Thursday we see another neurosurgeon for dad. We are stressed beyond belief. Praying until our knees are bloody. We have a lot of fear. Fear that this neuro won't take dad's tumor out. If he says no I asked mom what she would do. She said, "We take him to Iowa." It sounds so simple doesn't it? It's not. Insurance does NOT cover Iowa. It will be out of pocket. I fear for my folks' financial stability if we are told no on Thursday. If they are told no, then I have no choice but to set up a benefit for dad. There's nothing else to do.
Iowa hospital is 7 hours away 1 way. I hope and pray that dad can make the trip. I have never been so frustrated and sad at the same time. My dad is sick. We have lots of doctors and yet nobody will help him. Today, I'm praying that this neuro sees the urgency in my dad's health needs. I pray that he sees that dad DOES need this surgery to take this tumor out. Before it gets bigger. Before it takes my dad's vision away. Before it kills my dad. That's the bottom line. If the tumor doesn't come out, my dad will die. He won't see his next birthday. It won't matter if dad takes his own life or if the tumor kills him. If he takes his own life I couldn't blame him. He spends his days being dizzy, having headaches, and crying. Yet nobody wants to help him. (Doctor wise) Any doctors who agree with us don't have the ability to perform brain surgery on him. The ones who do, don't agree with us. It's a vicious circle of hell.
My dad is sick, he's got a cold or sinus infection. He's coughing a lot now. He can hardly breathe. I wonder if he'll even make it to Thursday with as bad as he feels and as sick as he looks. I dreampt the other night that I was standing over dad's casket. I woke up with tears streaming. It sucked. I'm not ready to let him go, if they fix him, he won't be ready to die. Today, I think he would be ok with dying because he is in so much pain. His quality of life is nothing. He sleeps. He sleeps to get away from the pain, the dizziness, all of it. I can't blame him at all. My dad is just a shell of the man he used to be. Yet he still tries to help whoever he can. That's just my dad.
Moving on to my mom who won't talk about herself at all. Not right now. Not with dad being the way he is. She will be having her cat scan soon to find out if this chemo is working. I hope and pray that it is. We need for it to. I question if it is though, she is having a rough time breathing & was talking the other day about upping her oxygen because she just didn't feel like she was getting enough. She's on 4 liters. She is thinking of upping it to 5.
This week was her off week for chemo. It's kind of nice to know that even though it's Tuesday, she won't be sleeping all day. I was standing behind her last night & running my fingers through her hair. Generally her hair is coarse & greasy feeling. It wasn't.. I stood there for a good 10 minutes just running my fingers through it. It was so soft. I told her as much. She said, "That new stuff that you bought for Kaitlyn, I used it." I said, "Well, it's working because I could stand here all night running my fingers through your hair!" LOL!
Between me & you, I was just thankful that she still has hair. Knowing that eventually I'll never be able to run my fingers through her hair again. Sometimes I just go in and stand in the kitchen for a little bit and close my eyes, listening to the sounds of their house. Knowing that one day, their house will be silent. I'm taking mental pictures of everything. The sounds, the sights, all of it. Then I just realize that I want them to live forever. They can't go anywhere. I need them. My babies need them. My babies' babies will need them.
I hope everyone had a great Easter.
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