Dear 'Your Friend',
Thank You. Thank You is insufficient. Yesterday when I got off of work I went to my mom's. More tears fell. Massive amounts of tears fell. My mom handed me a card. I opened it. Out fell something that was needed for my folks. Something that made my mom think. She has now said that she will TRY to go to Pontiac but if she can't handle it or if I'm not comfortable with it she'll go to Bloomington. Thank You 'your friend'. You have no idea how much the card alone helped. I sit here typing with tears because it proves how much my folks are loved not only by me but by so many other people. I think I know who 'your friend' is but I could be wrong. This generic "Thank You" will have to do until I find out more. Love, Lisa & her folks ;)
I have taken Monday off of work. Tuesday was a super crappy day at work. It was my attitude more than anything else. I cried most of the day Tuesday and most of the afternoon yesterday. The chemo has never NOT worked. I never thought my folks would go to the oncologist and hear, "The chemo isn't working." I always assumed the chemo would become too aggressive and the side effects would be what would stop my mom from taking chemo. NOT that it wouldn't work.
I went in to work yesterday and my boss wasn't there. I asked the ladies if anyone was taking Monday off. They all said no. I explained the situation and explained that while I could show up to work I'm unsure of how much help I would actually be. They all encouraged me to take the day off. When my boss got back and I could talk to her WITHOUT crying I did. She said, "Lisa you only have 1 mom, you have sick days for family illness, use them." Less than 5 minutes later she had a sub for me on Monday.
As it turns out I had to drop an order off to my boss' boss and asked her if my boss had contacted her about me being off on Monday. She said that she hadn't. I explained the situation to her and again she encouraged me to take the time off. Telling me that, "Whatever I needed to do was ok." I love my job. I might only be a lunch lady, but I love it. The hours are perfect. I'm out of my town for 4 hours total per day. That leaves 20 hours to take care of my folks. I need this right now. My co-workers are amazing. They don't get upset with me when I'm having a super bad day and just need to emotionally shut down. They are supportive with my folks' health issues. That alone is worth all of their weight in gold.
Monday I will be with my mom as they infuse her with new chemicals. New chemicals that are supposed to have less side effects than the Red Devil. New Chemicals where she SHOULDN'T lose her hair. I don't know why that's so important to me but it is. Maybe it's because if she has her hair, then I can 'pretend' that she's not sick. Maybe it's because my babies won't see that she is sick. Denial is sometimes nice.
My mom is doing as she's always done. She's put on a smile and a strong exterior. I know seeing me cry doesn't help. For me reality is setting in. One day I won't walk in to the sound of her oxygen machine running. One day I'll pick up the phone to call her and she won't be there. One day I'll send her a text and I won't get a response. One day I'll yell, "I LOBR YOOOOOO" over my shoulder as I'm leaving and there won't be a response. One day I'll desperately need one of her hugs and she won't be there to give me one. My pillow will have to do. Anytime you go into my folks' house when they get home from somewhere the house is filled with the smell of my mom's perfume (Sweet Honesty or Night Magic from Avon) it's an awesome smell. She's worn it for as long as I can remember. One day it won't be there. I asked my mom yesterday. "What will happen when it's not there." She said, "Lisa, you'll sit in the middle of the floor and cry. You'll want to scream and you'll be mad because I left you." Through massive tears I told her that I wouldn't be mad at her for leaving. I couldn't be mad at her for leaving. She said, "It's ok if you are." She said, "You'll sit in the floor and cry as hard as you ever have before." I'm blessed and cursed at the same time. I've never lost anyone I was super close to. I don't know the pain and the finalization of death. I know what it means. I've never truly felt it though. It's a curse that quite possibly my parents will be my first real experience with death.
~Lisa
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