I'm so angry right now. I have lost a lot of 'faith'. Today is my birthday and dammit I want another 32 years with my parents.
I was on the phone with mom last night & she said, "OMG Lisa I didn't get you anything for your birthday.. not even a CARD!" I went quiet for a minute trying to figure out what to say without making her feel bad. I'm not a kid anymore, really it's just another day. I said, "Mom I just want you here for my next birthday." It just kind of fell out before I could even think. Through tears she said, "I'll try my damnest Lisa." Of course this evoked massive tears from me. I can't stand to see my mom cry. I can't stand to see my dad cry either..
I'm so mad. Why my mom? Why my dad? Why can't I just keep them forever? How am I going to break it to the kids again? How am I going to look my Kaitlyn in the eyes and say, "She'll be ok" And actually believe it? I don't believe it. They are going to pump my mom with all these freaking chemicals that could actually make her sicker later. Is this really a fair trade off? I cut the last blog short because I couldn't handle what I was reading. They nicknamed this chemo "Red Devil" AND "Red Death" Yeah because cancer isn't hard enough to deal with. Why not just call it "Death Row"? I mean really.
I'm not handling this well right now at all. I sort of knew that her cat scan was bad because the doctor wouldn't call her back. I think I'm having more of a hard time with the type of chemo. Why does it have to be so harsh. Why is it sensitive to light? WTF is up with it blistering the skin if it makes it out of a vein? Will it do this if they miss her port? Is my mom going to be covered in blisters? They say that the hands and soles of the feet are effected as well. The skin will slough off and her feet will become sore and sensitive. Well WHAT THE HELL. It sounds like slow death in a bag.
J isn't comfortable with this either. She thinks we all need to go in & sit down and talk to the oncologist and ask why this one? Why such a harsh one? Why make my mom suffer when I KNOW there's other types out there? I'm a mix of emotions. I'm pissed off mainly and I'm scared. I want my mom here for another 32 years. At this rate I'll be lucky to have her until I'm 35. My heart is breaking. I don't want to see her lose her hair again. I don't want her to be sick. I don't want her to be weak again. I don't want to have to keep the babies away if they have a sniffle. I don't want to jump everytime the phone rings. I don't want my mom to suffer. I know I'm selfish. Right now I don't care. I really just want to hold my mom and make it all go away. This isn't fair.. I know life isn't fair.. but I'd rather go through this than her. I'm stronger, I'm younger, and dammit I deserve it, she doesn't. She doesn't deserve any of this. It's just not fair.
I just want to scream. Praying isn't working, if it was, my parents would be ok. They're not. I don't want to tell my kids, "Guys, Grammy is going to get really sick again." I don't want my Kaitlyn sweeping up the hair in the bathroom like she did last time so "Grammy won't notice how much she's lost."
I'm so angry & scared. ~Lisa
P.S. I know this one was all about me & not so much my parents.. but I'm hoping if I complain enough maybe I'll feel better. so far it's not happening.
Thursday, December 30, 2010
I lied..
I know I said that I wouldn't put pics & such up.. but I lied. I made these 2 videos for my folks. The first was for my mom's 60th birthday. The 2nd was one I made about a year ago when we found out my mom had cancer for the 2nd time & was diagnosed with stage IV lung cancer. They are comforting to me.
The one for my mom from my dad--
The one for my mom from my dad--
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
There's No Easy Way To Put This...
I apologize for not posting more. Things have been crazy here.
Dad got better for a day. Maybe. He's still stuttering, stumbling, extremely emotional, and now we worry that he's not doing mentally well. He said some things to mom tonight that made her worry. She asked if she needed to call their psychiatrist and he said no. Just keep these things back here with you. That's as far as I'm going into detail with that. Feel free to draw your own conclusion. Dad's not well.
Mom found out Christmas Eve Day that her cancer has grown some more. She starts chemo a week from Friday. The doctor was trying to put her off until after Christmas but my mom was adamant. Finally he called her back. She found out today that the chemo they are using isn't one that's common. She has to have it once every 3 weeks. It's 6 hours long & it's red. It has the chance to make her pretty sick. The most common side effect is diarrhea. She's not too happy & I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be either. I've just googled Red Chemo Drug.. I wish I wouldn't have. It's called the Red Devil for short. She'll lose her hair without a doubt.
That's the update from here. Today, Life sucks.
Dad got better for a day. Maybe. He's still stuttering, stumbling, extremely emotional, and now we worry that he's not doing mentally well. He said some things to mom tonight that made her worry. She asked if she needed to call their psychiatrist and he said no. Just keep these things back here with you. That's as far as I'm going into detail with that. Feel free to draw your own conclusion. Dad's not well.
Mom found out Christmas Eve Day that her cancer has grown some more. She starts chemo a week from Friday. The doctor was trying to put her off until after Christmas but my mom was adamant. Finally he called her back. She found out today that the chemo they are using isn't one that's common. She has to have it once every 3 weeks. It's 6 hours long & it's red. It has the chance to make her pretty sick. The most common side effect is diarrhea. She's not too happy & I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be either. I've just googled Red Chemo Drug.. I wish I wouldn't have. It's called the Red Devil for short. She'll lose her hair without a doubt.
That's the update from here. Today, Life sucks.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
He's Home!!
Dad is finally at home. Last night he looked better than I've seen him look in a long time. He was giving EVERYONE a hard time! It was great! He only stuttered a little bit!
The new neurosurgeon has said that while he does have a pituitary tumor that's not the cause for everything that's going on. We're back to square one. The most 'logical' reason is that something 'clicked' in dad when mom was hospitalized last January. Then came the diagnosis of her stage 4 lung cancer. They're trying to attribute all of this to that. I'm not so sure that I agree however everything else is clear. His brain looks good, all of his blood work is normal etc. He's having his psychoanalysis on the 19th of this month. I need to recheck that date.. that's a Sunday. That can't be right.. anyhow.
I spent 6 very long hours at the hospital yesterday. It was wretched. I loathe hospitals. Dad was surprised that I actually stayed as long as I did, he said, "It's not a bad thing but I'm just surprised." I AM TOO! lol! If I would've had my phone I would've begged Mike to come sit w/ him & then bring him home. On dad & I's drive home I said, "Dad it kind of pisses me off, them saying that it is in your head, we're really back to square one." He said, "It doesn't piss me off at all, we know more now than we did 4 days ago." Which is true, we do. He said, "Now we just know that we need to look other places." Very wise man, even when he's sick he's wise.
I think the whole "It's in his head" deal makes him sound psychotic or something and he's not at all. There's a huge stigma to that. The doctor explained it to mom better, he said, "Something just flipped and it was traumatic to your husband. This is his body's way of reacting to it." It sounded better coming from him I suppose. Every time I say it, it still doesn't make sense. In the end if mom & dad are happy with his diagnosis than who am I to complain or question it?
For this morning, dad is home, he's in his bed, and all is well. Thank God.
The new neurosurgeon has said that while he does have a pituitary tumor that's not the cause for everything that's going on. We're back to square one. The most 'logical' reason is that something 'clicked' in dad when mom was hospitalized last January. Then came the diagnosis of her stage 4 lung cancer. They're trying to attribute all of this to that. I'm not so sure that I agree however everything else is clear. His brain looks good, all of his blood work is normal etc. He's having his psychoanalysis on the 19th of this month. I need to recheck that date.. that's a Sunday. That can't be right.. anyhow.
I spent 6 very long hours at the hospital yesterday. It was wretched. I loathe hospitals. Dad was surprised that I actually stayed as long as I did, he said, "It's not a bad thing but I'm just surprised." I AM TOO! lol! If I would've had my phone I would've begged Mike to come sit w/ him & then bring him home. On dad & I's drive home I said, "Dad it kind of pisses me off, them saying that it is in your head, we're really back to square one." He said, "It doesn't piss me off at all, we know more now than we did 4 days ago." Which is true, we do. He said, "Now we just know that we need to look other places." Very wise man, even when he's sick he's wise.
I think the whole "It's in his head" deal makes him sound psychotic or something and he's not at all. There's a huge stigma to that. The doctor explained it to mom better, he said, "Something just flipped and it was traumatic to your husband. This is his body's way of reacting to it." It sounded better coming from him I suppose. Every time I say it, it still doesn't make sense. In the end if mom & dad are happy with his diagnosis than who am I to complain or question it?
For this morning, dad is home, he's in his bed, and all is well. Thank God.
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Part 2--How His Day Went
Dad was ok, not great but ok. If you're going to see him late morning-early afternoon is the best. After 4 pretty much sucks because he's worn out. I didn't get to see him until after 4 so this will all be later in the day info.
We got there and I got to see him for about 10 minutes before they took him for his MRI. They are now doing one on his neck be alas he has 2 bulging discs in his neck. Everyone keeps saying, "No that has nothing to do with this." So now they're thinking it could? Dad was doing ok when I got there. Quite the smart ass he was being. It was extremely nice to see!
Papa got to see his girl in her dress & then they took him off for his MRI. When he came back crap kind of hit the fan. They've taken him off of ALL of his depression meds, cold turkey. His psychiatrist does NOT know this. How is it possible that they say he needs depression meds but then take him off of all of his.. cold turkey?!?! Moving on...Dad didn't look good when he came in. He was sweating, he was shaking and the tears started to flow. He laid back on his bed and had mom and I's hands held tightly and pulled to his chest. "Daddy ARE YOU OK?!?! DADDY!" Through nods he answered. He gave me a shrug for if he was ok. Apparently being enclosed for the MRI made him extremely claustrophobic. His head was pounding. I went out to the nurses station and asked for something for pain and sort of whispered he's not doing good. The nurse came in & Checked his sugars they were 90, checked his blood pressure--175/93.
The nurse paged his gp and they gave him a dose of Ativan.. ANTI-ANXIETY! Give him his damn depression meds back and you wouldn't have had to do that! (So frustrating!) Mom and I had to leave to go pick up the littles and dad was doing ok when we left. Mike stayed there & J was walking in the hospital doors when mom and I left. Kaitlyn left w/ Mike so she could soak up a little bit more of his time.
I'm unsure how today is going to play out...the weatherman predicted 1-3 inches of snow but we were on the cusp of 3-6, now that I'm looking at the weather channel we're under a warning for 4-7. So I'm not sure who's going where today.
Keep the prayers coming.. something is working. Pray for this new neurosurgeon to figure out what's going on with dad. Anything to make him ok.
We got there and I got to see him for about 10 minutes before they took him for his MRI. They are now doing one on his neck be alas he has 2 bulging discs in his neck. Everyone keeps saying, "No that has nothing to do with this." So now they're thinking it could? Dad was doing ok when I got there. Quite the smart ass he was being. It was extremely nice to see!
Papa got to see his girl in her dress & then they took him off for his MRI. When he came back crap kind of hit the fan. They've taken him off of ALL of his depression meds, cold turkey. His psychiatrist does NOT know this. How is it possible that they say he needs depression meds but then take him off of all of his.. cold turkey?!?! Moving on...Dad didn't look good when he came in. He was sweating, he was shaking and the tears started to flow. He laid back on his bed and had mom and I's hands held tightly and pulled to his chest. "Daddy ARE YOU OK?!?! DADDY!" Through nods he answered. He gave me a shrug for if he was ok. Apparently being enclosed for the MRI made him extremely claustrophobic. His head was pounding. I went out to the nurses station and asked for something for pain and sort of whispered he's not doing good. The nurse came in & Checked his sugars they were 90, checked his blood pressure--175/93.
The nurse paged his gp and they gave him a dose of Ativan.. ANTI-ANXIETY! Give him his damn depression meds back and you wouldn't have had to do that! (So frustrating!) Mom and I had to leave to go pick up the littles and dad was doing ok when we left. Mike stayed there & J was walking in the hospital doors when mom and I left. Kaitlyn left w/ Mike so she could soak up a little bit more of his time.
I'm unsure how today is going to play out...the weatherman predicted 1-3 inches of snow but we were on the cusp of 3-6, now that I'm looking at the weather channel we're under a warning for 4-7. So I'm not sure who's going where today.
Keep the prayers coming.. something is working. Pray for this new neurosurgeon to figure out what's going on with dad. Anything to make him ok.
She Got Mad & Made Things Happen! 1 of 2
I have recently blogged about my mom getting pissed. How things would happen if she got pissed. OH yeah, she got pissed!
Yesterday morning we got a phone call that said that everything that was going on was in dad's head. Basically some traumatic event triggered his brain to say, "Ok, lets be dizzy." and now his body is reacting to this. They are trying to pin this back to my mom's apparent, "Near death experience." (We're all kind of in shock and didn't realize how close to death she was.. apparently.) Anyhow.. that was last January. So it took my dad's brain 10 months of saying, "OK get dizzy, make that blood pressure go up, oh here we're going to give ourself a headache." Before my dad's body fully reacted to it. Crazy much? YES! That's what the doctors were trying to say!!! My mom was in tears, then she took a nap, THEN her adrenalin kicked in & her mouth started going. THIS IS AWESOME!
Last night we went to see dad, I dropped mom off & took Kaitlyn to get a dress for her Christmas program. In the mean time dad's neurologist came in. In her broken English she said, "We gonna starta therapy on you. Ok? This will be our game plan ok?" My mom sitting silently in the corner of the room, fuming pissed because they are not figuring out what is going on, sternly says, "NO! That is NOT ok!" (WOOHOO!) My mom goes on to explain my dad has fluid draining out of his ear, his jaw hurts, and they have taken him off of ALL of his depression meds cold turkey and for the love of God he's HAD therapy!! THIS IS NOT OK! YOU GUYS SAYING THIS IS IN HIS HEAD IS NOT OK!
We now have a second opinion Neurosurgeon coming in to look at my dad. THANK GOD! The neurosurgeon's resident came in last night and said, "THIS IS NOT IN HIS HEAD! THERE IS SOMETHING GOING ON!!!" HALLELUJAH!!! FINALLY! Someone is LISTENING! My dad will be taken care of. It's NOT in his head. Thank GOD my mom got pissed off and let the dr have it. I'm telling you if I would've been there I would've video taped it! It sounds like it was fabulous! This has got to be the turning point where my mom saved my dad.
Now we just have to hope that because whatever is plaguing dad won't stay so inconspicuous and will eventually show itself so that this neurosurgeon doesn't give up too! Part 1--
Yesterday morning we got a phone call that said that everything that was going on was in dad's head. Basically some traumatic event triggered his brain to say, "Ok, lets be dizzy." and now his body is reacting to this. They are trying to pin this back to my mom's apparent, "Near death experience." (We're all kind of in shock and didn't realize how close to death she was.. apparently.) Anyhow.. that was last January. So it took my dad's brain 10 months of saying, "OK get dizzy, make that blood pressure go up, oh here we're going to give ourself a headache." Before my dad's body fully reacted to it. Crazy much? YES! That's what the doctors were trying to say!!! My mom was in tears, then she took a nap, THEN her adrenalin kicked in & her mouth started going. THIS IS AWESOME!
Last night we went to see dad, I dropped mom off & took Kaitlyn to get a dress for her Christmas program. In the mean time dad's neurologist came in. In her broken English she said, "We gonna starta therapy on you. Ok? This will be our game plan ok?" My mom sitting silently in the corner of the room, fuming pissed because they are not figuring out what is going on, sternly says, "NO! That is NOT ok!" (WOOHOO!) My mom goes on to explain my dad has fluid draining out of his ear, his jaw hurts, and they have taken him off of ALL of his depression meds cold turkey and for the love of God he's HAD therapy!! THIS IS NOT OK! YOU GUYS SAYING THIS IS IN HIS HEAD IS NOT OK!
We now have a second opinion Neurosurgeon coming in to look at my dad. THANK GOD! The neurosurgeon's resident came in last night and said, "THIS IS NOT IN HIS HEAD! THERE IS SOMETHING GOING ON!!!" HALLELUJAH!!! FINALLY! Someone is LISTENING! My dad will be taken care of. It's NOT in his head. Thank GOD my mom got pissed off and let the dr have it. I'm telling you if I would've been there I would've video taped it! It sounds like it was fabulous! This has got to be the turning point where my mom saved my dad.
Now we just have to hope that because whatever is plaguing dad won't stay so inconspicuous and will eventually show itself so that this neurosurgeon doesn't give up too! Part 1--
Friday, December 3, 2010
Dear God Just Make My Dad Ok...
It's 3:30 am & I can't sleep. This is how awesome my dad is, even I didn't realize it...
One of his co-workers, we'll call her D, had surgery a few years ago. Dad went to the hospital with carnations or flowers of the like for her. Just to make sure that she was ok. You see, my dad doesn't let many people in. Before he got sick he wouldn't talk to hardly anyone. He just wasn't a very open person. After my brother died he put up a few more walls. Yesterday in the hospital he kept telling J that she needed to get 766, then he'd trail off and say 766666. I thought that he was talking about his lotto tickets. I was wrong. He was talking about D. He wanted her called so that she knew what was going on. The 2nd time I heard him ask, I asked J, what is he talking about?!?! She said He wants D called. I nodded and said ok, I've got 3 of her phone numbers I'll go call.
I went out to the van and called her. She was relieved to hear what was going on. She had gotten a message that dad was in the hospital. Nothing else. She didn't know why, she didn't know his condition or anything. As we chatted she told me the story about dad going in to see her after her surgery and how much it meant to her. I choked back tears as I replied, "That's my dad!" That is my dad. That's how awesome he is. I hung up with her and promised to keep her posted last night.
I went back into the hospital, and saw dad, he was only sort of awake. I said, "Daddy I called D." He said, "WHO?!?!" I said, "D." He didn't understand. I said, "Daddy I called 766." He got an instant look of relief in his eyes. He said, "Ok, Thank you." I said, "She's worried about you daddy." He nodded although I'm not sure it was intentional.
D is coming to see dad today during lunch. I hope that he's feeling better. I know that the day that he went to work to see everyone he was bummed that she wasn't there. It's amazing the power of a friendship!! If this helps him pull through and be ok, I wish she'd camp out in his room!
Why my dad is amazing story #2. Yesterday when we got there, obviously things weren't well. He wasn't coherent, he was coming in and out of consciousness. We're not sure if he was sleeping or passing out. His eyes would roll before his head would slump back. Mom was on one side of the gurney and I was on the other. Both holding his hands. I had the hand that was in the blood pressure cuff so it was cold. Daddy's hands are never cold, not even when he would tuck our hair in our hoods when we were little!
Dad grabbed moms hand kind of like he was going to arm wrestle her. I think it was for a better grip. It took all the strength he had to lift himself the few inches and pucker his lips. He gently kissed mom before he laid himself back on the bed. It was the simplest, yet most powerful form of affection I've ever seen. It took everything he had to lean up and kiss mom. Yet, while he's there on this gurney, he's worried about mom. They have such a phenomenal relationship.
My dad is amazing. Dear God, Just make my dad ok. Ok? He's got too many people who would be devastated to lose him. Me included. Amen.
One of his co-workers, we'll call her D, had surgery a few years ago. Dad went to the hospital with carnations or flowers of the like for her. Just to make sure that she was ok. You see, my dad doesn't let many people in. Before he got sick he wouldn't talk to hardly anyone. He just wasn't a very open person. After my brother died he put up a few more walls. Yesterday in the hospital he kept telling J that she needed to get 766, then he'd trail off and say 766666. I thought that he was talking about his lotto tickets. I was wrong. He was talking about D. He wanted her called so that she knew what was going on. The 2nd time I heard him ask, I asked J, what is he talking about?!?! She said He wants D called. I nodded and said ok, I've got 3 of her phone numbers I'll go call.
I went out to the van and called her. She was relieved to hear what was going on. She had gotten a message that dad was in the hospital. Nothing else. She didn't know why, she didn't know his condition or anything. As we chatted she told me the story about dad going in to see her after her surgery and how much it meant to her. I choked back tears as I replied, "That's my dad!" That is my dad. That's how awesome he is. I hung up with her and promised to keep her posted last night.
I went back into the hospital, and saw dad, he was only sort of awake. I said, "Daddy I called D." He said, "WHO?!?!" I said, "D." He didn't understand. I said, "Daddy I called 766." He got an instant look of relief in his eyes. He said, "Ok, Thank you." I said, "She's worried about you daddy." He nodded although I'm not sure it was intentional.
D is coming to see dad today during lunch. I hope that he's feeling better. I know that the day that he went to work to see everyone he was bummed that she wasn't there. It's amazing the power of a friendship!! If this helps him pull through and be ok, I wish she'd camp out in his room!
Why my dad is amazing story #2. Yesterday when we got there, obviously things weren't well. He wasn't coherent, he was coming in and out of consciousness. We're not sure if he was sleeping or passing out. His eyes would roll before his head would slump back. Mom was on one side of the gurney and I was on the other. Both holding his hands. I had the hand that was in the blood pressure cuff so it was cold. Daddy's hands are never cold, not even when he would tuck our hair in our hoods when we were little!
Dad grabbed moms hand kind of like he was going to arm wrestle her. I think it was for a better grip. It took all the strength he had to lift himself the few inches and pucker his lips. He gently kissed mom before he laid himself back on the bed. It was the simplest, yet most powerful form of affection I've ever seen. It took everything he had to lean up and kiss mom. Yet, while he's there on this gurney, he's worried about mom. They have such a phenomenal relationship.
My dad is amazing. Dear God, Just make my dad ok. Ok? He's got too many people who would be devastated to lose him. Me included. Amen.
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Really Bad Day Today
Dad had an appointment at 11:45 this morning with his regular doctor. Around 11 am his whole world started spinning. Literally. He couldn't walk and he couldn't keep his balance for anything in the world. Mom asked him if he was ok and he said No that he wasn't ok.
J was already here to take dad to his appointment and apparently on the drive down he just got worse and worse and worse. Dad let them put him in a wheel chair to take him into the office. J talked to the Dr. in the hallway and he went into the room and more or less said, "You're going to the ER you don't have a choice. I think that you're having a stroke."
Dad refused to take an ambulance to the ER. J and her husband got my dad into her truck and she took him to the ER. I got the call at 12:20 pm via my mom, "Lisa, dad went to the doctor and he's in the hospital." Since my phone doesn't work in the school I didn't get the call until after I got out of work. I was almost to Fairbury by the time I actually listened to the voice mail. My heart sank. I wasn't really surprised but at the same time I wasn't expecting it to be like this.
I called mom back and asked her if we were going to the hospital. We were. I came here, she was getting dressed and such when I got here. I rushed her to get to dad. He wasn't all that coherent, he couldn't walk, and he was very very weak. When we got there mom had to say "dad" a few times to get him to answer her. It was heartbreaking to say the least. He finally answered her and his head bobbed all over the place his eyes were empty. He was trying but just couldn't focus on anything. His head slumped back, it was hell. Literally.
I went over to talk to him & I got his attention for a minute, I said, "Daddy do you know who I am?" He tried.. he really did. After a few minutes he got it right. It sucks trying to get your dad to remember who you are.
The neurologist came in and I have to say that we really don't care for her. She came in & started yelling his name to get his attention. Dumbass he's NOT deaf, his brain isn't working. Yelling isn't going to make it any better. To prove this point my dad lifted his head and said, "Who are you?!?!?!" She asked if he'd been crying and why was he crying. We're like he does this from time to time because he feels bad. She said, "I think that he needs to be on some sort of antidepressant." Uhm.. brainiac, he's on antidepressants and has been for about 15 years. Ever since my brother died. Pay attention to your files and stop acting like he's just a number. MY DAD IS NOT A NUMBER HE'S MY DAD!
Apparently his MRA and EEG came back fine. Someone is missing something somewhere because this isn't normal and this sure as hell isn't normal for someone like my dad. Not normal for him at all. He knows who his kids are, he knows how to talk properly, he knows how to walk, hell he knows how to do so much that he's a total genius in his own way. People under estimate how awesome he really is.
Tonight in the hospital they did another EEG and another MRI. Hopefully something will show up somewhere. We need for it to. Dad's personal hell needs to be fixed. They need to make him better.
Obviously begging for prayers is an understatement.
I've just re-read this and it's awfully jumbled. I'm hoping somewhere it makes sense.
J was already here to take dad to his appointment and apparently on the drive down he just got worse and worse and worse. Dad let them put him in a wheel chair to take him into the office. J talked to the Dr. in the hallway and he went into the room and more or less said, "You're going to the ER you don't have a choice. I think that you're having a stroke."
Dad refused to take an ambulance to the ER. J and her husband got my dad into her truck and she took him to the ER. I got the call at 12:20 pm via my mom, "Lisa, dad went to the doctor and he's in the hospital." Since my phone doesn't work in the school I didn't get the call until after I got out of work. I was almost to Fairbury by the time I actually listened to the voice mail. My heart sank. I wasn't really surprised but at the same time I wasn't expecting it to be like this.
I called mom back and asked her if we were going to the hospital. We were. I came here, she was getting dressed and such when I got here. I rushed her to get to dad. He wasn't all that coherent, he couldn't walk, and he was very very weak. When we got there mom had to say "dad" a few times to get him to answer her. It was heartbreaking to say the least. He finally answered her and his head bobbed all over the place his eyes were empty. He was trying but just couldn't focus on anything. His head slumped back, it was hell. Literally.
I went over to talk to him & I got his attention for a minute, I said, "Daddy do you know who I am?" He tried.. he really did. After a few minutes he got it right. It sucks trying to get your dad to remember who you are.
The neurologist came in and I have to say that we really don't care for her. She came in & started yelling his name to get his attention. Dumbass he's NOT deaf, his brain isn't working. Yelling isn't going to make it any better. To prove this point my dad lifted his head and said, "Who are you?!?!?!" She asked if he'd been crying and why was he crying. We're like he does this from time to time because he feels bad. She said, "I think that he needs to be on some sort of antidepressant." Uhm.. brainiac, he's on antidepressants and has been for about 15 years. Ever since my brother died. Pay attention to your files and stop acting like he's just a number. MY DAD IS NOT A NUMBER HE'S MY DAD!
Apparently his MRA and EEG came back fine. Someone is missing something somewhere because this isn't normal and this sure as hell isn't normal for someone like my dad. Not normal for him at all. He knows who his kids are, he knows how to talk properly, he knows how to walk, hell he knows how to do so much that he's a total genius in his own way. People under estimate how awesome he really is.
Tonight in the hospital they did another EEG and another MRI. Hopefully something will show up somewhere. We need for it to. Dad's personal hell needs to be fixed. They need to make him better.
Obviously begging for prayers is an understatement.
I've just re-read this and it's awfully jumbled. I'm hoping somewhere it makes sense.
Time for an Update..
Not really sure what to update considering we STILL don't know anything. :/ In the past 2 weeks dad has had his MRA, EEG and a 24 hr 02 check. No results on any of them. How is it possible that if he were in the hospital we'd have the results in 24 hours holiday or not? 2 weeks ago today he had his MRA.. really technology is that slow? Obviously frustration is happening. My mom is frustrated too & doesn't really like to talk about it. We just want to know WHAT is going on.
Dad's been kind of holding steady. Some days are ok and some days are bad. I don't know if he really has GOOD days anymore. Mom said that he's going to try and get the doctors to release him for January 2nd to go back to work. He feels like if the doctors are in no hurry than maybe it's not as bad as he really feels. There aren't any doctors that would give him the ok to go back to work and if they did, the first stumble and dad would be back out the door on medical leave again. This isn't really a bad thing. Mom and I both know that he can't handle going to work, I think he does too. I think frustration is taking over for him. Kind of like, "Piss on you guys, take your time and I want to go back to work." sort of.
I think right now as long as he doesn't give up we'll be ok. We're still praying for all this mess to be fixed my medicine. Hoping that it's TIA's. That would be the best at this point. Really if he just woke up and was back to normal that would be even better!
He is going to see his regular doctor today. Maybe he'll have some answers. J is taking him since I have to work. Well she has to work too but since my job is newer than hers, it's not frowned upon as much if she takes off than if I were to.
We're still hoping for some answer some where. Nobody seems to be in a hurry to get answers. At least the doctors aren't. If they have the answers they aren't in any hurry to tell us what they are.
Signed--Yeah really frustrated post this morning.
Dad's been kind of holding steady. Some days are ok and some days are bad. I don't know if he really has GOOD days anymore. Mom said that he's going to try and get the doctors to release him for January 2nd to go back to work. He feels like if the doctors are in no hurry than maybe it's not as bad as he really feels. There aren't any doctors that would give him the ok to go back to work and if they did, the first stumble and dad would be back out the door on medical leave again. This isn't really a bad thing. Mom and I both know that he can't handle going to work, I think he does too. I think frustration is taking over for him. Kind of like, "Piss on you guys, take your time and I want to go back to work." sort of.
I think right now as long as he doesn't give up we'll be ok. We're still praying for all this mess to be fixed my medicine. Hoping that it's TIA's. That would be the best at this point. Really if he just woke up and was back to normal that would be even better!
He is going to see his regular doctor today. Maybe he'll have some answers. J is taking him since I have to work. Well she has to work too but since my job is newer than hers, it's not frowned upon as much if she takes off than if I were to.
We're still hoping for some answer some where. Nobody seems to be in a hurry to get answers. At least the doctors aren't. If they have the answers they aren't in any hurry to tell us what they are.
Signed--Yeah really frustrated post this morning.
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