I completely admit it...

I'm so angry right now. I have lost a lot of 'faith'. Today is my birthday and dammit I want another 32 years with my parents.

I was on the phone with mom last night & she said, "OMG Lisa I didn't get you anything for your birthday.. not even a CARD!" I went quiet for a minute trying to figure out what to say without making her feel bad. I'm not a kid anymore, really it's just another day. I said, "Mom I just want you here for my next birthday." It just kind of fell out before I could even think. Through tears she said, "I'll try my damnest Lisa." Of course this evoked massive tears from me. I can't stand to see my mom cry. I can't stand to see my dad cry either..

I'm so mad. Why my mom? Why my dad? Why can't I just keep them forever? How am I going to break it to the kids again? How am I going to look my Kaitlyn in the eyes and say, "She'll be ok" And actually believe it? I don't believe it. They are going to pump my mom with all these freaking chemicals that could actually make her sicker later. Is this really a fair trade off? I cut the last blog short because I couldn't handle what I was reading. They nicknamed this chemo "Red Devil" AND "Red Death" Yeah because cancer isn't hard enough to deal with. Why not just call it "Death Row"? I mean really.

I'm not handling this well right now at all. I sort of knew that her cat scan was bad because the doctor wouldn't call her back. I think I'm having more of a hard time with the type of chemo. Why does it have to be so harsh. Why is it sensitive to light? WTF is up with it blistering the skin if it makes it out of a vein? Will it do this if they miss her port? Is my mom going to be covered in blisters? They say that the hands and soles of the feet are effected as well. The skin will slough off and her feet will become sore and sensitive. Well WHAT THE HELL. It sounds like slow death in a bag.

J isn't comfortable with this either. She thinks we all need to go in & sit down and talk to the oncologist and ask why this one? Why such a harsh one? Why make my mom suffer when I KNOW there's other types out there? I'm a mix of emotions. I'm pissed off mainly and I'm scared. I want my mom here for another 32 years. At this rate I'll be lucky to have her until I'm 35. My heart is breaking. I don't want to see her lose her hair again. I don't want her to be sick. I don't want her to be weak again. I don't want to have to keep the babies away if they have a sniffle. I don't want to jump everytime the phone rings. I don't want my mom to suffer. I know I'm selfish. Right now I don't care. I really just want to hold my mom and make it all go away. This isn't fair.. I know life isn't fair.. but I'd rather go through this than her. I'm stronger, I'm younger, and dammit I deserve it, she doesn't. She doesn't deserve any of this. It's just not fair.

I just want to scream. Praying isn't working, if it was, my parents would be ok. They're not. I don't want to tell my kids, "Guys, Grammy is going to get really sick again." I don't want my Kaitlyn sweeping up the hair in the bathroom like she did last time so "Grammy won't notice how much she's lost."

I'm so angry & scared. ~Lisa

P.S. I know this one was all about me & not so much my parents.. but I'm hoping if I complain enough maybe I'll feel better. so far it's not happening.