The Talk.

The time for THE talk has come. Mom isn't doing well at all. She's sick to her stomach and the anti nausea meds are not working. She's been up and down for the past 48 hours with diarrhea, nausea, heart burn, her throat is sore, etc. She is supposed to have chemo on Tuesday. She is also seeing the doctor then. She is going to discuss what options are left. Either a new chemo or she's done.

I asked her probably the deepest question I could today. "Mom, how do you know when you're done?" She said, "You just know. When you're too sick to really care what happens. When you make peace with the fact that you aren't going to get any better. It's time." (Not verbatim but close) I said, "Kinda like when you meet THE one, you just know?" She said, "Yeah, like that. You know how much I hate being sick. I'm just like my mom. She hated being sick too." I held it together. I held my thoughts together. I held my emotions back. I really wanted to scream, "You can't be done mom, let me do the chemo for you, let me be sick for you." If only it really worked that way.

My mom is slowing making peace with death. I think she's tired. She's tired from seeing doctor's all the time. She's sick of being so tired all the time. Her body is tired. These last 5 chemos have taken a toll on her. The first 2, emotionally, when they just didn't work. The past 3 because they are making her sick. She's starting to have anxiety over the upcoming chemo treatments. I don't want her to have to go through that. It's not fair.

*insert complete meltdown*

I want to do this for her. I want to fight for her. I want to take her pain away. I want to be the one that's sick for her. She's such an amazing mom & woman, that she really doesn't deserve this. She sees it as, if she dies then someone else won't have to.

This is all happening too fast. I'm losing her too fast. She's more than just a wife, mom, grandmother, mother-in-law, aunt, niece, friend, amazingly-awesome-person. She's our family matriarch. She's a caretaker, she's a lover, not a fighter, she has more compassion for the human race than most. She is opinionated and strong. She loves with her whole being. She gives so much more than she ever takes. This is just not fair. I know that life isn't fair, but can't this ONE thing be fair?

I'm selfish, I admit it. I want to keep her forever. Her work here isn't done. It can't be done. She has too many people who love her & are willing to fight for her. What will dad do? His world is my mom. My heart is breaking this afternoon. I don't know how to make peace with losing my mom. I can't. I won't. Not today. Probably not ever.

Listening to my 12 year old daughter tell me that she wants to be there when grammy dies so she can "hold her til she gets to heaven" was about all I could take. She doesn't want Grandma to die alone. Today when I saw my Kaitlyn at work, she said, "Did you check on Grammy & Papa before you came to work?" I said, "Yes baby I did, they were napping." She looked relieved and smiled as she walked away.

I want to be there when she talks to the doctor. I want to know if she takes chemo, the estimated time she has left. If she quits, how fast is this cancer, how long will she have left? I want to know everything. Her oncologist is genius for hiding behind smoke and mirrors. He's overly optimistic about things. We want the cold hard facts. The honest truth.

Today is a sad day for me. I support my mom whole heartedly. It's her decision and her body, it doesn't make it any easier though. My heart is still breaking. If I could do this for her I would. Without question.