Monday morning mom had her 2nd chemo. Her 3 cocktail chemo. Monday she only had 2 though. She only gets the 3rd every other week. This next Tuesday she'll have all 3 again.
I pulled up to the doors and quickly realized that I'd have to walk her in & help her get settled. Now that her chemo appointments are lasting for more than a couple of hours she has more to bring in. More air tanks, more stuff in her bag, and her laptop. I parked after dropping her off. I unloaded the van of everything she'd need and walked in. She was already seated with her folder that has all of her information in it. As I looked around I realized how many younger people where there with older people. Parents & grandparents with their adult children.
I walked her laptop back to the nurses station and told them who it was for. I turned around to walk out, more people had showed up. There were hardly any chairs available for the new people coming in. Soon the chairs in the waiting area would be empty and the chairs in the chemo area would be filled. I walked over to my mom kissed her on the head & said, "Be a good girl & don't cause any problems." It's my typical response. It's a joke between us. The "cause any problems" goes back to mom getting her Red Devil and her heart rate & blood pressure dropping as the nurses surrounded her.
As I walked out, it was super lonely. I was leaving my mom there to be infused. I instantly thought of what it must've been like to leave me at daycare when she worked. I could just see her bringing all of my stuffs in for the day. Dropping me off in the appropriate area, putting my things in my cubby, kissing me before she left telling me to be a good girl. Then the lonely walk out the door as she headed to work.
How similar & yet foreign this all was. I've dropped my babies off at daycare, it was difficult and yet so similar to what I am doing now with my mom.
Mom did ok with her chemo. She was pretty tired though. She's had a rough week since Monday. The chemo is kicking her butt. She's slept a lot. Yesterday was a really bad day though. She was in bed all day long. She was/is super nauseated. Her anti-nausea meds aren't really helping much. I laid in bed with her yesterday afternoon after I got off work and we talked. I can't even really remember what all we talked about. We just talked. It was odd, yet comforting to lay with her in bed wishing and praying to myself for her to get better. I was there for only about 20 minutes or so til she was ready to go back to sleep. I told her I'd come back down later. She said, "If you take a nap, please set your alarm for 4:45 pm, I need you to come back down and spend more time with me." I said that I would. I came home and just kind of sat here in a daze. This is all happening too quickly. I don't like this. I want it to stop. I want everything to stop. I NEED it to stop. I need my mom to be ok. She's my best friend.
I laid down to keep my mind from swirling. At 4:45 pm my alarm went off. I got up, stumbled out of the bedroom (yeah I slept hard), Mike was home, I said, "Hi, I'm going to moms." He sat out in the garage and talked to me for a minute & then I left. I walked into mom & dad's house, talked to dad for a minute and headed back to see mom. I looked at her oxygen hoses to see which one was connected. Her bedroom hose has a green tip and her office one has a clear tip. The green was hooked up. I walked in her bedroom and kissed her on the forehead. Her eyes only opened 1/2 way. I said, "Hi mama!" She said, "What time is it?" I said, "It's almost 5." She said, "I've slept the afternoon away." I said, "It's ok mom." I laid across my dads side of the bed. (Mom has one of those adjustable beds, dad has a flat bed). I laid my head on her mattress and we just talked. She said, "If I keep feeling like this, I can't do this." I said, "I know mom, it'll be ok." Kaitlyn joined us and laid where I had laid earlier. I instantly thought, mom has 2 generations right there with her. Mom, with her arms around Kaitlyn & I. I took a picture. I don't even care that mom looks ill, soon I won't be able to take pictures.
I appreciate the willingness of my mom to have her picture taken whenever. I'm pretty sure I'll need those when the end comes.
Today, I'm hoping & praying that mom feels human today. That her nausea goes away. That she feels better and that this chemo stops making her SO sick. A little sick is ok, SUPER sick is not.
~Lisa
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