I Have Prayed, I Have Begged, & Now I'm just Desperate

I went to my folks' house this morning to take mom's teeth to the dentist. She lost a tooth. Down the drain. Luckily she isn't attached to her teeth so I didn't have to take her with. Not that I mind her company but she had a bad night last night. She forgot to change her oxygen tubes & so she slept without her oxygen on. Made for a bad night. She said that she woke up gasping for air a lot. Thank you God for not taking my mom last night. 

Moving on. I have prayed, I have begged, I have pleaded & now I'm flat out desperate. This morning when I went to get my mom's teeth, as I was leaving. My dad stopped me & said, "Here's my Bible, Lisa." I told him a while ago that I wanted his Bible. It has his name on it. There are little papers of places that he's marked in it whether be it recently or not, it's his. At some point those scriptures meant something to him. He said, "If anything happens to me, it's yours. It's sitting right here." I said, "Well tell mom so that she knows." He said, "I have, I've also told her my other wishes as well." He started sobbing. He doesn't want anyone fighting over anything. I refuse to fight for anything. What ever happens happens & no matter what is received or not, it won't bring my folks back after they're gone. Everything in the house could be donated to charity & it wouldn't bother me one bit. It's their wish. He sobbed some more. I said, "Daddy, if you don't have the strength to fight anymore, it's ok, you have a lot of people who will fight for you." He said, "I know." 

Today he looked so tired, so worn out. He's losing hope. None of these doctors are doing anything for him. They tell him he's crazy, he needs counseling, he needs to be institutionalized. BULLSHIT! He said, "I need to go lay down." I said, "Ok dad, lemme help you." He stumbled. His legs weren't working right. I helped him to bed. He laid down and cried even more. I said, "Daddy, did you take any extra medicine today?" I hated asked but I needed to know. He's really bad today. He said that he hadn't. I've never seen him try to be so prepared to die. He said that he's had some really bad dreams. They're about him leaving Kaitlyn. His precious Kaitlyn. I question if he would've made it this far without her. He is her reason for living. 

I got him laid down, tucked him in, kissed him, knelt next to his bed & said a silent prayer, "God, please don't make my daddy suffer anymore. Either fix him or let him go peacefully." My dad is just a shell of the man he was. It's because of the tumor. I fully believe that. 

Today is his big appointment. If this neuro says no, I fear my reaction. I really do. If he says no, we go to Iowa. If we go to Iowa I'll be setting up a benefit for him. I will need help. I'm not good at asking for help. I'll need it though. I don't know how to do it. I've never been to a benefit either so I don't even know how they work. 

If by the grace of God he gets his surgery, I'll need help then too. I'll be taking a leave of absence from work all the while hoping that I'll have a job to go back to in the fall. I'll need ideas of easy meals to make. Quick meals to make etc. Depending on how his surgery goes, I may or may not need sitters for the babies. Their dad isn't seeing them as he should and I really don't want them stuck to my side as I try to take care of the folks. I have already made them sacrifice their sports. They generally play T-ball in the Spring & Christopher was set to play Mighty Mights this fall. I explained that I had to take care of the folks & this is what family does. Sometimes we have to make sacrifices for family. Christopher's reply? "After they die, can I play then?" He meant no malice but is 9 and was honestly wondering. I told him, "Yes bug, you can play after they die." His next question? "How will they see me play?" I said, "Honey they'll watch ALL of your games from Heaven, not just 1 or 2 games a season." He was happy with that. "I'll play for them he said." Bless you my amazing son! 

I'm also looking into taking some sort of crash course classes for me to better help my parents. There are going to come times when I'm going to have to know how to get them in & out of bed. I sort of know how, but not 100%. I need to know how to do bed baths etc. All of the stuff that we take for granted they will need help with. So far I'm not finding anything so if anyone has any ideas it'd be appreciated. 

I think this is all for now. Dad's appointment is at 3:30 P.M. Today. Please send massive prayers that this doctor SEES what really needs to happen & doesn't say that he's mental. If he does I fear the future for my dad. 

~Lisa