I can't really explain why, I just do. This morning am filled with anxiety. Yesterday was really hard for me. I procrastinated as much as I could. I drug my feet getting ready. Waited til the absolute last minute to get ready. I think I do that so when it's time to go am in a frenzy and then I don't have to think about what's coming. I didn't cry on the way down.
She said, "Lisa, I have a need, well a want." I said, "Mom, I can turn ANY want into a need..just try me!" (My mom has always been huge on, is this a want or a need? LOL!) I said, "What does dad say?" She said, "He doesn't even know, you're the first to know." I said, "Mom, am I your best friend?!?!" I said it jokingly, with a big grin, because it just cracked me up the way she was dragging on telling me what she wanted. She said, "Yes, you're my best friend, so is dad, but you are too." I said, "Woohoo Mom, you're my best friend too!" LOL! Looking back it's pretty comical how we went totally off topic, but at the same time, I think it was necessary. (Of course I'm bawling just thinking about it but I digress)
I said, "Ok mom, what's your need, want, need?" She said, "I'd like to have a little laptop for my chemo treatments. Yanno, one I can farm on." I laughed. I wondered when that would happen. My mom might be in her 60s but she's so tech savvy sometimes. If only I could help her remember how to clear her cookies & temp internet files! I said, "Well, mom, I can turn that into a need." LOL! (For anyone thinking about getting her a mini laptop, do NOT!) ;)
We talked. We laughed. As I was getting ready to drop mom off & help her into the cancer center, I said, "Mom, I really needed this today." She said, "I know honey." I needed that time with her, that time where we didn't focus on what was coming up.
After I dropped mom off I went and got something to eat. I was starving. It was really weird. I was in a fog after I dropped her off. Nothing really made sense. I was hungry but NOTHING sounded good. I ended up at the old stand by of Mc Donald's. As I paid for my early lunch, the lady said, "Have a good day." My mind instantly thought, "Up yours!" Really? Wow. Guess this whole thing was bothering me more than I thought. I ate right quick and went back to be with mom.
She was still in the waiting room. About 10 minutes after I got back, she was called back. They set her up, yesterday she was in purple. (They have different colors for the different nurses) She sat down and started talking about the new chemo, what to expect, what the side effects were. With these 3, diarrhea, nausea, & vomiting is possible. The nurse said, "You will probably lose your hair." We both said, "Probably not." She only lost her hair on the very rounds of chemo. She said, "Well then maybe not, but it's a possibility." She looked at the nurse & told her, "If am feeling sick all the time, I'll be done." The nurse said, "That's completely understandable."
We've told my mom through all of this, this is YOUR body and YOUR decision. It completely is. We won't be mad if ever she decides ENOUGH chemo. We will support her 110%. I wouldn't want to have to go through chemo, be sick, and then stop & have my family mad at me. That's just ridiculous. Although am sure somewhere, some chemo patient is going through it!
Mom did well with the chemo. No bad reactions yesterday. She kept asking me, "Are you bored?" I said that I wasn't. I really wasn't bored. I love being with my mom. We talk about so much. She is completely my best friend. My mom said yesterday, "Lisa, you might end up having to be the strong one after I die. Mike might need you more to lean on than you him." I kind of giggled. Yeah, we're all THAT close to my folks. Then again my folks are just that amazing that it's hard not to be.
I got her DQ for lunch. In true mom fashion she ate her Blizzard first. LOL! Then she complained about how awful their burgers had become. LOL! It was classic. Then she napped. While she napped, I ran her errands for her. I got back and she was talking to someone named Debbie. Apparently I was supposed to remember her. I didn't. I had not a clue who she was. I just remember mom saying, "This is our youngest." Debbie's eyes popped! Apparently I look a little different from 25 years ago. :/ lol!
We got out of chemo at 6:15ish. We drove home. I was on edge and cranky. Mom said, "You always get cranky when I have all day chemo." I do get cranky. It's hard watching her go through this. There's a whole mental preparation I have to go through before I can take her down and not sob the whole time I'm there. I told her that I was extremely stressed out. I was. I was tired b/c I didn't sleep well the night before, and I was just stressed. There's no easy way to put it. I apologized if I was snapping at her. I really don't mean to.
Watching her become pale as she's infused, watching her power port get jabbed as they insert the needle almost made me pass out, listening to the side effects of her cocktail, watching people come and go, watching the bags being changed, the beeps of the IV pumps etc. It just really puts me on edge.
I dropped her off, told her I 'lobr'ed' her and came home. Mike was waiting with a gigantic hug. I needed that. I need him.
The only thing I regret is not going in and hugging dad. I just didn't think of it at the time.
That's it from yesterday. Today we wait and see how things go. Hopefully mom sleeps. Hopefully she doesn't have too many side effects and the side effects she does have, are manageable.
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