Mom & Dad's Dr. Appointment w/ the GP

This really should just be titled dad's appointment. Mom didn't go because she wasn't feeling well. She couldn't even remember why she was going. She thought it was for a check up & she said, "I've had enough check ups!" Dad & I got in the van and left. I had to pick up an rx for her & they didn't do it right. She's calling this morning to complain.

They already had dad in a room when I got back to where he was. I said, "Dad, will he be a few minutes I have got to pee!" He said, "Yes, he should be." He was wrong.. I was gone literally 2 minutes and Dr. Jani was in the room with him already! LOL!

He started asking questions about the form that he needed to fill out. As we talked dad said that it felt like they needed to up his Parkinson's meds. He said, "They seem to work for about 6 hours and then they don't." Dr. Jani raised an eye brow. He looked at me kind of questioning if I agreed that the meds were working. I said, "Yes, but they are wearing out too early. He is doing GREAT on them!" I said, "He doesn't stumble, stutter, and his memory seems to be a bit better." I said, "HE LAUGHS!! It's been so long since he's laughed!" Dr. Jani said that he wasn't convinced that dad had Parkinson's & wasn't ready to give him that official diagnosis. He said, "If you do have Parkinson's than you are showing in an Atypical way." He said, "On the other hand, if someone gave me medicine for Parkinson's it wouldn't work for me, so the fact that you are having improvement is proof that there is something neurological going on." *nods* We know this.

Then came the rough topic. My mom. I said, "Mom is obviously not here. She wasn't feeling well but also couldn't remember why she made the appointment, if it was for a check up or what." Then dad started in.. "She went to the Cancer Center yesterday and they gave her 2 bags of fluid (he held his hands up to show Dr. Jani how big the bags were) while exclaiming how big the bags were." Dad said, "She spent the past week in bed, she's lost 14 lbs, they've given her 3-5 months to live." I interjected and said, "Daddy, that's only if she stops chemo." Dad said, "If it makes her sick she's done".. his face contorted. I jumped up to stand by him. Within seconds he was sobbing. Dr. Jani said, "I'm sorry sir, I'm really sorry sir." Through the tears dad said, "She's sick and I can't take care of her. I can't take this from her." I looked up at the ceiling & rubbed dad's back. Dr. Jani was rubbing the other side of dad. He said, "Sir, she's been fighting this for so long, she's done so well!!" Dad cried harder. I looked over at Dr. Jani & his eyes were filled with tears. He took his glasses off & said, "Sir you're making me cry!" Dad apologized for breaking down and crying. Dr. Jani said, "It's all right, all of this is hard." I looked at Dr. Jani & said, "A year from November will be 40 years that they've been married." He shook his head, it wasn't a no, it wasn't a yes, it was more of an "I understand" shake. (I hope that makes sense.)

Dr. Jani said, "We'll get that blood test for you." Dad thanked him & the nurse came in within a few seconds. Dad tried to stand up out of the chair & he fell right back down. The nurse and I both grabbed for him. I'll have to check his arms this morning to see if I scratched him. I was trying to lessen his fall. He stumbled a little bit and the nurse looked him in the eye & said, "Paul are you ok?" He said, "Yeah, am ok." She became more stern & said, "Are you sure?" He said, "Yeah."

We got his blood work & did the normal trip to Wal-Mart after any type of appointment & came home.

*insert numbness*

A few days ago I felt as though I couldn't stop crying. The past few days I'm so incredibly numb. I see all of this, I don't cry. I feel sympathy and sadness, but I can't cry. It sort of pisses me off because I feel cold hearted. In any other circumstance I would've been bawling right along with dad. I just couldn't. I don't know if I wouldn't let myself or what. I think this is the most difficult. All through out life I could NEVER see my mom cry & me not join in with her. Going through a 1/2 a box of tissues would've been nothing if mom & I are both crying. Now I just can't. I can't relax enough I guess. I'm numb. I feel like a robot. I have stuff to do & I don't have time to cry. I don't have time to do anything but make sure that my folks are ok. I'm fine with this. I don't mind taking care of them at all. I see their daily struggles with that I also see their daily triumphs too. I digress.

This was dad's appointment yesterday. Mom did ok yesterday. She was out of the bed most of the day. Then she was up late too. She is amazed at how much better she feels with fluids. I really need to find a caretaker class. I feel like I should've known that she was dehydrated. I should know all of this stuff. I just don't.

Until later today or tomorrow....