Rough Day

I knew today would be rough. I didn't expect it to be this rough. I called mom this morning to see how she was doing. She said, "I feel gaggy & I am NOT doing ANY MORE CHEMO!" She was steadfast on this. I said, "Mom, we've told you before & will continue to reiterate this, it's YOUR body, YOUR rules." I've never been so serious about anything in my life. Dad was going to lay back down so I figured that I'd be taking her down. I think dad was just too stressed to actually do it.

I got there to pick her up & asked dad if he wanted to take her (he was still in bed). He said, "Maybe you should just take her." I said, "Ok daddy, no problem." I left him a note on his counter that said something to the fact of, "Daddy I'll take care of her today & make sure that all of her stuff gets picked up." Mom & I left & we chatted some. She admitted about the time we hit the 4 way stop here in town (66 & 24) that when she looked in the mirror she thought to herself that she looked like she had cancer. She said, "What do you think?" I said nothing. Finally I said, "What do you think about this hot weather?" She said, "I hate it! Gary can keep his hot weather in Florida!" LOL! She said, "I noticed you changed the subject." I said, "Yes, I did." I looked out the window breathing deeply so I wouldn't cry. We chatted a little bit more about stuff in general.

As we got there mom said, "I'm just gonna sit on the bench inside the doors, I'm too weak to walk back." I said, "That's fine mom, I've gotcha." I parked & made it into where she was & got her wheel chair out. I sat her at the end of a row of chairs. & checked her in. I said, "She's supposed to get chemo today but she's done with chemo, she's not doing it anymore." They called her back for her blood work. After an hour of being there mom was getting more tired by the minute. While we were waiting for that hour to pass, my mom looked at me with extremely tired eyes & said, "Please don't leave me here." I said, "I won't mom, I promise you."

I finally went up & said, "She wants to go home. She's done, she's worn out, this is taking too much out of her." The receptionist told me that more or less she couldn't leave. She NEEDED to see the doctor. Within 5 minutes they had all of mom's stats & we were in a room. Her blood pressure looked good but she has lost 14 lbs in the past week. The doctor came in within a few minutes & said, "You're having side effects from the chemo." Mom said, "If this is what this is like, I'm done, I don't want to do this anymore." The doctor told her that he wanted to give her 2 bags of fluid & some Zofran to help with the nausea. He said, "No chemo this week but we can try to cut it in 1/2 next week." Mom said, "I don't want anymore if it's going to make me sick." He said, "I'm going on a 4 day conference with 40K oncologists to find out the latest information on new treatments." He said, "We'll get you the fluids now, No chemo." He left. Just like that.

The nurse came in literally seconds later & Mom said, "Lisa has questions for the doctor but he didn't give her time to ask them." She said, "I'll go get him." I swear this doctor should be called Houdini, he's in & out of a room in SECONDS! Mom is honestly thinking of getting a new oncologist. He has a classic way of tap dancing around the questions. He came back in & said, "You have questions?" I said, "Yes, how much has mom's cancer grown?" He kind of gave me an "Oh Shit" look. I wasn't about to leave that room until I had NUMBERS! I wanted SIZES! He flipped through her chart for a good 3 minutes. I waited, in silence. I was not moving on until we knew. He said, "A month (I think he meant 2 months) ago it was 1.9 cm, now it's 3.9-4.0 cm. It went from the size of a nickel to the size of a 1/2 dollar. I nodded. Then I asked the million dollar question. If she stops having treatments how long does she have left? He looked down as though he really didn't want to answer. I was expecting 6-9 months. He said, "3-5 months." If I wouldn't have been caught off guard I would've asked him how long with chemo. I guess since I asked him such 'challenging' questions I'll just wait til next week.

The nurse came back in & took mom out to get her fluids. I asked how long it was going to be & she said 4-5 hours. She said that she had to drip it in slow b/c otherwise it would surround her lungs. I got mom settled & questioned her a few times if she was ok since I promised her that I wouldn't leave her there. She said that she was fine. I left & headed back to mom & dad's house to drop their van off & pick my car up. I had called dad to let him know what was going on. I told him everything. By the time I got to their house he was sobbing. I hugged and hugged him. It was wretchedly terrible leaving for work with him crying. I asked a couple times if it was ok if I went to work. As much as I did NOT want to call in, it had crossed my mind with everything going on. He said that it was fine.

I went to work & tried to think of everything but what was going on. I made it through the work day & flew outta there so that I could get back to mom & dad's & check on dad. By the time I got back he was ok. I gave him lunch & asked if he needed anything while I was headed back to Bloomington. He had me pick something up for him at True Value & then I was off to see mom.

I called mom & asked how soon she was to be done & she said that she still had a while yet. I said, "Well while you are doing that I'm going to stop by the other doctor's office & pick up your rx & then get your running around done at Wal-Mart." I stopped by the doctor office & in true fashion they didn't have her rx ready. I went to Wal-Mart & picked up a few things that mom needed & then 3 pairs of her pajamas that she loves.

Side Story, Mike was over there with me before I gave her her shower & she was wearing a ratty Cardinal's shirt & one of the cute pairs of pj pants that I had gotten her for Mother's day. When we got home he told me that it bothered him to see her in a ratty shirt & said that if she was going to wear pajamas they needed to be cute pajamas. He tried getting her some in Pontiac when he went on Sunday but they didn't have them. He said, "On Tuesday when you guys are in Bloomington, stop by Wal-Mart and get her 3 pairs." I was flabberghasted. He said, "Well you know how crappy you feel when you're in ratty clothes, so I figure mom aught look cute in her pjs!" LOL He's just awesome!

Ok back on track ;), As I was almost back to The Cancer Center, mom called. She said, "Where are you?" I said, "I'm on my way back are you ready?" She was. I got her in the car & settled & showed her, her new jammies. She was so happy. I absolutely loved seeing her smile. It's been a while since she has & this was just awesome. I told her about Mike's little ordeal about how she needed cute pj's. She said, "Awww!" LOL!

We talked some more on the way home. She asked me what I thought. I said, "We're getting to the point of having to decide quality of life vs quantity." I didn't go much deeper because I really didn't want to cry. Not yet. We had general conversation on the way home along with a few choice words to the drivers who like to tailgate.

I dropped her off at home & helped her in. Dad got to her and sobbed. I don't think I've ever seen him cry so much. He said, "I've prayed and prayed that God would give me her cancer so she wouldn't have to go." I said, "Dad I've prayed that I could take all of you guys' illnesses away from you so I could have them." That one didn't get answered either.

After everyone got settled, I left to get Kaitlyn from school. We stopped back by to see them on my way home. I made them all sandwiches & chatted for a minute. Then I came home.

It's been a very long & emotionally draining day. At this point we won't know if mom will continue her chemo until next week. If she doesn't she will need all of our support & prayers. I am praying that she does what is right for HER. I'm leaving my selfish wishes out of this. I have to. I want to keep her. *nuff said*

Until tomorrow~Lisa

P.S. I'm asking for everyone who knows her to send her a card. Words of encouragement, Prayers, Hopes, etc. If you have a favorite memory please write it inside.