I completely admit it...

I'm so angry right now. I have lost a lot of 'faith'. Today is my birthday and dammit I want another 32 years with my parents.

I was on the phone with mom last night & she said, "OMG Lisa I didn't get you anything for your birthday.. not even a CARD!" I went quiet for a minute trying to figure out what to say without making her feel bad. I'm not a kid anymore, really it's just another day. I said, "Mom I just want you here for my next birthday." It just kind of fell out before I could even think. Through tears she said, "I'll try my damnest Lisa." Of course this evoked massive tears from me. I can't stand to see my mom cry. I can't stand to see my dad cry either..

I'm so mad. Why my mom? Why my dad? Why can't I just keep them forever? How am I going to break it to the kids again? How am I going to look my Kaitlyn in the eyes and say, "She'll be ok" And actually believe it? I don't believe it. They are going to pump my mom with all these freaking chemicals that could actually make her sicker later. Is this really a fair trade off? I cut the last blog short because I couldn't handle what I was reading. They nicknamed this chemo "Red Devil" AND "Red Death" Yeah because cancer isn't hard enough to deal with. Why not just call it "Death Row"? I mean really.

I'm not handling this well right now at all. I sort of knew that her cat scan was bad because the doctor wouldn't call her back. I think I'm having more of a hard time with the type of chemo. Why does it have to be so harsh. Why is it sensitive to light? WTF is up with it blistering the skin if it makes it out of a vein? Will it do this if they miss her port? Is my mom going to be covered in blisters? They say that the hands and soles of the feet are effected as well. The skin will slough off and her feet will become sore and sensitive. Well WHAT THE HELL. It sounds like slow death in a bag.

J isn't comfortable with this either. She thinks we all need to go in & sit down and talk to the oncologist and ask why this one? Why such a harsh one? Why make my mom suffer when I KNOW there's other types out there? I'm a mix of emotions. I'm pissed off mainly and I'm scared. I want my mom here for another 32 years. At this rate I'll be lucky to have her until I'm 35. My heart is breaking. I don't want to see her lose her hair again. I don't want her to be sick. I don't want her to be weak again. I don't want to have to keep the babies away if they have a sniffle. I don't want to jump everytime the phone rings. I don't want my mom to suffer. I know I'm selfish. Right now I don't care. I really just want to hold my mom and make it all go away. This isn't fair.. I know life isn't fair.. but I'd rather go through this than her. I'm stronger, I'm younger, and dammit I deserve it, she doesn't. She doesn't deserve any of this. It's just not fair.

I just want to scream. Praying isn't working, if it was, my parents would be ok. They're not. I don't want to tell my kids, "Guys, Grammy is going to get really sick again." I don't want my Kaitlyn sweeping up the hair in the bathroom like she did last time so "Grammy won't notice how much she's lost."

I'm so angry & scared. ~Lisa

P.S. I know this one was all about me & not so much my parents.. but I'm hoping if I complain enough maybe I'll feel better. so far it's not happening.

I lied..

I know I said that I wouldn't put pics & such up.. but I lied. I made these 2 videos for my folks. The first was for my mom's 60th birthday. The 2nd was one I made about a year ago when we found out my mom had cancer for the 2nd time & was diagnosed with stage IV lung cancer. They are comforting to me.

Make an on-line slideshow at www.OneTrueMedia.com

The one for my mom from my dad--

Make an on-line slideshow at www.OneTrueMedia.com

There's No Easy Way To Put This...

I apologize for not posting more. Things have been crazy here.

Dad got better for a day. Maybe. He's still stuttering, stumbling, extremely emotional, and now we worry that he's not doing mentally well. He said some things to mom tonight that made her worry. She asked if she needed to call their psychiatrist and he said no. Just keep these things back here with you. That's as far as I'm going into detail with that. Feel free to draw your own conclusion. Dad's not well.

Mom found out Christmas Eve Day that her cancer has grown some more. She starts chemo a week from Friday. The doctor was trying to put her off until after Christmas but my mom was adamant. Finally he called her back. She found out today that the chemo they are using isn't one that's common. She has to have it once every 3 weeks. It's 6 hours long & it's red. It has the chance to make her pretty sick. The most common side effect is diarrhea. She's not too happy & I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be either. I've just googled Red Chemo Drug.. I wish I wouldn't have. It's called the Red Devil for short. She'll lose her hair without a doubt.

That's the update from here. Today, Life sucks.

He's Home!!

Dad is finally at home. Last night he looked better than I've seen him look in a long time. He was giving EVERYONE a hard time! It was great! He only stuttered a little bit!

The new neurosurgeon has said that while he does have a pituitary tumor that's not the cause for everything that's going on. We're back to square one. The most 'logical' reason is that something 'clicked' in dad when mom was hospitalized last January. Then came the diagnosis of her stage 4 lung cancer. They're trying to attribute all of this to that. I'm not so sure that I agree however everything else is clear. His brain looks good, all of his blood work is normal etc. He's having his psychoanalysis on the 19th of this month. I need to recheck that date.. that's a Sunday. That can't be right.. anyhow.

I spent 6 very long hours at the hospital yesterday. It was wretched. I loathe hospitals. Dad was surprised that I actually stayed as long as I did, he said, "It's not a bad thing but I'm just surprised." I AM TOO! lol! If I would've had my phone I would've begged Mike to come sit w/ him & then bring him home. On dad & I's drive home I said, "Dad it kind of pisses me off, them saying that it is in your head, we're really back to square one." He said, "It doesn't piss me off at all, we know more now than we did 4 days ago." Which is true, we do. He said, "Now we just know that we need to look other places." Very wise man, even when he's sick he's wise.

I think the whole "It's in his head" deal makes him sound psychotic or something and he's not at all. There's a huge stigma to that. The doctor explained it to mom better, he said, "Something just flipped and it was traumatic to your husband. This is his body's way of reacting to it." It sounded better coming from him I suppose. Every time I say it, it still doesn't make sense. In the end if mom & dad are happy with his diagnosis than who am I to complain or question it?

For this morning, dad is home, he's in his bed, and all is well. Thank God.

Part 2--How His Day Went

Dad was ok, not great but ok. If you're going to see him late morning-early afternoon is the best. After 4 pretty much sucks because he's worn out. I didn't get to see him until after 4 so this will all be later in the day info.

We got there and I got to see him for about 10 minutes before they took him for his MRI. They are now doing one on his neck be alas he has 2 bulging discs in his neck. Everyone keeps saying, "No that has nothing to do with this." So now they're thinking it could? Dad was doing ok when I got there. Quite the smart ass he was being. It was extremely nice to see!

Papa got to see his girl in her dress & then they took him off for his MRI. When he came back crap kind of hit the fan. They've taken him off of ALL of his depression meds, cold turkey. His psychiatrist does NOT know this. How is it possible that they say he needs depression meds but then take him off of all of his.. cold turkey?!?! Moving on...Dad didn't look good when he came in. He was sweating, he was shaking and the tears started to flow. He laid back on his bed and had mom and I's hands held tightly and pulled to his chest. "Daddy ARE YOU OK?!?! DADDY!" Through nods he answered. He gave me a shrug for if he was ok. Apparently being enclosed for the MRI made him extremely claustrophobic. His head was pounding. I went out to the nurses station and asked for something for pain and sort of whispered he's not doing good. The nurse came in & Checked his sugars they were 90, checked his blood pressure--175/93.

The nurse paged his gp and they gave him a dose of Ativan.. ANTI-ANXIETY! Give him his damn depression meds back and you wouldn't have had to do that! (So frustrating!) Mom and I had to leave to go pick up the littles and dad was doing ok when we left. Mike stayed there & J was walking in the hospital doors when mom and I left. Kaitlyn left w/ Mike so she could soak up a little bit more of his time.

I'm unsure how today is going to play out...the weatherman predicted 1-3 inches of snow but we were on the cusp of 3-6, now that I'm looking at the weather channel we're under a warning for 4-7. So I'm not sure who's going where today.

Keep the prayers coming.. something is working. Pray for this new neurosurgeon to figure out what's going on with dad. Anything to make him ok.

She Got Mad & Made Things Happen! 1 of 2

I have recently blogged about my mom getting pissed. How things would happen if she got pissed. OH yeah, she got pissed!

Yesterday morning we got a phone call that said that everything that was going on was in dad's head. Basically some traumatic event triggered his brain to say, "Ok, lets be dizzy." and now his body is reacting to this. They are trying to pin this back to my mom's apparent, "Near death experience." (We're all kind of in shock and didn't realize how close to death she was.. apparently.) Anyhow.. that was last January. So it took my dad's brain 10 months of saying, "OK get dizzy, make that blood pressure go up, oh here we're going to give ourself a headache." Before my dad's body fully reacted to it. Crazy much? YES! That's what the doctors were trying to say!!! My mom was in tears, then she took a nap, THEN her adrenalin kicked in & her mouth started going. THIS IS AWESOME!

Last night we went to see dad, I dropped mom off & took Kaitlyn to get a dress for her Christmas program. In the mean time dad's neurologist came in. In her broken English she said, "We gonna starta therapy on you. Ok? This will be our game plan ok?" My mom sitting silently in the corner of the room, fuming pissed because they are not figuring out what is going on, sternly says, "NO! That is NOT ok!" (WOOHOO!) My mom goes on to explain my dad has fluid draining out of his ear, his jaw hurts, and they have taken him off of ALL of his depression meds cold turkey and for the love of God he's HAD therapy!! THIS IS NOT OK! YOU GUYS SAYING THIS IS IN HIS HEAD IS NOT OK!

We now have a second opinion Neurosurgeon coming in to look at my dad. THANK GOD! The neurosurgeon's resident came in last night and said, "THIS IS NOT IN HIS HEAD! THERE IS SOMETHING GOING ON!!!" HALLELUJAH!!! FINALLY! Someone is LISTENING! My dad will be taken care of. It's NOT in his head. Thank GOD my mom got pissed off and let the dr have it. I'm telling you if I would've been there I would've video taped it! It sounds like it was fabulous! This has got to be the turning point where my mom saved my dad.

Now we just have to hope that because whatever is plaguing dad won't stay so inconspicuous and will eventually show itself so that this neurosurgeon doesn't give up too! Part 1--

Dear God Just Make My Dad Ok...

It's 3:30 am & I can't sleep. This is how awesome my dad is, even I didn't realize it...

One of his co-workers, we'll call her D, had surgery a few years ago. Dad went to the hospital with carnations or flowers of the like for her. Just to make sure that she was ok. You see, my dad doesn't let many people in. Before he got sick he wouldn't talk to hardly anyone. He just wasn't a very open person. After my brother died he put up a few more walls. Yesterday in the hospital he kept telling J that she needed to get 766, then he'd trail off and say 766666. I thought that he was talking about his lotto tickets. I was wrong. He was talking about D. He wanted her called so that she knew what was going on. The 2nd time I heard him ask, I asked J, what is he talking about?!?! She said He wants D called. I nodded and said ok, I've got 3 of her phone numbers I'll go call.

I went out to the van and called her. She was relieved to hear what was going on. She had gotten a message that dad was in the hospital. Nothing else. She didn't know why, she didn't know his condition or anything. As we chatted she told me the story about dad going in to see her after her surgery and how much it meant to her. I choked back tears as I replied, "That's my dad!" That is my dad. That's how awesome he is. I hung up with her and promised to keep her posted last night.

I went back into the hospital, and saw dad, he was only sort of awake. I said, "Daddy I called D." He said, "WHO?!?!" I said, "D." He didn't understand. I said, "Daddy I called 766." He got an instant look of relief in his eyes. He said, "Ok, Thank you." I said, "She's worried about you daddy." He nodded although I'm not sure it was intentional.

D is coming to see dad today during lunch. I hope that he's feeling better. I know that the day that he went to work to see everyone he was bummed that she wasn't there. It's amazing the power of a friendship!! If this helps him pull through and be ok, I wish she'd camp out in his room!

Why my dad is amazing story #2. Yesterday when we got there, obviously things weren't well. He wasn't coherent, he was coming in and out of consciousness. We're not sure if he was sleeping or passing out. His eyes would roll before his head would slump back. Mom was on one side of the gurney and I was on the other. Both holding his hands. I had the hand that was in the blood pressure cuff so it was cold. Daddy's hands are never cold, not even when he would tuck our hair in our hoods when we were little!

Dad grabbed moms hand kind of like he was going to arm wrestle her. I think it was for a better grip. It took all the strength he had to lift himself the few inches and pucker his lips. He gently kissed mom before he laid himself back on the bed. It was the simplest, yet most powerful form of affection I've ever seen. It took everything he had to lean up and kiss mom. Yet, while he's there on this gurney, he's worried about mom. They have such a phenomenal relationship.

My dad is amazing. Dear God, Just make my dad ok. Ok? He's got too many people who would be devastated to lose him. Me included. Amen.

Really Bad Day Today

Dad had an appointment at 11:45 this morning with his regular doctor. Around 11 am his whole world started spinning. Literally. He couldn't walk and he couldn't keep his balance for anything in the world. Mom asked him if he was ok and he said No that he wasn't ok.

J was already here to take dad to his appointment and apparently on the drive down he just got worse and worse and worse. Dad let them put him in a wheel chair to take him into the office. J talked to the Dr. in the hallway and he went into the room and more or less said, "You're going to the ER you don't have a choice. I think that you're having a stroke."

Dad refused to take an ambulance to the ER. J and her husband got my dad into her truck and she took him to the ER. I got the call at 12:20 pm via my mom, "Lisa, dad went to the doctor and he's in the hospital." Since my phone doesn't work in the school I didn't get the call until after I got out of work. I was almost to Fairbury by the time I actually listened to the voice mail. My heart sank. I wasn't really surprised but at the same time I wasn't expecting it to be like this.

I called mom back and asked her if we were going to the hospital. We were. I came here, she was getting dressed and such when I got here. I rushed her to get to dad. He wasn't all that coherent, he couldn't walk, and he was very very weak. When we got there mom had to say "dad" a few times to get him to answer her. It was heartbreaking to say the least. He finally answered her and his head bobbed all over the place his eyes were empty. He was trying but just couldn't focus on anything. His head slumped back, it was hell. Literally.

I went over to talk to him & I got his attention for a minute, I said, "Daddy do you know who I am?" He tried.. he really did. After a few minutes he got it right. It sucks trying to get your dad to remember who you are.

The neurologist came in and I have to say that we really don't care for her. She came in & started yelling his name to get his attention. Dumbass he's NOT deaf, his brain isn't working. Yelling isn't going to make it any better. To prove this point my dad lifted his head and said, "Who are you?!?!?!" She asked if he'd been crying and why was he crying. We're like he does this from time to time because he feels bad. She said, "I think that he needs to be on some sort of antidepressant." Uhm.. brainiac, he's on antidepressants and has been for about 15 years. Ever since my brother died. Pay attention to your files and stop acting like he's just a number. MY DAD IS NOT A NUMBER HE'S MY DAD!

Apparently his MRA and EEG came back fine. Someone is missing something somewhere because this isn't normal and this sure as hell isn't normal for someone like my dad. Not normal for him at all. He knows who his kids are, he knows how to talk properly, he knows how to walk, hell he knows how to do so much that he's a total genius in his own way. People under estimate how awesome he really is.

Tonight in the hospital they did another EEG and another MRI. Hopefully something will show up somewhere. We need for it to. Dad's personal hell needs to be fixed. They need to make him better.

Obviously begging for prayers is an understatement.

I've just re-read this and it's awfully jumbled. I'm hoping somewhere it makes sense.

Time for an Update..

Not really sure what to update considering we STILL don't know anything. :/ In the past 2 weeks dad has had his MRA, EEG and a 24 hr 02 check. No results on any of them. How is it possible that if he were in the hospital we'd have the results in 24 hours holiday or not? 2 weeks ago today he had his MRA.. really technology is that slow? Obviously frustration is happening. My mom is frustrated too & doesn't really like to talk about it. We just want to know WHAT is going on.

Dad's been kind of holding steady. Some days are ok and some days are bad. I don't know if he really has GOOD days anymore. Mom said that he's going to try and get the doctors to release him for January 2nd to go back to work. He feels like if the doctors are in no hurry than maybe it's not as bad as he really feels. There aren't any doctors that would give him the ok to go back to work and if they did, the first stumble and dad would be back out the door on medical leave again. This isn't really a bad thing. Mom and I both know that he can't handle going to work, I think he does too. I think frustration is taking over for him. Kind of like, "Piss on you guys, take your time and I want to go back to work." sort of.

I think right now as long as he doesn't give up we'll be ok. We're still praying for all this mess to be fixed my medicine. Hoping that it's TIA's. That would be the best at this point. Really if he just woke up and was back to normal that would be even better!

He is going to see his regular doctor today. Maybe he'll have some answers. J is taking him since I have to work. Well she has to work too but since my job is newer than hers, it's not frowned upon as much if she takes off than if I were to.

We're still hoping for some answer some where. Nobody seems to be in a hurry to get answers. At least the doctors aren't. If they have the answers they aren't in any hurry to tell us what they are.

Signed--Yeah really frustrated post this morning.

I Could Do It...11/29/2010

My dad was crying at the counter last night. He is scared. He's scared they're not gonna find anything, he's scared if they do find something, and he just feels really bad. My mom and I were standing there and my mom said that she was calling the doctors this morning. Dad kind of inquired why and mom said because we need answers.

I looked at my mom and said, "I can do it!" quite excitedly actually. My mom's eyes got HUGE, bugging out is an understatement. She shook her head no and said, "NO, I know how you can be." I gave an innocent look and shrugged then replied, "I'm not THAT bad!"

My mom shook her head again and said, "You can get mean." I said, "I won't get mean." What she is referring to is the fact that I can be extremely pushy if not borderline aggressive when I want something. Sometimes it's a curse and sometimes it's a gift. I get it honestly.. (More on that in a bit) I think there's no perfect time than now to be stern and demand answers. It's been almost 2 months. 2 months of living hell for my dad.

I don't have a fear of being stern with doctors or nurses if they aren't moving fast enough. I don't generally accept the typical, "We'll call YOU back attitude." IF I get that then I call them back until they get sick of hearing my voice. Just ask my daughter's pediatrician! I don't generally get snotty unless they get snotty first. Then I will. Otherwise it's sickeningly sweet and personalizing the situation for them. What if this were your dad? Generally is all it takes. I digress..

How I came about this honestly... I was young, very young. There was a Payless Shoe store in a strip mall in Bloomington. There was a sign that said, "Buy 1 Get 1 Free!" My mom thought she had hit the jackpot for shoes! She went in and picked out her 2 pairs of sandals that she wanted. She went to check out and albeit her total was the price of both pairs. She said, "Uhm NO, your sign says b1g1f". The salesman tried to tell her that it was only for the sandals on the sign. My mom was NOT buying this and was NOT leaving the store until she got her pair of sandals for free. I saw my mom be aggressive and persuasive at the same time. All the while letting them know that the little tiny print at the bottom of the sign saying, "These sandals on this sign only are free." wasn't going to cut it for her. She left the store with 2 pairs of sandals. 1 she paid for and 1 was free. That's where I get it from. My mom doesn't generally back down if she's in the right. I'm the same way. If I'm right and I know it, I'll push the issue. Part of that comes from my dad too.. after all his nickname is Mr. Perfect. He was always right about everything...no matter how wrong he was, he was still right! My mom considers that one of her worst parenting moments, I consider it one of her greatest..

If there's ever been a better time to tell the doctors enough playing around, it's now. Figure out what is going on and fix my dad. I will follow my mom's wishes and not call the doctor. That will only upset her and that isn't ok. I mean really, she got a free pair of sandals in the 80s because she was ticked. Surely we can get answers because of her background in bargaining ;).

It's been 10 days since his MRA, 5 days since his EEG. That's more than enough time to have some results. I just hope and pray that they're good results, that they find something that's fixable. Anything to take my dad's hell away from him.

I told my dad last night, I wish this was me and not you. I do wish it was me. I'm younger, I'm more resilient, I think maybe, just maybe, I could handle it better. Then my dad wouldn't be hurting so much. I could hurt instead of him. I'd be ok with that. My dad is the family's hero, me, not so much. It boils down to the fact that watching him in so much pain, so unsteady, so short of breath, so dizzy, and not being able to speak well is hell too. Just a different kind of hell. It's realizing that he's not invincible anymore. It ignites a certain fire in me to want to fight for him. He fought for the family for so many years, it's time we fight for him.

This got way longer and a lot more rambly than I expected it to. In short, pray that we get some answers today. We need those more than anything.

11/28/2010

Thanksgiving went well. My folks went to J's house for a little bit. Dad although tired, seemed to be doing pretty well. I held a conversation with him & he didn't stutter once. It's so hard to think that those are the biggest bright spots in my days. Just talking to my dad. He went to bed shortly after they got home and I saw him get up once to get his nightly meds and then back to bed he went.

Friday he seemed to be doing ok. Still tired from the day before.

Yesterday was hell. Complete and total hell. It was hell for anyone who was around. My dad was in a bad mood. Then the bad mood went to tears. He was crying when I went to pick mom up & take her to Wal-Mart. Mom got in the van and she started crying. This is going sound really bad, but she was pissed. She wasn't pissed at my dad at all, she's pissed at the doctors for dragging their feet. For not coming up with answers. She said, "If these damn doctors don't figure out what's going on, I'm calling the regular doctor and getting a referral to Chicago." It's nice to see my mom get pissed. She rarely does. When she IS pissed, watch out. This is what we need for my dad. My urging & pleading with her to pester the doctors only made her feel sad. I think seeing my dad how he is now, is pissing her off. She knows that he wants more than what he's getting. Seeing my dad cry rips my mom to pieces and in turn pisses her off at anyone who's making him cry. In short Pissed off mom = results for dad! ;)

We got home from Wal-Mart a couple hours later and I told mom to go in, I'd get everything. Dad was standing at the door like he was going to come out and help. I said, "Dad I've got it don't worry about it." He moved away from the door, went to sit in his chair and then just sobbed into his hands. Mom and I both think that he wanted to come with us to Wal-Mart but just didn't feel good enough to go. We brought him back a milk shake because his mouth his hurting. (I'm unsure on this one, I just know that his jaw hurts which is making his throat, tounge and gums sore)

In the mean time mom went back to her computer & less than 10 minutes later, I 1/2 assedly asked her if she wanted to try some of the stuff I made for Thanksgiving. I said it in the hallway so dad would think that that's why I was going back there. I hit the door before she said just a little. I asked her to come out to the kitchen because dad was sobbing and I didn't know what to do to fix it. She said, "Lisa you can't fix it." I shook my head & said well then come out here because I can't handle this by myself. I choked back tears as I asked him if he wanted me to get him some Thanksgiving dinner or not. He did. I gave him mostly soft stuff to eat. I went back out to the kitchen after getting his plate and it was empty so he did manage to eat. I asked if he wanted anything else or needed anything and he said no he was good.

About an hour later he came in and told me that he was going to bed and that he'd see me in the morning. I didn't get up to hug him. Even now, less than 12 hours later I regret not hugging him good night. I don't know why I didn't, I just didn't.

Yesterday was extremely difficult. Today aught to be pretty good though. My babies were at their dad's house for Thanksgiving so it's been 4 days since dad has seen Itty Bitty (his nickname for the 11 yo). As soon as she walks in the door he'll be happy again. She is his everything.

As I type this I wonder if my dad feels this way every day & just refuses to show it because Itty Bitty is normally there. Something to think about I guess. This really makes me want to re-think sending her on visits. She doesn't like going anyhow. If it makes all 3 of them happy then why not?

This is the latest... Yes we're still waiting on answers.

No Answers Yet....

Dad had his MRA last Friday. We're still awaiting answers. Today he had his EEG and wouldn't you know it he couldn't sleep through it! He did pretty well today considering that he had to be up for so long.

Mom thinks that we'll get answers on his MRA & EEG the beginning of next week. I hope so! We really need to know what is going on. Dad is miserable, we need to get him back to feeling ok.

Tomorrow they are supposed to go to J's house. Mike & I are having dinner here with just the 2 of us unless dad doesn't feel well & then we'll be doing 'take out' to them. :D

That's pretty much it from here.

Happy 38th Anniversary...

Today is my parent's 38th Anniversary. Happy Anniversary.. That's All~Lisa

Prayer Greedy

My mom being the amazing woman she is will probably get ticked that I'm writing about her on Dads blog however I think it's necessary this morning. 

Mike and I were talking last night and he said something that sort of took me by surprise. He said, "Babe your folks are some of the nicest people I've ever met. I love them so much." I know this about my parents but for someone else to see just how amazing they are made me proud. It was like a mom watching her baby get the award they deserve. 

Moving on to my mom...there's a lot that she won't tell you. She doesn't want the sympathy and she doesn't want prayers for herself. She wants the prayers for dad because she thinks that he needs them more than she does. Maybe she's right. I've never heard of being prayer greedy but I guess that's what I'm about to be. 

You see, my mom is fighting stage 4 lung cancer. It started a few years ago when she was diagnosed with cancer on her Fallopian tube. Then it metastisized into her lungs. It's living happily there now. 

She found out that she had lung cancer 2 weeks after she quit smoking. Almost a 50 year habit and she quit. Even after the diagnosis came in she still didn't start back. My mom has gone through 2 rounds of chemo. Her last ended in August. The oncologist told her that since her cancer had shrunk it was ok to stop the chemo. They would watch her lungs through cat scans and blood tests. 

She had a 3 month mark cat scan and her cancer had grown ever so slightly. Her oncologist said we'll wait to see what happens on your December cat scan. If it grows more we might have to start chemo again. 

My mom in the past few days has had to start using her oxygen 24/7 again. She's getting winded quicker than she was. She confessed to me last night that she didn't have a good feeling about the upcoming cat scan. I've watched her breathe and I've seen her struggle. While I'm hoping for the best I'm sort of bracing myself for the worst. 

Then came the big question of what if she has to go back on chemo? Who will get her there? Luckily Mike is working a job where he can ask for a certain day of the week off. If that doesn't work than she can schedule it so that I can drop her off before I go to work and pick her up when I get off of work. 

Granted nobody wants to think about all of this stuff but it's now necessary. So I guess this is the long drawn out way to ask for prayers for my mom too. She'd never ask for them for herself. It's just not her. I see the fear in her eyes about dad, I see the fear in her eyes about herself. All I can do is pray for them and promise to be there when they need something, and ask for prayers for them even if they won't ask for themselves. 

I've talked about my dad being fiesty and my mom is the same way. They have to be with all that is plaguing them right now. So at the risk of being 'prayer greedy' could you throw my Mom's name in there somewhere when you pray for my dad too? I'd really appreciate it. Let's face it if you don't, I won't know anyhow ;). ~Lisa

11/20/2010 Part 2

Dad has had a pretty bad day today. We think that he's worn out from yesterday. He's stumbled and stuttered a lot today. He had company this morning. A long time friend of his stopped by to see him. Mom had to get him up from his morning nap and he stumbled out to the living room. A few times he almost fell completely down. Hopefully this has everything to do with him being so tired vs him actually getting a lot worse.

I went over this afternoon and he was so short of breath & so unsteady on his feet. I asked him if he needed help to get back to his chair and he said, "No I have walls to lean on." I helped him back out to his chair anyhow. It was so hard to watch him try to sit. You could see him trying to tell his right leg to lift so he could at least get part way sat down but his leg wasn't moving. After about 3 seconds his leg finally moved and he plopped down. He's still breathing quite heavily by now. I gave him a huge hug and asked if I could get him anything before I left.

Again we should have results back by Tuesday. We need these results. We need to know what is going on. Our general consensus (mom and I's) is that the pituitary tumor is causing the dizzy/ light headed feeling and that the TIA's are causing the stuttering/stumbling etc. Best case scenario this all fixes itself.. realistically we are hoping that it IS TIA's at least those can be fixed with medicine.

2-3 days until his MRA results come in & 4 days until his EEG!

11/20/2010 (long)

Dad had an ok day yesterday.. a bit rough though. Yesterday dad had his MRA FINALLY! We should have the results from it Monday-Tuesday. We are hoping that it shows something that can be easily fixed! J had to take him down since my son had a doctor's appointment at the same time. Dad wanted to run some errands while he was down there so they did all of that.

I'm going to back up to yesterday morning. I ended up calling my mom around 8:00 am to see if I could use their van for work. My wonderful boyfriend decided to put his big fiberglass ladder through my windshield before he left for work. It was a total accident, frost + big heavy ladder + metal non frosted van w/ no ladder rack = Lisa's windshield has a few hundred big cracks in it now. I went to get mom and dad's van around 9:45 am. When I went in to get the keys I said, "Hi Daddy, I need your keys, I have to take your van to work, Mike put his ladder through my windshield." He gave a perplexed look, handed the keys over and then scowled. I assumed it was because he just woke up and hearing that I have a new style of windshield doesn't really make anyone happy.

I dropped their van back off after work and headed home. Mom called about 10 minutes later asking why I didn't come in to see her. I said because you & dad were both sleeping. She said, "Lisa dad's not here." Uhm what? I got home at 1:30ish his appointment wasn't until 3:00 and I made sure I hurried home from work in case he wanted to leave early to run errands.

(This is where there has to be guardian angels, divine intervention, something) My mom said, "Lisa, dad wasn't too happy that you came and got the van. When you came to get it he was within a few minutes of leaving to take himself to Bloomington." I cut her off, "Mom, that's way earlier than his appointment at 3:00 pm." Mom said, "I know, but he had some stuff that he wanted to do." Mom said that she had to explain to dad that J was taking him to Bloomington b/c we didn't want him going alone. He got super cranky over it. Obviously he feels like we are babying him and trying to take his independence away from him. That's not the case however when he can't last 20 minutes in Wal-Mart I'm not exactly sure how he expected to last 6 HOURS until his appointment.. basically almost an 8-10 hour day after his appointment for his MRA. In short (too late) There's a reason the ladder slipped off of Mike's work van and into my windshield. If it wouldn't have dad would've left for Bloomington by himself while mom was sleeping and couldn't have stopped him. Dad knew that J was taking him to Bloomington, we're not sure if he forgot or was just being defiant. Either or I'm really glad my windshield got busted. *Ironic I know!*

This next part is all 3rd hand information--J and dad went to Bloomington and while they were there they went to Wal-Mart and dad stopped by work to see people. Instead of taking the elevator he took the stairs. By the time all was said and done apparently 4 guys had to help him out to the truck (He says NO there wasn't that many), he was stumbling, gray, lightheaded, hard time breathing, and he was crying. He was so upset that he didn't remember anyone's names. The 2 people that he went to see weren't there. J was going to call and talk to mom about it last night & I never heard from mom so I don't know the rest of the story.

They got home around 6pm last night. When I went over to see them, dad could hardly walk. He was stumbling all over the place, stuttering, out of breath, and I really wish he would've just sat or laid down. He's being stubborn. He's scared. He doesn't want to lose his independence. Obviously we all understand this. At the same time we know his limits and he is either ignoring them or trying to push them. Him being stubborn isn't all bad. It could actually be worse, he could just lay down and give up. So for today, please continue to be stubborn dad, continue this fight, we're all fighting for you as well.

Wednesday he has his EEG. Apparently when that is done they will call to set up his psychoanalysis. His primary doctor is also ordering a 24 hour oxygen level on him since he is getting winded so quickly.

I'm pretty sure today he'll lay low. Yesterday was super busy for him. Please continue the prayers and thoughts. They are appreciated. ~Lisa

11/19/2010

Dad had a pretty good day yesterday! Yesterday his 11 yo grand daughter had their Thanksgiving dinner at school. I invited the folks to come but it was debatable since dad has had kind of a rough week. Mom and I specifically didn't mention anything about the dinner until yesterday morning. We didn't want him to feel obligated if he didn't feel well. He got up from his morning nap and they decided that they would come! 11 yo was so excited to see them! I already had them seated and eating by the time she came in the cafeteria! It was great! I would love to tell you more however I was serving and most of the upper elementary kids are taller than I am! LOL! They seemed to have a good time! As soon as lunch was over they left and came home. Mom said that he did pretty good.

Today is his MRA. I'm hoping and praying that it shows SOMETHING. I'm just hoping & praying that it shows something FIXABLE! That's the key word! Wednesday dad goes for his EEG and I'm unsure if his psychoanalysis has been set up yet. Hopefully one of these tests will show something. I was talking to dad the other day & he said that he's had 70 some odd blood tests run on him & nothing is showing up.

If you've added him to your prayer lists at church Thank You! I know that he's on a few but the more the merrier!

11/17/2010

Late post from yesterday. Some days I'm just not really sure what to put. A lot of days he just holds steady from where he was the day before. Repeating myself seems like a moot point but at the same time it holds some importance to people who don't see him every day. If the blogs become repetitive than I guess that's a good thing right?

The only new 'symptom' that we're dealing with now is that dad seems to be getting short of breath easily. Yesterday he decided to lift a fire proof safe at the house and mom made him sit on the couch and use some of her oxygen. After a few minutes he seemed to be ok. She will be letting the doctor know this. Maybe it's another piece to the puzzle that is my dad right now.

Yesterday he had an ok day. I didn't see much of him because he was sleeping. Yesterday afternoon when I stopped in he was sleeping in his chair at the counter. I said, "Daddy why don't you go to bed if you're tired?" He said, "I'm not tired I just feel like shit." I apologized to him for feeling like shit, gave him a hug and kiss, asked if he needed anything and then left.

We'll see what today brings. 2 days until his MRA, 7 days until his EEG!

11/15/2010

Dad had an ok day today.

They had a visit from a long time friend. Phyllis came up to see them. I had hoped that it would lift dad's spirits but it didn't seem to much. Before she left dad was back in bed because he wasn't feeling well. I know that she didn't expect him to entertain her or anything like that at all but it would've been nice if he could've visited more. Notice I said could've. With dad's stuttering he's not much for conversation anymore. It's not that he doesn't want to, mom and I think that it's because he's embarrassed about it & then he cries. It is so hard to see my dad struggle with this. With mom and I, he will talk. It seems as though if it's anyone else though he won't unless he has to.

I know that mom enjoyed the visit with Phyllis and I did as well! It was so nice to see her! She brought up some vegetable soup and mom said it was fabulous!

That's pretty much it from today. Nothing new has happened. Luckily he seems to be holding in a steady pattern. I just wish that he felt better.

4 Days til his MRA & 9 Days til his EEG!

P.S. If you go to a church and would be willing to, he and my mom would appreciate him being put on the prayer list.

11/14/2010

Today was an ok day for dad. Mom called me around 7:15 this morning and of course seeing their number that early flipped me out a little bit. I answered & mom asked if I felt like going to Wal-Mart. I asked Now? I can think of 100 other places I'd rather be instead of Wal-Mart at 7:30 in the morning. (except for Black Friday ;). I told her that I'd have to get the kids dressed and I'd be down.

Dad and I were off to Wal-Mart by 7:30. He did pretty good for the first 15-20 minutes we were there & then you could see him getting tired. Even with him pushing the shopping cart he was stumbling a little bit. As we were checking out he stumbled a little bit more. I asked if he was ok & he told me yes. It was an obvious lie BUT I understand why. We had my oldest with us. He didn't & doesn't really want her to know when he's feeling really bad. We checked out & headed home.

He stayed up for a little bit once we were home & then went and laid down. He said that he got up about an hour after he laid down and that he felt terrible so he went back in & laid back down again. He's dealing with a lot of dizziness & light headedness. He said that he was stumbling all over after he got up the first time.

Mike, I & the 2 youngest went down and had dinner with them tonight. Dad ate well & then had cake after dinner. I stood at the counter and talked to him for a while to see how he thought his day went. He shrugged & said that it was ok. That he had just been really light headed, dizzy and this afternoon he had a headache. He stuttered on a few words but not as bad as normal. His memory is fading a little bit. He asked if I'd go get his lotto tickets tonight & I told him that we stopped at Casey's this morning and picked them up already. He had no recollection of it.

All in all I think today was a good day for him. He got to see the kids, he laughed, and he ate well. I hope that he sleeps well tonight & I'll be back down there in the morning to see how he is.

5 days and counting until his MRA & 10 days until his EEG!

Today's Been Rough...

Today has been pretty rough for dad. I stopped by this morning around 7:00-7:30 AM and he was sleeping. Asked mom how his night went and he slept really well. He went to take a nap around 4:30 on Friday afternoon & mom woke him up around 8:00pm to take his medicine. My oldest daughter said that he stumbled getting his nightly medicine. Soon after he took his medicine he went back to bed & slept until 4:00 this morning. Then went back to bed by the time that I got there.

He spent some of the day crying because he feels so crappy. There's nothing any of us can do right now. We can watch, give hugs, and tell him it'll be ok. A good friend of his called from work and talked to him. Mom said that he stuttered & cried through most of the conversation. I can't imagine how frustrating that must be to try and have a simple conversation and you just can't. I'm sure some of the reason he cried was because he was embarrassed b/c he was stuttering however most everyone knows that if they call dad, he's going to stutter. He's going to cry. The lady on the phone knows my dad & honestly probably doesn't care if he stutters or cries on the phone just so long as he'll be ok. As a matter of fact I know that she just wants my dad to get better!

Mike & I & the 2 babies went down to see them tonight and he seemed to be doing a bit better. I went in gave him a hug & asked him how he was feeling. His obvious response was, "Not worth a shit." I said, "It'll get better dad." He grumbled.

Before we left for the night I got a few good laughs out of him. It seems odd that, that's pretty much how I gauge how is day is going is if he laughs. Some days he doesn't laugh at all anymore, some days he seems to be in really good spirits.

My mom and I are convinced that part of the reason my dad is doing as well as he is (seems weird to say that) is b/c my 11 yo daughter is staying with them. My dad's world revolves around her and we think that he hasn't given up b/c of her. I told my 11 yo tonight when we left, "Take good care of Grammy & Papa!" Dad said, "She always does, she takes the very best care of us." Proof positive that letting her stay there is in the best interest of her AND my parents. (I've caught a LOT of flack for letting her stay there)

That's all from here for tonight. Only 6 more days until his MRA!!! ~Lisa

Dad's day Yesterday..

I had originally planned on posting this last night but life got in the way! ;)

Yesterday morning I went to my folks' house and dad was stumbling around the house. After trying to figure out what he was doing, he said that he was looking for his flag to fly b/c it was Veteran's Day. My dad, a very patriotic man, always flies the flag on special days like yesterday. He is a Veteran. After stumbling all over for a good 10 minutes my mom and I convinced him to sit down.

He picked up the newspaper and started bawling. He showed us that the news paper only had, in 1/2 inch lettering, in the midst of larger headlines that it was Veteran's Day. He was hurt. He said that soon they'll try to forget it all. The kids no longer get Veteran's Day out of school & the paper can't even headline it anymore. He was pretty upset about it all but I think it was more that he couldn't find his flags & because he was stumbling. What do you do when your dad cries? Hug him. That's all I did.

Mom and I went into the living room and she told me that he was having a pretty bad morning. He says that his brain feels like it's trying to 'outgrow' his skull. I've never seen my dad so sad, in so much pain, and so disoriented at times in my life. Around 9 A.M. I told dad that I was leaving. with the innocence of a child he asked me where I was going. I told him that I had to do a few things at home before work but that I'd be back after work. Anytime I've said that I was leaving he's never questioned it. Yesterday he wanted to know why.

Yesterday afternoon I stopped back in after work and he seemed to be doing a little bit better. His stumbling wasn't as pronounced but his stuttering started showing. He used to only stutter on "I" yesterday I heard him stutter on the letter "B". When I left he was sitting in his blue chair at the counter watching TV. Gave him a hug and a kiss and left.

Yesterday afternoon I made the 'executive' decision to call his 2 best friends and let them know what was going on. They haven't talked to dad in a long time so I figured I aught give them the heads up that he's sick, but ok. Luckily they didn't say I'm sorry, they said, "He's a strong man he'll pull through." I agree. I told the one guy the hardest part is watching someone who you thought was totally invincible since you were a child get sick. His reply, "I'm not a child but I always thought he was invincible too."

I tried calling my uncle however it went to voice mail, when he called back, I was busy with one of my dad's grandkids. I'll return his call today and hope that I can talk to him for a minute. According to mom he doesn't know yet.

That's all from yesterday. Hopefully I'll be able to update tonight instead of tomorrow morning! ~Lisa

All About My Dad....

My dad is a pretty amazing guy. He's got 13 grandchildren and 4 children (3 living) & he's been married to my mom for 30+years!! He's recently become pretty ill, hence the reason for this blog. It serves as a purpose to get out quite a bit of information at once without having to repeat it all the time.

You'll notice that his name will never be given for privacy reasons. Since Caringbridge is the only place that you can actually password protect a blog I'm keeping his name out of this, it's just about him! If you have the link then it's been passed to you so that you can check up on him & see how he's doing. I digress with all of the technical details and such. ~Lisa (Yes I'll give my name. LOL)

My dad was sent home from work a few weeks ago on PSL b/c he was gray, light headed and weak. His GP sent him for an MRI and it came back that he has a Pituitary Tumor. 1 doctor says that it's attached to his Pituitary Gland and one says that it's not so it's really anyone's guess. My dad has since been sent to a neurosurgeon who informed him that his Tumor/Mass/Lesion is 1.2cms. That doctor didn't seem concerned and said that if he was putting out a certain hormone than the tumor could stay. If he wasn't than it had to come out. So far all of his blood work is normal.

He has gotten a second opinion by a Neurologist who said that anything over 1 cm should be taken out. She is also sending him for more testing. He is scheduled for an EEG (measures brainwaves), MRA (measures brain activity), and an psychoanalysis (testing his memory and such). The Psychoanalysis sounds like he's psychotic but he's not. The Neurologist believes that my dad is having TIA's (Transient Ischemic Strokes) aka Mini Strokes.

So far my dad's symptoms are as follows: Stumbles when he walks, feels like his brain is jello, he has started stuttering, his memory is starting to fade from time to time, lightheaded, dizzy, and he can turn an amazing shade of gray at any given time. (Really it's Gray NOT White!) These are just a few of his symptoms. They are pretty scary by themselves but when you put them all together it is down right terrifying.

Anyone who knows my dad, knows that him relying on anyone else is definitely not his strong point. He's always been the provider, the care taker, the 'make everything better' kind of guy. For him to have to rely on anyone is difficult. However, he knows when he doesn't feel well, he does let us take care of him which is great. (That he lets us, not that he doesn't feel well)

That's all from here for today. Hopefully things start turning around soon & we can get a definite diagnosis on him and get him back to where he was a month or so ago! ~Lisa