3rd every other week. This next Tuesday she'll have all 3 again.

I pulled up to the doors and quickly realized that I'd have to walk her in & help her get settled. Now that her chemo appointments are lasting for more than a couple of hours she has more to bring in. More air tanks, more stuff in her bag, and her laptop. I parked after dropping her off. I unloaded the van of everything she'd need and walked in. She was already seated with her folder that has all of her information in it. As I looked around I realized how many younger people where there with older people. Parents & grandparents with their adult children.

I walked her laptop back to the nurses station and told them who it was for. I turned around to walk out, more people had showed up. There were hardly any chairs available for the new people coming in.  Soon the chairs in the waiting area would be empty and the chairs in the chemo area would be filled. I walked over to my mom kissed her on the head & said, "Be a good girl & don't cause any problems." It's my typical response. It's a joke between us. The "cause any problems" goes back to mom getting her Red Devil and her heart rate & blood pressure dropping as the nurses surrounded her.

As I walked out, it was super lonely. I was leaving my mom there to be infused. I instantly thought of what it must've been like to leave me at daycare when she worked. I could just see her bringing all of my stuffs in for the day. Dropping me off in the appropriate area, putting my things in my cubby, kissing me before she left telling me to be a good girl. Then the lonely walk out the door as she headed to work.

How similar & yet foreign this all was. I've dropped my babies off at daycare, it was difficult and yet so similar to what I am doing now with my mom.

Mom did ok with her chemo. She was pretty tired though. She's had a rough week since Monday. The chemo is kicking her butt. She's slept a lot. Yesterday was a really bad day though. She was in bed all day long. She was/is super nauseated. Her anti-nausea meds aren't really helping much. I laid in bed with her yesterday afternoon after I got off work and we talked. I can't even really remember what all we talked about. We just talked. It was odd, yet comforting to lay with her in bed wishing and praying to myself for her to get better. I was there for only about 20 minutes or so til she was ready to go back to sleep. I told her I'd come back down later. She said, "If you take a nap, please set your alarm for 4:45 pm, I need you to come back down and spend more time with me." I said that I would. I came home and just kind of sat here in a daze. This is all happening too quickly. I don't like this. I want it to stop. I want everything to stop. I NEED it to stop. I need my mom to be ok. She's my best friend.

I laid down to keep my mind from swirling. At 4:45 pm my alarm went off. I got up, stumbled out of the bedroom (yeah I slept hard), Mike was home, I said, "Hi, I'm going to moms." He sat out in the garage and talked to me for a minute & then I left. I walked into mom & dad's house, talked to dad for a minute and headed back to see mom. I looked at her oxygen hoses to see which one was connected. Her bedroom hose has a green tip and her office one has a clear tip. The green was hooked up. I walked in her bedroom and kissed her on the forehead. Her eyes only opened 1/2 way. I said, "Hi mama!" She said, "What time is it?" I said, "It's almost 5." She said, "I've slept the afternoon away." I said, "It's ok mom." I laid across my dads side of the bed. (Mom has one of those adjustable beds, dad has a flat bed). I laid my head on her mattress and we just talked. She said, "If I keep feeling like this, I can't do this." I said, "I know mom, it'll be ok." Kaitlyn joined us and laid where I had laid earlier. I instantly thought, mom has 2 generations right there with her. Mom, with her arms around Kaitlyn & I. I took a picture. I don't even care that mom looks ill, soon I won't be able to take pictures.

I appreciate the willingness of my mom to have her picture taken whenever. I'm pretty sure I'll need those when the end comes.

Today, I'm hoping & praying that mom feels human today. That her nausea goes away. That she feels better and that this chemo stops making her SO sick. A little sick is ok, SUPER sick is not.

~Lisa

I Just Want To Cry.

I can't really explain why, I just do. This morning am filled with anxiety. Yesterday was really hard for me. I procrastinated as much as I could. I drug my feet getting ready. Waited til the absolute last minute to get ready. I think I do that so when it's time to go am in a frenzy and then I don't have to think about what's coming. I didn't cry on the way down.

She said, "Lisa, I have a need, well a want." I said, "Mom, I can turn ANY want into a need..just try me!" (My mom has always been huge on, is this a want or a need? LOL!) I said, "What does dad say?" She said, "He doesn't even know, you're the first to know." I said, "Mom, am I your best friend?!?!" I said it jokingly, with a big grin, because it just cracked me up the way she was dragging on telling me what she wanted. She said, "Yes, you're my best friend, so is dad, but you are too." I said, "Woohoo Mom, you're my best friend too!" LOL! Looking back it's pretty comical how we went totally off topic, but at the same time, I think it was necessary. (Of course I'm bawling just thinking about it but I digress)

I said, "Ok mom, what's your need, want, need?" She said, "I'd like to have a little laptop for my chemo treatments. Yanno, one I can farm on." I laughed. I wondered when that would happen. My mom might be in her 60s but she's so tech savvy sometimes. If only I could help her remember how to clear her cookies & temp internet files! I said, "Well, mom, I can turn that into a need." LOL! (For anyone thinking about getting her a mini laptop, do NOT!) ;)

We talked. We laughed. As I was getting ready to drop mom off & help her into the cancer center, I said, "Mom, I really needed this today." She said, "I know honey." I needed that time with her, that time where we didn't focus on what was coming up.

After I dropped mom off I went and got something to eat. I was starving. It was really weird. I was in a fog after I dropped her off. Nothing really made sense. I was hungry but NOTHING sounded good. I ended up at the old stand by of Mc Donald's. As I paid for my early lunch, the lady said, "Have a good day." My mind instantly thought, "Up yours!" Really? Wow. Guess this whole thing was bothering me more than I thought. I ate right quick and went back to be with mom.

She was still in the waiting room. About 10 minutes after I got back, she was called back. They set her up, yesterday she was in purple. (They have different colors for the different nurses) She sat down and started talking about the new chemo, what to expect, what the side effects were. With these 3, diarrhea, nausea, & vomiting is possible. The nurse said, "You will probably lose your hair." We both said, "Probably not." She only lost her hair on the very rounds of chemo. She said, "Well then maybe not, but it's a possibility." She looked at the nurse & told her, "If am feeling sick all the time, I'll be done." The nurse said, "That's completely understandable."

We've told my mom through all of this, this is YOUR body and YOUR decision. It completely is. We won't be mad if ever she decides ENOUGH chemo. We will support her 110%. I wouldn't want to have to go through chemo, be sick, and then stop & have my family mad at me. That's just ridiculous. Although am sure somewhere, some chemo patient is going through it!

Mom did well with the chemo. No bad reactions yesterday. She kept asking me, "Are you bored?" I said that I wasn't. I really wasn't bored. I love being with my mom. We talk about so much. She is completely my best friend. My mom said yesterday, "Lisa, you might end up having to be the strong one after I die. Mike might need you more to lean on than you him." I kind of giggled. Yeah, we're all THAT close to my folks. Then again my folks are just that amazing that it's hard not to be.

I got her DQ for lunch. In true mom fashion she ate her Blizzard first. LOL! Then she complained about how awful their burgers had become. LOL! It was classic. Then she napped. While she napped, I ran her errands for her. I got back and she was talking to someone named Debbie. Apparently I was supposed to remember her. I didn't. I had not a clue who she was. I just remember mom saying, "This is our youngest." Debbie's eyes popped! Apparently I look a little different from 25 years ago. :/ lol!

We got out of chemo at 6:15ish. We drove home. I was on edge and cranky. Mom said, "You always get cranky when I have all day chemo." I do get cranky. It's hard watching her go through this. There's a whole mental preparation I have to go through before I can take her down and not sob the whole time I'm there. I told her that I was extremely stressed out. I was. I was tired b/c I didn't sleep well the night before, and I was just stressed. There's no easy way to put it. I apologized if I was snapping at her. I really don't mean to.

Watching her become pale as she's infused, watching her power port get jabbed as they insert the needle almost made me pass out, listening to the side effects of her cocktail, watching people come and go, watching the bags being changed, the beeps of the IV pumps etc. It just really puts me on edge.

I dropped her off, told her I 'lobr'ed' her and came home. Mike was waiting with a gigantic hug. I needed that. I need him.

The only thing I regret is not going in and hugging dad. I just didn't think of it at the time.

That's it from yesterday. Today we wait and see how things go. Hopefully mom sleeps. Hopefully she doesn't have too many side effects and the side effects she does have, are manageable.

Seems Like I Just Wrote A Blog Like This...

about 2 months ago. Mom's chemo is not working. Her cancer is still growing. I took her to Bloomington yesterday to have her chemo treatment & the doctor wanted to see her. I knew right then & there that the chemo wasn't working. She wasn't supposed to see the doctor. Not yesterday. Her Chemo was cancelled for yesterday and instead she starts a 3 chemo cocktail. It will last all day. The side effects are supposed to be less than what the Red Devil was. I'm wondering if no side effects mean-the chemo isn't working. Right now this is our best guess.

Tomorrow I am to have mom in Bloomington by 10 am. She will go in & get her blood drawn. Then she will sit down to start her Avastin, Taxotere, & Cisplatin cocktail. It will take up most of the day. She doesn't want me sitting there through it all. I feel like I need to. Luckily, or not, for me, last Wednesday night as I was making dinner I decided to slice my thumb and take a tour of the ER. I'm ok but since I have stitches I am out of work until Monday. This makes me available to take my mom. A blessing in disguise perhaps.

Moving on to my dad, he's doing ok. I just got back from their house a little bit ago & he looked really good. I told him as such too! He thinks that this medicine IS working but that he needs to be on a higher dose. It was nice to see him smile, talk, stand, and walk with little difficulty! Definitely a blessing!

This is all for now. I don't know how much sleep I'll get tonight. My mind kind of wanders a lot when mom starts a new chemo.

Prayers are appreciated.

Dad Looks GOOD! HE LOOKS GOOD!

I went to the folks' house yesterday after work and dad looked pretty good. He wasn't all leaned over in his hunched position like normal. I stayed for just a little bit since my head was throbbing! (Yay for weather headaches!)

I talked to mom for a little bit & dad had taken 1 of his 3 doses that day of his meds for Parkinson's. (I REALLY need to get the name of that stuff!) 

She texted me about 520 to see if I was coming over for our evening chat time. My alarm went off at 530 because I was trying to sleep my headache off. It worked! Anyhow. I picked the babies up from Boys & Girls Club & then we went to Grandma & Papa's to hang out. By the time we got there he had taken ALL of his doses for the day. He was sitting UPRIGHT!, He had COLOR!, He looked GOOD!. While I was back in the office talking to mom, dad came back & was talking. There was NO stutter! He didn't have to STOP & THINK! OMG! It was AMAZING!!! 

Then I looked at his hand.. Obviously I've been all over google & then some researching Parkinson's. I was watching dad's hands. On his left hand he was rubbing his thumb & forefinger together. I got loud because I was waiting to see it again! It's a TREMOR!! Those are TREMORS!!! It's called "pill rolling". Dad didn't even realize that he was doing it!!! He rubs his thumb & forefinger in a circular motion. 

As I was talking to mom, I said, "As soon as I get home I'll google it & tell you." I've noticed the 'pill rolling' with dad many times. I thought that he was doing it to keep his hands from getting stiff. He had NO CLUE that he was doing it!

Dad was filled with Piss N Vinegar last night. He hasn't been that way in MONTHS! He told mom that he hadn't felt as good as what he did yesterday evening in a couple of months! I HOPE this keeps up!! I hope this medicine works!! I hope it KEEPS working! I hope dad hits the ground RUNNING now!! He didn't stumble to the office, he WALKED! HE WALKED! His normal stride!! The one that as a child I could never keep up with & now as an adult I STILL can't keep up! LOL!

Way to go Dad!! We're SO proud of you!!! 

I pray that this keeps up. I pray that dad's ok now. I know it'll get worse but for now, this is all we could ask for! Dad says that he wants to be back to work in a couple of weeks if he keeps feeling this good! YAY! 

Prayers are answered I hope! ~Lisa

Dad's Appointment Yesterday.

Dear State Farm Agent, Can I get A NEW NEURO?!?! K? Thanks! No really, we need a new one. Dr. Li is disagreeing with Dr. Sibleys assessment & said just as much. She doesn't agree with him because she doesn't believe that this is neurological, she's still backing the whole stress & depression crap. Dr. Sibley questioned about doing a spinal tap on dad & Dr. Li, shot it down saying it was too invasive. I get that it's invasive. I get that it's going to hurt like a sonofabitch. I also realize that if I could do it for him I would. If it rules out, adds in a possible diagnosis then do it.

In the end Dr. Li rx'ed him meds for Parkinson's. He is to take a 1/2 a med 3 x's a day for a week & then a whole med 3x's a day for a week and see how it works. Obviously if it works he keeps it up! As she was writing the rx out she reiterated how she didn't think this would help and was only doing this for Sibley. She wants to see him back on June 6th @ 8:30 am. We're to the point where we want dad better. We want him to have a CLEAR diagnosis & not the bs stress/depression diagnosis.

Dear God, Please let the Parkinson's meds work. I think dad just wants something to show that he's not 'losing' it. God, Our biggest fear is that we'll get a final diagnosis from his autopsy. We don't want that. We don't want to lose him not now, not ever. He obviously still wants to live & is still fighting because he goes to these appointments, he shows them his ailments. They throw back on Depression & Stress b/c they can't figure it out. God, Am begging you, fix him. Make him ok. Any type of diagnosis, so we have a name, we have something to go on. Please give him the strength to keep fighting. Amen.

Mom had Chemo yesterday & saw her doctor as well. She cracks me up....She asked Dr. Sriratna if she had to "Drink that stuff that makes her want to PUKE!" LOL!! Dr. Sriratna laughed. He said, "No, you don't have to drink the stuff this time." It was pretty comical. He was Mr. serious until she said "Makes me want to puke!" Then he laughed.

Mom mentioned that she had to up her oxygen. He said, "You'll be ok."You could see the disappointment in his eyes when she said that she had to up it. He asked when would she go see Dr. Burr (lung dr) again & they are filled for May so when they start scheduling for June she'll get an appointment then.

Mom & I have the same fear that her chemo isn't working. If it was she wouldn't have to up her oxygen right? She would have more side effects right? I am hoping & praying that I'm wrong.. I want it to work, I NEED it to work. Not only for her but for me. Selfish huh?

Moving on...I took pictures of dad & I together at his appointment yesterday. One of the few times he actually wears a shirt. I need the pictures with him. I also took pictures of Dr. Sriratna and mom together. I took pictures of mom & I together. I took pictures of mom & the nurse together. My folks probably hate me for always taking pictures but one day, I won't be able to take pictures. Not of them. I digress.

This is the latest update. (My D button just does NOT want to cooperate!) We are doing Relay For Life, Linda's Fan Club Feel free to DONATE or BE THERE! If nothing else to stand along the side lines & give hugs! :D LOL! Nothing's better than a sweaty hug at the end of June! :P

I think this is the latest! ~Lisa

All About Mom & Best Friends!!!

So I have a best friend. Her name is Shannon. I got a text yesterday, "Hey we're doing walk for a cure, you wanna do it?" I replied, "YES!" I was driving, Yes I know shame on me. Anyhow, I called her a bit later & said, "Am only walking if we have a cool team name!" I said, "Do you have any ideas?" She said, "Walkin for Linda." It hit me.. they weren't just walking, they were walking for MY MOM! Whoa.. I didn't even act shocked although I was. I think it just took me by surprise. LOL! I said how about, "Linda's Fan Club!" she liked that better. At some point and time today I'm going over to her house & setting up our team. There's about 20 people on it right now. 

Obviously this is a post to get more walkers with us! If you want to walk, let me know. If you want to donate because you can't be there, let me know! In a few days we'll have a page up so you can direct-donate to the cause. The cause that has kept my mom alive this long. The cause that has kept my babies with their grandparents for another year, another month, another day. 

My mom IS doing the Survivor walk on June 24th. It's at 7 pm. If you want more information so you can come out & cheer her on that'd be great!! If you don't want to walk/can't walk but want to be there let us know! We'd love to see you!! 

For more information contact me. Thanks!! ~Lisa 

Parkinson's.

We saw Dr. Sibley, I'm unsure if that's how you spell his name. Anyhow, we went in & saw the intern first. The intern wasn't convinced that any of dad's symptom's have anything to do with his tumor. I wasn't exactly nice, although I wasn't mean either. I was concerned. I want answers for my dad. He doesn't deserve to live like this. The intern seemed concerned. As he was looking dad over, the actual doctor came in. The doctor went and looked at dad's disks.

Hope you're sitting down. The tumor has NOT GROWN. How is it possible that Dr. Jani explicitly said that it HAD grown when in fact, right there in the report, with dad's name on it, the radiologist said, "There has been no change." Thank You Dr. Jani for messing this up. Making us worry even MORE about my dad. We were completely hell bent that this tumor needed to come out! It's grown! No, it hasn't grown.

Dr. Sibley was awesome. I wasn't exceptionally nice to him either. He saw my frustration with the mixed opinions of all the doctor's.

I said, "Dealing with all of these doctors is like mediating a divorced couple, it's hell."

He chuckled. The intern interjected that this is a puzzle, we just have to put it together.

As the doctor was talking to dad, listening to him stutter, watching him TRY to keep his thoughts together, you could SEE that he was still examining dad. He watched how he talked, how he moved, his facial expressions.

Then out of no where, he looked at me & said, "Does he tremor often?" I replied that he did, only when still though. I noticed it last week. His hands shake, when he tries to eat, he shakes. I just thought his blood sugar was low.

The Dr. said, "xxxx, I want to see you walk."

Dad gave a confused look. NONE of these doctors have asked dad to walk! He took dad out in the hall and watched him walk.

We came back in the room & he said, "Have you been checked for Parkinson's disease?" No. No he hasn't. He said, "This is what I'm going to do, we're going to call Dr. Li (groan.. I loathe that woman too & expressed as much to the doctor), I'm going to have you tested for Parkinson's & we're going to put you on medicine for Parkinson's. Worst case scenario, the medicine doesn't work. Best case, it works and we make this better for you."

For the first time in 6 months we have something else to go on besides the tumor. All because Dr. Sibley paid attention to my dad. He cared.

We told him about the depression & stress diagnosis & Dr. Sibley said, "No, this is not stress & depression, this is neurological." FINALLY! AGAIN! Here we go! I hope with everything I have that we are getting somewhere with him. They aren't using depression & stress as a fall back because they don't know!

Dad has a doctor appointment on Monday at 9:30 am. I didn't know this until yesterday after work.

Mom said, "Dad said that it's a waste of time for you guys to take off work."

I said, "Uhm, how's he going to get down there?"

She said, "He said he's going to take himself."

I laughed. I said, "Bullshit mom, I'm taking him."

I went out into the kitchen & asked dad when his appointment was.

He said, "Before 12."

I said, "How are you getting there?"

He said, "I'm going to drive myself."

I looked at him & said, "Do you think that's wise?"

He said, "You girls don't need to go with me, we aren't going to find anything out."

I said, "Daddy, it's like this, I don't care what we find out or not, what happens if you get into an accident and hurt someone else? You can barely walk around the house & we're supposed to be ok with you getting behind the wheel & driving somewhere?"

I said, "If it were Pontiac I wouldn't be so pissy about this, but it's Bloomington, they're doing construction, I don't want you to get confused."

He said, "My appointment is at 9:30."

I said, "GOOD we have a date then for 8:30 on Monday!"

He said, "What about your work?"

I said, "Dad, I'll get it figured out."

I am hoping and praying that I don't lose my job. I would NEVER EVER express that to my dad though. I take doctor's notes in to prove where I've been (hell I have to do that for my attorney too since I'm still getting alimony!)

It's like I told mom, "I don't know if I'd want to work for someone/place who doesn't believe that family comes first." Luckily I think they'll be ok with this. I hope so.

So the newest diagnosis is Parkinson's possibly. Monday we should be making more appointments for more testing and possibly get a rx for dad for Parkinson's.

I'm putting another post up since this one is solely about dad & I don't want to get the next post mixed in with this one!

I Have Prayed, I Have Begged, & Now I'm just Desperate

I went to my folks' house this morning to take mom's teeth to the dentist. She lost a tooth. Down the drain. Luckily she isn't attached to her teeth so I didn't have to take her with. Not that I mind her company but she had a bad night last night. She forgot to change her oxygen tubes & so she slept without her oxygen on. Made for a bad night. She said that she woke up gasping for air a lot. Thank you God for not taking my mom last night. 

Moving on. I have prayed, I have begged, I have pleaded & now I'm flat out desperate. This morning when I went to get my mom's teeth, as I was leaving. My dad stopped me & said, "Here's my Bible, Lisa." I told him a while ago that I wanted his Bible. It has his name on it. There are little papers of places that he's marked in it whether be it recently or not, it's his. At some point those scriptures meant something to him. He said, "If anything happens to me, it's yours. It's sitting right here." I said, "Well tell mom so that she knows." He said, "I have, I've also told her my other wishes as well." He started sobbing. He doesn't want anyone fighting over anything. I refuse to fight for anything. What ever happens happens & no matter what is received or not, it won't bring my folks back after they're gone. Everything in the house could be donated to charity & it wouldn't bother me one bit. It's their wish. He sobbed some more. I said, "Daddy, if you don't have the strength to fight anymore, it's ok, you have a lot of people who will fight for you." He said, "I know." 

Today he looked so tired, so worn out. He's losing hope. None of these doctors are doing anything for him. They tell him he's crazy, he needs counseling, he needs to be institutionalized. BULLSHIT! He said, "I need to go lay down." I said, "Ok dad, lemme help you." He stumbled. His legs weren't working right. I helped him to bed. He laid down and cried even more. I said, "Daddy, did you take any extra medicine today?" I hated asked but I needed to know. He's really bad today. He said that he hadn't. I've never seen him try to be so prepared to die. He said that he's had some really bad dreams. They're about him leaving Kaitlyn. His precious Kaitlyn. I question if he would've made it this far without her. He is her reason for living. 

I got him laid down, tucked him in, kissed him, knelt next to his bed & said a silent prayer, "God, please don't make my daddy suffer anymore. Either fix him or let him go peacefully." My dad is just a shell of the man he was. It's because of the tumor. I fully believe that. 

Today is his big appointment. If this neuro says no, I fear my reaction. I really do. If he says no, we go to Iowa. If we go to Iowa I'll be setting up a benefit for him. I will need help. I'm not good at asking for help. I'll need it though. I don't know how to do it. I've never been to a benefit either so I don't even know how they work. 

If by the grace of God he gets his surgery, I'll need help then too. I'll be taking a leave of absence from work all the while hoping that I'll have a job to go back to in the fall. I'll need ideas of easy meals to make. Quick meals to make etc. Depending on how his surgery goes, I may or may not need sitters for the babies. Their dad isn't seeing them as he should and I really don't want them stuck to my side as I try to take care of the folks. I have already made them sacrifice their sports. They generally play T-ball in the Spring & Christopher was set to play Mighty Mights this fall. I explained that I had to take care of the folks & this is what family does. Sometimes we have to make sacrifices for family. Christopher's reply? "After they die, can I play then?" He meant no malice but is 9 and was honestly wondering. I told him, "Yes bug, you can play after they die." His next question? "How will they see me play?" I said, "Honey they'll watch ALL of your games from Heaven, not just 1 or 2 games a season." He was happy with that. "I'll play for them he said." Bless you my amazing son! 

I'm also looking into taking some sort of crash course classes for me to better help my parents. There are going to come times when I'm going to have to know how to get them in & out of bed. I sort of know how, but not 100%. I need to know how to do bed baths etc. All of the stuff that we take for granted they will need help with. So far I'm not finding anything so if anyone has any ideas it'd be appreciated. 

I think this is all for now. Dad's appointment is at 3:30 P.M. Today. Please send massive prayers that this doctor SEES what really needs to happen & doesn't say that he's mental. If he does I fear the future for my dad. 

~Lisa

Thursday is the Day.

Thursday we see another neurosurgeon for dad. We are stressed beyond belief. Praying until our knees are bloody. We have a lot of fear. Fear that this neuro won't take dad's tumor out. If he says no I asked mom what she would do. She said, "We take him to Iowa." It sounds so simple doesn't it? It's not. Insurance does NOT cover Iowa. It will be out of pocket. I fear for my folks' financial stability if we are told no on Thursday. If they are told no, then I have no choice but to set up a benefit for dad. There's nothing else to do.

Iowa hospital is 7 hours away 1 way. I hope and pray that dad can make the trip. I have never been so frustrated and sad at the same time. My dad is sick. We have lots of doctors and yet nobody will help him. Today, I'm praying that this neuro sees the urgency in my dad's health needs. I pray that he sees that dad DOES need this surgery to take this tumor out. Before it gets bigger. Before it takes my dad's vision away. Before it kills my dad. That's the bottom line. If the tumor doesn't come out, my dad will die. He won't see his next birthday. It won't matter if dad takes his own life or if the tumor kills him. If he takes his own life I couldn't blame him. He spends his days being dizzy, having headaches, and crying. Yet nobody wants to help him. (Doctor wise) Any doctors who agree with us don't have the ability to perform brain surgery on him. The ones who do, don't agree with us. It's a vicious circle of hell.

My dad is sick, he's got a cold or sinus infection. He's coughing a lot now. He can hardly breathe. I wonder if he'll even make it to Thursday with as bad as he feels and as sick as he looks. I dreampt the other night that I was standing over dad's casket. I woke up with tears streaming. It sucked. I'm not ready to let him go, if they fix him, he won't be ready to die. Today, I think he would be ok with dying because he is in so much pain. His quality of life is nothing. He sleeps. He sleeps to get away from the pain, the dizziness, all of it. I can't blame him at all. My dad is just a shell of the man he used to be. Yet he still tries to help whoever he can. That's just my dad.

Moving on to my mom who won't talk about herself at all. Not right now. Not with dad being the way he is. She will be having her cat scan soon to find out if this chemo is working. I hope and pray that it is. We need for it to. I question if it is though, she is having a rough time breathing & was talking the other day about upping her oxygen because she just didn't feel like she was getting enough. She's on 4 liters. She is thinking of upping it to 5.

This week was her off week for chemo. It's kind of nice to know that even though it's Tuesday, she won't be sleeping all day. I was standing behind her last night & running my fingers through her hair. Generally her hair is coarse & greasy feeling. It wasn't.. I stood there for a good 10 minutes just running my fingers through it. It was so soft. I told her as much. She said, "That new stuff that you bought for Kaitlyn, I used it." I said, "Well, it's working because I could stand here all night running my fingers through your hair!" LOL!

Between me & you, I was just thankful that she still has hair. Knowing that eventually I'll never be able to run my fingers through her hair again. Sometimes I just go in and stand in the kitchen for a little bit and close my eyes, listening to the sounds of their house. Knowing that one day, their house will be silent. I'm taking mental pictures of everything. The sounds, the sights, all of it. Then I just realize that I want them to live forever. They can't go anywhere. I need them. My babies need them. My babies' babies will need them.

I hope everyone had a great Easter.

Frustration Level has hit it's Peak.

If we could find a doctor who HASN'T LOST their compassion somewhere between medical school & actually practicing medicine we might be ok. Until then, more suffering. More suffering for my dad. More suffering for us, as a family, watching him sleep his life away. I have hardly ANYTHING nice to say about 2 doctors. I'm lividly upset. I'm German, me being upset is NOT a good thing!

A week & a 1/2 ago or so we got some amazingly good news! Dad's Tumor had grown. For most this would be devastating. For us, it was GREAT news! Maybe they'll listen!! Say it with me.. TAKE THE TUMOR OUT! That's what we NEED to happen! He was set up with a new doctor. Dr. Sibley.. or something like that. Yesterday he still had an appointment with Dr. Li (neurologist) & Dr. Murphy (heart Dr.). Julie went with him guns blazing because when my folks were at the psychiatrists office he said, "THIS IS NOT STRESS!" (Finally! someone else who agrees!) She showed her Dr. Paturi's report. There, in the report, it said, "Dad needs to be admitted to a behavioral facility." WHAT?!?!? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? That's NOT WHAT HE SAID TO US!!! He said, "It's not stress!" NOW he's recommending that dad be admitted?!?! NO! NO! NO! To top all of this off, Dr. Li said, "His tumor has NOT grown, it could be a shadow, see you in July."

I'm livid. *insert a TON of expletives.*, *insert more expletives*. Ok that should be good. BIIIIG DEEP BREATH!!! How can a doctor explicitly tell the family ONE THING & then write the complete opposite on their report? It makes no sense. My dad, feels defeated. Like the air was taken from his sails. Here, for the past week we had hope again. Hope that they could FIX this. That they could FIX him. Make him better!! Do anything to take his suffering away. That is exactly what he is doing, he's suffering. Now we're told no. Dr. Jani was wrong, everyone is wrong but Dr. Li.. BS! I can't stand her! I really can't.

Dad then had an appointment with Dr. Murphy (heart Dr.). Dr Murphy said, "DO NOT LET THEM TAKE NO FOR AN ANSWER GET THAT TUMOR OUT!!!" Ok wait, what? Really? It's like having a bunch of divorced couples in a room. They don't agree on ANYTHING! The ones that agree with us, can't take his tumor out. The ones that don't agree with us (thus far) could.

This is past frustrating. My dad is suffering. None of the doctors care. They don't care enough to find out what the problem is. We've been begging for 6 months, please, just take this tumor out. They refuse. We have insurance.. *waives the insurance card in the air*. Please. Anything. make my dad ok. They refuse. It's like being spit on every time dad leaves the doctor discouraged. My dad is a great man. He is so loving, you should see him on any Hallmark Holiday.. he gets my mom 2-3-4-5 cards because he can't choose just one. He's an awesome daddy. You should see him with my kids. He loves them so much. Yet none of this matters to the doctors. It's not THEIR dad, It's not THEIR papa, It's not THEIR husband, therefor they sleep fine at night while I question if my dad will make it through the night.

Until we find out more on the 29th.. Lisa.

Unknown Illness Possibly Diagnosed.

Dad had an appointment Monday in Chicago. That doctor wanted to send him to a balance doctor & one other doctor. I can't remember which. Anyhow, yesterday I was laying down & mom called. They had gotten a call from Dr. Jani's office. The results of his MRI were in. Dad's brain tumor has grown. It's now pushing on his sinus cavity. All other doctors are on hold now as we get him into a neurosurgeon.

Please excuse me as I have a complete melt down.

I really wish these doctors would listen to us. We've been begging for 6 months to please just take the tumor out. See if that makes him better. Just try it. Instead they all jumped on the "mentally unstable" train. It was bullshit then & it's bullshit now. He was released from his counselor after 4 weeks. Finally 2 weeks ago all of the doctors agreed that he needed to see someone in Chicago because they couldn't figure it out. How is it possible that you go to college for 15 years and can't figure out what is wrong with my dad, yet his family members have it all figured out?!?!?!?

I think when doctors go to medical school they loose some compassion. They lose something.

So now we wait again, for another neurosurgeon to figure out if/when they are going to do surgery on dad.

Mom is doing ok.. she's hanging in there. Doesn't seem to be doing any better though. I am honestly questioning if this chemo is working at all. She is getting short of breath pretty quickly. No side effects to speak of. After the red devil and no side effects I almost equate side effects with chemo working or not.

This is the latest update. Am sure there's more however the kids are being super loud this morning! ~Lisa

Updates On The Folks!

Wishing I had uber wonderful news however I don't know if I really do or not.

Here's the deal.. mom is taking her new chemo & she's now going to Bloomington to do it. This is wonderful news! I hated Pontiac & obviously my mom did too! I feel safer with her in Bloomington. If something were to go awry during a treatment ALL of her specialists are in Bloomington. Bloomington is just a better deal! She's doing ok on her chemo. Tired, but hanging in there. Since Mike is working A LOT she's being more independent since I'm not 100% available anymore. In a way this is good & in a way I'm carrying a lot of guilt over it as well. I think of all the stuff that she does in a day & then think to myself you could've, should've done this this & this. I don't want to take what little independence away that she has though. So for now, Mom's blood counts look good, her chemo is doing well, she still has her hair & is just as beautiful as ever!

Now moving on to dad. He was cleared by his counselor after 5 weeks. This shoots the theory of it being mental all to hell and back because guess what?!?! He's NOT ANY BETTER! He's actually getting worse. One of his doctor's put him on a pulse ox monitor for 24 hours. I went to give my dad a hug & noticed the numbers on it... 94, 95, 96 occassionally. That means that his saturation level is pretty low considering the man has NEVER smoked a day in his life! It should be 100%! It's not. I said, "Daddy why are you having such a low number?" He said, "That actually is really good because it was 92-93%." I stop and think... this isn't right. I'm wondering if he doesn't have something going on with his lungs. IMO I think that they need to do a torso Cat Scan or MRI. Check his lungs, his heart (again), and all of his innards. Around midnight with his cpap (he has sleep apnea) he wakes up, gasping for air. He has to take his cpap off. He says that he feels worse with it on than off! They've even adjusted it and still nadda.

Lack of 02 can cause ALL of his symptoms! Think about it! Hold your breath for a little bit.. oh say 3 minutes.. if you're not passed out on the floor, try walking and talking, keep your balance and don't stutter! This makes sense to me. He gets winded easily. I told mom to force a nose cannula or mask on him w/ her oxygen. Just see if it makes him feel better!

We're awaiting his next appointment which is this week! I think it's just with the regular doctor. They are trying to get him into Iowa. Get him in, I'll take him. I don't care. Make my folks ok.

This is the update from here! Things are sort of looking up I think.

Things Aren't Going Well...

Mom had her first chemo on Monday. Dad wasn't well enough to go (he was super tired) so I took her. Luckily I had taken the day off. She tried going to Pontiac and it was quite the disaster. Pontiac's office is dark & dreary. It's part of the old hospital. It's yellow cinder block. There's ONE window in the chemo room with 15 chairs crammed inside. It was a nightmare.

We walk in & it took easily 45 minutes for them to hook her up. She was the 4th one there. There was a woman with her husband who was being infused. Another woman who looked annoyed that she was even there. In the next chair there was a woman who was thrilled that she was 'healthy' enough to be infused. Then there was my mom. Instantly looking annoyed at the situation and didn't really like everyone being so close to one another. There was an empty chair next to mom. In the corner was an older guy. Looked to be in his 80s. It's hard to tell age when someone is on chemo because it can age you quite a bit. The rest of the chairs were empty. The room was the size of a hospital room. Literally. In the 'center' of the room was 2 chairs for people who were waiting & watching their loved one get infused. If those filled up then hopefully there was a chemo chair open for someone to sit in.

The chairs didn't lay back as they should've. In the beginning there was 1 nurse to 5 patients. Then around 10 another nurse came in. Quite large and she had a hard time 'fitting' between the chairs and in the room in general. It was loud. I don't know if the people were necessarily talking loud or if it was just such close quarters that it seemed loud. Mom was finally hooked up and she laid back, trying to sleep a little bit. It didn't happen.

Mom was done around 1 and we busted out. You could tell she was just annoyed about everything. It was ok. I was too. I texted her before we even got her hooked up & said "Bloomington next week." Her eyes bulged and she nodded. LOL! I loved it!

The guy in the corner freaked me out. He kept wanting me to sit by him and I kept denying it. I have a thing against old guys. I don't necessarily like them. (Childhood skeletons) He dropped something and stupid me went to help him pick it up. He grabbed my hand & my heart hit my throat. I was NOT comfortable at all. He looked at me & said, "Why don't you crawl up under my blanket with me?" I looked at my mom, searching for help of some sort. He had a TIGHT grip on my hand.. I was thinking let go of me b/c I would HATE to hit you in the face while you're being infused. I wriggled my hand out of his & promptly moved. I don't know what in the hell he was thinking. I was grossed out to no end. I told my dad about it & he looked at me & said, "You should've punched him!" LOL! I Love my dad! I'm kind of glad he wasn't there because he just might've gone psychotic on him. LOL!

This brings me to my dad. He's not well. He's getting worse. He hasn't driven in over a week, I'm sure of it. He asked me last night if I could take him to Wal-Mart. I asked him when he wanted to go. He said this morning. I'm kind of killing time until we go. Mom asked me last night for D's number because she's ready to take him to Iowa. He's had counseling for over a month and still nothing is getting better. Everything is getting worse. He's not stable at all on his feet. He looks gray all the time. He just LOOKS like he feels like shit.

Monday is mom's next chemo & dad's counseling. I haven't taken the day off of work & Mike is leaving for 5 weeks for work training. That means that it'll be me & the kids & the folks. I'm unsure of how I'll manage but I will. I'm really thinking that I need to take Monday off. I can still do it. It's not too late. Mom said that she'll drive down to Bloomington, but what if they get into a car accident? It should be a no brainer. This is my first YEAR on this job so I KNOW that they are watching me closely. It sucks to have to choose job vs my parents. I'm going to talk to mom this morning. If she doesn't think that she and dad can handle it then I'll call on Monday morning and let them know that I can't be there. *sigh* I'm on the rocks about this.

Please keep the folks in your prayers. They really need them right now.

"Your Friend" Should've been signed "Your Angel"

Dear 'Your Friend',
        Thank You. Thank You is insufficient. Yesterday when I got off of work I went to my mom's. More tears fell. Massive amounts of tears fell. My mom handed me a card. I opened it. Out fell something that was needed for my folks. Something that made my mom think. She has now said that she will TRY to go to Pontiac but if she can't handle it or if I'm not comfortable with it she'll go to Bloomington. Thank You 'your friend'. You have no idea how much the card alone helped. I sit here typing with tears because it proves how much my folks are loved not only by me but by so many other people. I think I know who 'your friend' is but I could be wrong. This generic "Thank You" will have to do until I find out more. Love, Lisa & her folks ;)

       I have taken Monday off of work. Tuesday was a super crappy day at work. It was my attitude more than anything else. I cried most of the day Tuesday and most of the afternoon yesterday. The chemo has never NOT worked. I never thought my folks would go to the oncologist and hear, "The chemo isn't working." I always assumed the chemo would become too aggressive and the side effects would be what would stop my mom from taking chemo. NOT that it wouldn't work.

      I went in to work yesterday and my boss wasn't there. I asked the ladies if anyone was taking Monday off. They all said no. I explained the situation and explained that while I could show up to work I'm unsure of how much help I would actually be. They all encouraged me to take the day off. When my boss got back and I could talk to her WITHOUT crying I did. She said, "Lisa you only have 1 mom, you have sick days for family illness, use them." Less than 5 minutes later she had a sub for me on Monday.

      As it turns out I had to drop an order off to my boss' boss and asked her if my boss had contacted her about me being off on Monday. She said that she hadn't. I explained the situation to her and again she encouraged me to take the time off. Telling me that, "Whatever I needed to do was ok." I love my job. I might only be a lunch lady, but I love it. The hours are perfect. I'm out of my town for 4 hours total per day. That leaves 20 hours to take care of my folks. I need this right now. My co-workers are amazing. They don't get upset with me when I'm having a super bad day and just need to emotionally shut down. They are supportive with my folks' health issues. That alone is worth all of their weight in gold.

       Monday I will be with my mom as they infuse her with new chemicals. New chemicals that are supposed to have less side effects than the Red Devil. New Chemicals where she SHOULDN'T lose her hair. I don't know why that's so important to me but it is. Maybe it's because if she has her hair, then I can 'pretend' that she's not sick. Maybe it's because my babies won't see that she is sick. Denial is sometimes nice.

       My mom is doing as she's always done. She's put on a smile and a strong exterior. I know seeing me cry doesn't help. For me reality is setting in. One day I won't walk in to the sound of her oxygen machine running. One day I'll pick up the phone to call her and she won't be there. One day I'll send her a text and I won't get a response. One day I'll yell, "I LOBR YOOOOOO" over my shoulder as I'm leaving and there won't be a response. One day I'll desperately need one of her hugs and she won't be there to give me one. My pillow will have to do. Anytime you go into my folks' house when they get home from somewhere the house is filled with the smell of my mom's perfume (Sweet Honesty or Night Magic from Avon) it's an awesome smell. She's worn it for as long as I can remember. One day it won't be there. I asked my mom yesterday. "What will happen when it's not there." She said, "Lisa, you'll sit in the middle of the floor and cry. You'll want to scream and you'll be mad because I left you." Through massive tears I told her that I wouldn't be mad at her for leaving. I couldn't be mad at her for leaving. She said, "It's ok if you are." She said, "You'll sit in the floor and cry as hard as you ever have before." I'm blessed and cursed at the same time. I've never lost anyone I was super close to. I don't know the pain and the finalization of death. I know what it means. I've never truly felt it though. It's a curse that quite possibly my parents will be my first real experience with death.

~Lisa

Updates All Around.

My dad got his psychoanalysis back a couple of weeks ago. It showed that he was depressed. That's it. The doctors are now blaming all of his symptoms on depression. The stuttering, the dizziness, the stumbling, the forgetfulness. It's all depression. Feel free to draw your own conclusion because chances are we agree with you. *if bullshit was your first conclusion then you are spot on*

Moving on. My mom had a cat scan last Friday on her lungs. They are every 2 months now vs every 3 months. Her oncologist wanted to see if her chemo was working. It's not. Her cancer has grown again. A little bit. That's all she can get out of her oncologist. A little bit. No 'size'. Although the last time that her cancer grew and it was a 'little bit' it went from the size of a finger nail to a plum. Again draw your own conclusions.

Mom was supposed to have a red devil treatment on Friday. They have stopped the red devil and she is now going on a new chemo. She couldn't remember what it was called. She now goes once a week vs once a month. She isn't supposed to lose her hair. This new chemo is supposed to have less side effects. I'm unsure how you can have less side effects when Red devil didn't give her any side effects.

She's switching her treatments to Pontiac vs Bloomington b/c of  the price of gas. She likes the Bloomington office better though. Personally if I have to sell everything I own to pay for her to go to Bloomington I would. It's ONLY once a week. I need to talk to her more about it today. It's all about her comfort. I have been to the Pontiac office and I hate it. It's so dark and dreary. Absolutely NOTHING like the Bloomington office.

As I've said before chemo is for the family not the patient. I don't know who in their right mind would put themselves through all of this stuff. I honestly don't. My mom's love for her family is never ending & it's deep.

It's sunk into me.. but I'm still in denial over it. Reality is one day all I'll have left of her are her memories, the smell of her perfume, and when I have a bad day I won't be able to call and talk about it. When I need a hug, my pillow will have to do because she won't be here to hug me. This shit sucks. I hate cancer. I hate that my mom has to go through this. I wish it were me.

2nd Round of Chemo Done! Psychoanalysis Results IN!

I really should try to update this blog more huh? Things have been crazy busy for me lately!

Mom had her 2nd Chemo treatment on 2/4/2011. She seems to be doing ok with it. She's tired which is to be expected. This last Chemo didn't take nearly as long as the first one did. They pumped her with her histamine blockers before they started the Red Devil. She was done by 3:30pm. She still has her hair and isn't really being affected by too many side effects. Her next chemo appointment is 3/4/2011.

Dad got his psychoanalysis back. It showed that he is depressed. Rx for that? He was told, no kidding, "Go out and play in the snow with your grandbabies and get some counseling." uhm. hmm. :/ Yeah. Not sure what to make of that honestly. If the counseling works and he gets better GREAT! If not, then what? According to all of the doctors he's healthy as a horse. They are going to put him on a c-pap machine to help his breathing at night. We'll see how this goes. Right now I'm not a believer. Hopefully I'm wrong. Hopefully this IS all it takes. Monday he has a counseling appointment. Please work.

That's the update from here. Really nothing too spectacular has happened. I am kind of liking this lull in drama right now!

Just an update.

I got a frantic call around 11:40 am yesterday morning. I ignored it.. I was taking a nap. Mike's phone rang and low and behold he comes flying in the bedroom. "LISA GET UP! MOM NEEDS YOU!" oi oi oi!! *yawn* I take the phone from Mike, it was my mom. "Lisa go to the pharmacy and get over here NOW!" In hindsight I feel bad about yawning but that's what happened. I jump up throw on jeans while listening to Mike tell me that he could hear dad crying in the back ground. I tell Mike to call the pharmacy and have the rx's ready so all I have to do is sign for them. I went flying down the road, did a 180, and headed to the pharmacy. I get to the pharmacy and run in.. literally. Dan said, "What's going on?" I said, "I don't know, is it ready?" It was, I signed for it & left. Flew over to my folks' house, barely got the car in park and ran.

I flung open the door & said, "DAD WHERE ARE YOU? ARE YOU OK?" He was sitting at his counter just sobbing. He is so sad. He cried even harder when he explained that we shouldn't have to take care of him. Then cried even harder still when he said that we should be sick of taking care of him. I just hugged him, kissed him and reassured him that I wouldn't rather be doing anything but be right there to take care of him. I asked him what medicine I picked up for him & it was an NSAID for his breast tissue that's swollen. I said well go on and take it. It'll make at least that part of your body feel better.

Dad apologized for waking me up from my nap. I said dad it's ok. Not a big deal. It's not a big deal. I would've much rather been there with him talking to him & reassuring him that us taking care of him is of the utmost importance.

Mom called me back to her office and said that she couldn't handle him when he gets like that. She doesn't know what to do or say. I said mom just tell him that it's ok, we're supposed to be there for him & we LIKE being there for him.

I think today I need to sit down and write about when I was a child and how he always took care of us, now it's our turn. To let us do it, not to feel guilty about it, & let him know that it's not a big deal to take care of him. If he needs us there's no other place in the world I'd rather be but right there with him.

Tell him things like, "Remember when you were late for work and you had to get J and I ready to go out the door?" He always took time to push our hair back in our hoods. Zip us up & tie our hoods. Made sure that our lil gloves were inside the wrists of our jackets to keep the cold out. I remember the smell of his hands. Cologne and metal. Remember how it wasn't a big deal to do that before work.. well it's not a big deal to take care of him now.

Ack kids are up & I just lost my train of thought.. I think this is all! LOL!

Pictures, Doctor's Appointments, and Health, OH MY!!

First things first, the folks are doing ok.

Saturday Dad's good friend, D, came up & took family pictures. It was so fabulous!! We had such a great time & couldn't thank her enough! D has been an phenomenal source of strength for me. She is completely understanding of everything that we are going through. When crap gets tough she is always there to listen. I absolutely adore her. My Dad only picks good people to be in his life & she's one of them! She spent 2 hours taking over 200 pictures of the family. How do you thank someone who took time out of their own schedule to spend time with your family, taking any and all pictures possible? Feel free to email with ideas. I can't wait to see the pictures!

There was only 1 sad time when we were taking pictures. My mom wanted one of herself, she wanted one of dad as well. She kind of sprung it on me and I choked back tears as she explained that she wanted a good single picture of her and dad for their obituaries. We didn't think dad would understand why we wanted a pic of him alone but as they were driving home dad said, "I can die now, I have a picture for my obituary." Again choking back tears. This isn't supposed to happen yet. They're too young to die. I digress.

Through my conversations with D, we are thinking that dad is willing himself to die. He made the comment to J, that he wasn't going to bury mom. I mentioned that to mom & she said that someone else had told her the same thing. My dad is essentially giving up. As sad as it is it's kind of a comfort to know that dad trusts us with mom. As D said, "He knows that if he dies, he'll see your mom again soon." It's a painful realization.

Moving on. We'll start with mom, she's easier right now! Yesterday she had an appointment with her oncologist. The oncologist thinks that she looks good! She hasn't started losing her hair yet. She hasn't had many side effects from the chemo as of yet. She's tired, and that's her main complaint. She smiles, she laughs, she's in good spirits. Maybe it's a front for us. Such a selfless woman she is. As I've said before, "Chemo is for the family, not for the patient. Who would willingly open themselves up for chemicals repeatedly to live when in all actuality it might only buy you a year or more?" I learn everyday what it's like to be a mom from my mom. I've been one for 12 years however learning how to be a mom to older kids is what I'm taking notes on right now.

Now onto dad. He's not so simple right now. He's feeling like crap. He's stuttering, he's stumbling, and he looks gray 90% of the time. Yesterday was a great day. He was happy and joking and only stuttered slightly. It was fabulous. You see, my dad has new found hope. Yesterday he had 2 doctor's appointments. One was w/ his regular doctor because his right breast was hurting and there was a lump there. My mom couldn't feel anything so I went down and felt. There was something there, what, I didn't know. Dr. Jani told dad that he has inflamed breast tissue. To be sure that's all it is, he rx'ed anti-inflammatories and dad has an ultrasound on his right breast. This could possibly have something to do with his tumor. We're kind of hoping that it does. If it does then dad goes in for brain surgery to get rid of his tumor and we hopefully get the happy dad back!

Moving on, Dad saw his heart doctor yesterday as well. His heart doctor threw a massive fit saying that everything that is going on with dad is NOT stress related and basically everyone else is full of shit and lazy because dad's symptoms are REAL. Something IS going on with him and his heart doctor, Dr. Murphy, is going to get to the bottom of it. He's going to find out what is going on inside of dad's body. Thank God.

That's the update from here. Hopefully soon we'll have more information on what's going on. Hopefully mom continues feeling pretty well.

To My Daddy,
      Don't give up yet. You have so many people fighting for you. When you're too weak to fight for yourself use our strength to pull you through. You mean so much to so many people. We love you so much!! ~Lisa

Time for an update!

My folks are doing well. So far there hasn't been any really bad side effects thanks to Red Devil. My mom still has her hair! (YAY!) She's tired but alas is still hanging in there! She's still keeping up on all of her farms too! LOL! 

My dad is doing ok, he's tired, and he has a hard time holding his head up sometimes but he's doing ok. Mom needs to make him an appointment for a new concern that has come up. I'm not discussing it yet as it's a pretty sensitive matter. 

Sunday we're having family pictures done! Thank you SO MUCH D for coming up to do these pictures after we had to cancel last weekend! I really appreciate this! 

Lisa

1/7/2011.. How the day went..

My mom had her first Doxorubicin, Doxil, Red Devil, Red Death treatment. My dad took her down to the Cancer Center around 8 am. They got back and did blood work to check her counts etc. Then they put her in one of the Chemo chairs. They explained all of the possible side effects which are what they say online. (Slow death in a bag I'm tellin ya)

I got there around 9:45. I came down later because I wanted to be there all day in case dad had to go home. Around 11 am they started her Doxil. They were only doing 60 cc's an hour b/c they wanted to see how her body reacted to it. She had maybe 20 cc's in when her chest started tightening. They slowed it down, added more histimine blockers and then continued. They ever so slowly bumped it up to 125 cc's/hour. Her throat started to swell. She had that nagging feeling in her throat, she tried drinking but it just wasn't helping. They stopped her treatment, pulled the Doxil off of her IV pole & pumped her with Benedryl & Pepcid. Pepcid is another histimine Blocker. That took about an hour, they spoke to her oncologist who really wants her on this crap. After she was nicely drugged they started her treatment again, said that we'd go until 5:30 P.M. and whatever was left was left, we got as much as we could in her.

Dad left around 2-3 P.M. he was looking extremely gray and just in general not feeling well. The rest of her chemo went off without a hitch. I filled out some of my Mom tell me a story book and we chatted. Around 4:30 P.M. Mom started sweating and getting hot. She looked a little bit pale. She took her blanket off of herself and was preparing to leave. I said, "Mom what's up?" She said, "We're leaving at 5 right?" I said, "No they're running your treatment until 5:30 and then they'll shut you off if you're not done." She said, "Oh, well hell." LOL! It was the sweetest thing ever. She was so ready to go.

She actually finished her treatment at 5:27pm. She wasn't all that thrilled about that. LOL! I got her stuff packed up, got the car warmed up, and we left around 5:45 ish. I was a little bit cranky, not because of anything she had done, but because I was sad. I was hoping against hope that this chemo wouldn't agree with her. That she wouldn't have to take this crap but alas I suppose with enough histimine blockers they can give you anything. :/

Yesterday morning I anxiously awaited her phone call. I wanted & needed to know how she was doing. She was pretty nauseated. It was 8:30 or so when we got to my mom's house and she was looking ok, but you could tell she wasn't feeling the greatest. She had an rx of Compazine at the pharmacy but the pharmacy didn't open until 9. Mike, the babies and I went to the pharmacy at 8:45. God love Dan Boian, he was already there and let me pick up my mom's meds. Anything to make her feel better. She felt better after she took the Compazine. Her day was spent between farming, playing on the computer, and sleeping. It's ok Mama, you're in the fight of your life right now, you sleep as much as you want. We'll take care of everything else. I promise.

When we went to my mom's yesterday morning, dad wasn't fairing so well. He just didn't look good. He was tired. Mom's chemo treatment had worn him out. He just can't handle being out of the house for 6-8 hours a day. He slept most of the day.

The family pictures that I had planned didn't happen. That's ok though. We'll have more weekends and I just hope that mom doesn't lose her hair too fast. We're shooting for 2 weeks from now. Unless my ex husband doesn't get the kids next weekend. Then we'll do them then!

Back to mom. She's in for 6 months of this crap. Once every 4 weeks. She's on the lowest possible dose which is good. We're hoping her side effects will be minimal. We are going to have dad take her to her appointments, then as soon as I get off work I'll go down and sit with her for the rest of her treatments so dad can come home. I'll get there about 2.

If anyone would like to sit with mom please let me know. When you go in please explain to her just to take her treatment like she would if dad or I were there. She generally sleeps through most of it, but we like for someone to be there just in case she needs something. Since her appetite is still ok, she really likes vanilla frosties from Wendy's! LOL! It's actually pretty boring sitting there but you get to know your chair 'mate'.

Also please understand that it's not a dark dungeon. There are 21 chairs, most of the time they are full. You will hear beeping, oxygen machines running, IV poles being moved around (yes the patients get up and walk around!), but most of all you'll hear laughter. Yes laughter.. it's soothing to the soul.

~Lisa