Fear

That's the word as of late in this house. Mom talked Friday about being done with chemo. She can't stand being as sick as she is. She hasn't been out of bed since Wednesday except to use the bathroom. Yesterday morning she sat dad & Kaitlyn down & explained to them that she is done with chemo. She can't do this anymore. Her body is tired. Her mind is tired. She is done. 

I cried most of the day yesterday. I've done ok today. I went down around 12:30 this afternoon and saw her. Dad was laying in bed next to her sleeping. I didn't keep anything all that quiet. We talked a bit, I asked if she wanted to get her shower. She did. Then it started storming. I went in their bathroom & cleaned it for them b/c it was in desperate need of a good cleaning. Tomorrow I'll do their shower. As I got her pajamas, towel & washcloth out for her I heard her & Mike talking. He told her that I had broken down the night before. It was true, I had. It's actually pretty freaking awesome that Mike is so comfortable with my folks. 

The storms finally quit and I asked her if she was ready to get into the shower. I got her oxygen set up in the bathroom for her, her shower stool in the shower, and prepared for her to get in the shower. As I did this, it dawned on me, I'd only really sat on the toilet and kept her company when she was in the shower, only helping as she needed. 

I helped her in the shower & as she put soap on her washcloth I told her when she was done to let me know so I could wash her back. I did. As I washed I just kept thinking, "Get it clean, get everything clean, you don't want her having bed sores." Her arms felt too heavy to wash her legs so she let me wash them for her. I washed her hair & put it in a mowhawk for her. I had to do something to keep from bawling. 

My mom, the strong woman had become almost like an adult child in a way. We got her shower done & I sprayed her all off. Helped her out of the shower and she dried most of herself but I dried the rest. My mind went from "Get it clean, get everything clean." to "Get everything dry, don't miss a spot, you don't want a bed sore forming there or any type of infection." I was sort of a wreck. I helped her get dressed & put her cream on her belly so that she wouldn't get an infection there. 

I got her laid back in bed & she said, "Shit deodorant!" I went and got her deodorant for her, she went to take it from me & I said, "I've got it mom." As she laid in bed she said, "Maybe tomorrow I can get clean sheets?" I said, "Mom, while we were in the shower, Mike changed your sheets for you." You could see the relief on her face. 

She was so worn out from just taking a shower & getting dressed. As I watched her lay there I ran through everything in my head. Was I forgetting anything? Was I making sure that she was changing positions enough to make sure that she didn't get any bed sores? Was she comfortable? Did she need anything? I finally figured out that everything was good & I could relax for a minute I asked her if I had done ok. I said, "Mom my biggest fear with you guys being sick is having you guys loose your dignity." She said, "Lisa, you did fine." *whew* That is my biggest fear in the world. They're already sick, I don't want to make them feel any more uncomfortable than they already are.

Once I was satisfied that she was ok, I told her I'd be back in a bit. She said that she was going to nap. 

Right now is the first I've actually stopped and thought about everything. She doesn't want anymore tests. She's done. I'm scared, no scratch that, I'm freaking petrified of her future. My prayers now consist of, "Please don't let my mom suffer." I don't want her to suffer. I want her to be ok. If it's her time to go then please let her go peacefully with all of her dignity in tact. She deserves that. Of course if I could save her & keep her with me forever I would. 

I'm unsure if it's a blessing or a curse to be 32 years old and have never lost anyone that you were close to. Many people know that my brother died @ 22 from Good Pasture Syndrome. I didn't know him though. It was hard to see my parents so upset & to know that it was a sad happening, but to have any actual connection to him? I didn't. Now it appears as though my first lost will be one of the biggest losses of my life. My mom & best friend. 

That was her day today. Tomorrow is Memorial Day, Mike, the babies & I, will be hanging out at the folks' house. We're cooking out & making the absolute most of tomorrow. We're making memories, memories that count.

~Lisa

P.S. I realize that there is a lot of personal-ish information in here. It's meant to be that way. NOT for any reason than for others to realize what is going on & how she is really doing. I hope that makes sense.