Yesterday

Yesterday

Yesterday while you were just waking up, I had been awake for hours thinking about my mom.

Yesterday while you were getting ready for work, I was trying to build the strength to go see her.

Yesterday while you were dropping the kids off at daycare, My folks were already in the Cancer center & being told what reactions & side effects she COULD have from chemo this time.

Yesterday while you were starting your day at work, I managed to eat something before going there.

Yesterday while you were busy at work, I started my drive to the Cancer center.

Yesterday while you were having your morning break, I walked into a full Cancer Center.

Yesterday while you were discussing the latest shows by the water cooler, I was watching 14 people be infused with IV chemicals that will hopefully save their life.

Yesterday while you were waiting for lunch, I watched my mom get pumped with Doxil.

Yesterday while you were heading to lunch, I watched my mom have a reaction to Doxil.

Yesterday while you were eating your lunch, I saw 3 nurses surround my mom and try to figure out why her body was having a reaction to the Red Devil.

Yesterday while you were coming back from lunch, I saw them pump her full of antihistimines to force her body to take this chemical.

Yesterday while you were hitting the mid day lull, I was finally able to leave and get my folks some lunch.

Yesterday while you were dreaming of getting off of work, I watched 4 people leave freshly infused with chemicals.

Yesterday while you were on your drive home from work, I saw my mom start to sweat and get pale.

Yesterday while you were stuck in traffic, I saw my mom finish her first dose of Red Death.

Yesterday while you greeted your family, I helped my mom to the car so she could go home and crash.

Yesterday while you were making dinner, I took my mom home and helped her get in the house.

This morning while you are still sleeping, worn out from your work week, I am awake awaiting a phone call to see how my mom did last night.

Today I will be praying for my mom's health to improve although I know it won't.

Today I will be praying that the chemo doesn't make her sick.

Today I will be having family pictures taken, all the while hoping that these aren't our last family pictures.

As much as I'd love to ask if you'd like to trade days & lives, I won't. I'm meant to live this life because quite frankly, few could handle this.

Yesterday Was Hell, Tomorrow Will Be Hell...

Yesterday I talked to mom & found out that dad had a 'spell'. I stopped by their house last night to drop dinner off & mom told me that dad had one of his 'spells'. I inquired more because he has different spells. He has spells where he stutters, spells where he can't think, spells where he's in pain etc. Mom couldn't really explain it just said that he wasn't feeling well at all. Keeping all of this in mind when I talked to her around 1:30 yesterday afternoon she said that she thought that he was feeling better than he had the previous day. I guess on Tuesday he slept most of the day. By 6pm last night he wasn't feeling well.

Last night dad called around 7pm to ask about one of Kaitlyn's problems and he said, "I think the answer is 20 but I'm not feeling good so I could be wrong." I said, "No dad that's the right answer." I confirmed with Mike just to be sure. After we got Kaitlyn's problem squared away, I asked him how he was feeling or what happened this afternoon to make him feel bad. He said, It felt like he had fallen and hit the back of his head. He said the room was spinning and (He said again) it just felt like he had fallen and hit the back of his head on cement. He said that he was disoriented as well. He laid down and when he got up I'm assuming he felt a little bit better. He stuttered a little while he was on the phone. Anymore it's not really shocking to hear him stutter. It used to take my breath away and make me feel like shit. Now I'm used to it. Never ever thought I'd say that.

Tomorrow mom starts her chemo. I can't really get my head out of my ass to look at this in perspective. It has consumed me and that's not really a good thing. I'm thinking of taking off work tomorrow so that I can go with her. Dad will be there but 6 hours is a very long time for him to be out of the house and away from his bed if he starts feeling crappy. I have errands that I can run in Bloomington while she's there. I just don't see dad being able to handle the 6 hours away from home. If mom feels bad after chemo and dad feels bad how are they going to get home? I'm going to talk to mom this morning about it. Explain my concerns and see if she agrees. If she does then I'll be taking tomorrow off of work.

Who am I kidding? I just don't have a good feeling about tomorrow, that's why I want/need to be there. So much for sugar coating huh? Hopefully tomorrow goes off without a hitch. Hopefully mom feels well enough on Saturday for pictures. That's the update..

P.S. I bought them the Grandparents tell me a story book for the babies. It's a guided journal for them to talk about their lives. When the babies are old enough it'll be given to them.

Mom Had an Appointment with the Lung Specialist Today.

Mom had her appointment w/ Dr. B today. This was a pretty important appointment if we wanted to get his take on how she's doing and what's going on with her lungs. Simply put, her cancer has grown. In 4 months it's gone from approximately the size of a cherry to the size of a plum. The type she has is called Adenocarcinoma

She is going to be starting Doxorubicin on Friday. There are some scary definitions out there about this Chemo. It's the same as I've posted about before but her lung doctor says that this is one of the best used to treat Adenocarcinoma.

My mom has to go back on her oxygen 24/7 while at home. When she's out in public she doesn't have to. It's a bit of a compromise between them both. Dr. B really wants her on it all the time, My mom loathes wearing it so this was a happy medium. Plus she's home more than she's not.

Mom goes in at 8am on Friday for her first treatment. She goes once every 3 weeks which is different from her 3 weeks on 1 week off schedule.

If anyone is planning on visiting my folks, please pay attention to your body. If you have the sniffles, even slight ones, do not visit. If you have a cough don't visit. Chemo kills your white blood cells which makes you extremely susceptible to infection. Any fever over 100.5 is an automatic visit to the doctor for her. When you come in wash your hands immediately. I know this seems harsh but if my babies can do it anyone visiting can as well ;). Purell works too ;)

This is the latest update on my mom. Prayers are welcomed. If you know her name feel free to add it to any and all prayer lists please.

We Told The Babies.

Yesterday I picked my babies up from their dad. They were so anxious to get home and finally play with all of their new toys!! Unfortunately I had to make a pit stop at Grammy & Papa's house first. I texted Mike and let him know that we would be there in 10 minutes. Texted my mom to tell her we'd be there in 10.

We got there and the kids were out of the car before I even got it shut off. They were so excited to see everyone again! Papa was standing at the door awaiting their arrival. Big hugs all around as they went in. My babies had no clue what we were about to lay on them. It really sucked actually.

We all went in the living room and sat down. I took the DS from Christopher who was not happy about it. Dad sat at the table, Mike on the couch, Mom in her chair, 2 babies on the couch and Kaitlyn on Grammy's lap. I got a pretty good pic of Kaitlyn and mom together, both smiling. It was great. I looked at the floor, and said, "Guys remember about a month ago we sat you guys down and told you that Grammy had to have another test on her lungs to see about her cancer?" Kaitlyn got the instant look of fear. I didn't really pause and kept going. I had the nerve for all of 2.5 seconds and I just needed to blurt it before I started crying. I said, "Guys Grammy is sick again, she has to take more chemo." Kaitlyn cried. It wasn't super loud but she is sad, she's hurt. She's scared. All she kept saying was, "Grammy you can't leave me, I don't want to lose you." That was very hard to hear. She's saying everything that we as adults hold in so that my mom doesn't 'feel bad'. Maybe 'feel bad' are the wrong words.

She cried a little bit as I asked if they had questions. I explained that basically chemo is a really big antibiotic. Sometimes if you take a lot of a medicine it can make you sick. Told them the chances of Grammy losing her hair was pretty good. Explained that Grammy is taking this medicine that might make her sick, to make her better in the end & give us more time with her. Christopher point blankly said, "Yeah if she doesn't she'll just die." I nodded. Children have a way of either accepting or smacking you in the face with reality. Kayla & Christopher both seem to grasp that Grammy is sick & that eventually she'll die. If only they knew what die really meant. They have an idea.. but not the total picture yet.

All in all I think all the kids took it a lot better than we thought they would. They are dealing a lot better than I am. They are dealing a lot better than Grammy & Papa are. For once I'd kill to be a kid. To be shielded from this kind of pain. To be shielded from the hell that my mom will endure so that we can have her longer. Lets face it, Chemo is for the relatives, not so much the person taking it. Agreeing to go on a medicine that you KNOW will make you sick is selfless. Silly me I call it medicine.. lets face it.. it's chemicals in a bag.

Dear God.. don't take my mom. Don't take my dad. Find someone else to take please. ~Lisa

Selfish Post--My 2011 New Years Resolutions.

1) Keep my mom & dad alive to see 2012.
2) Don't kill any stupid people.

Really that's all. It's not a long list. Although it doesn't seem like much.. right now we're at the bottom of a mountain. Once we get to the other side I hope I have both of my parents.

I completely admit it...

I'm so angry right now. I have lost a lot of 'faith'. Today is my birthday and dammit I want another 32 years with my parents.

I was on the phone with mom last night & she said, "OMG Lisa I didn't get you anything for your birthday.. not even a CARD!" I went quiet for a minute trying to figure out what to say without making her feel bad. I'm not a kid anymore, really it's just another day. I said, "Mom I just want you here for my next birthday." It just kind of fell out before I could even think. Through tears she said, "I'll try my damnest Lisa." Of course this evoked massive tears from me. I can't stand to see my mom cry. I can't stand to see my dad cry either..

I'm so mad. Why my mom? Why my dad? Why can't I just keep them forever? How am I going to break it to the kids again? How am I going to look my Kaitlyn in the eyes and say, "She'll be ok" And actually believe it? I don't believe it. They are going to pump my mom with all these freaking chemicals that could actually make her sicker later. Is this really a fair trade off? I cut the last blog short because I couldn't handle what I was reading. They nicknamed this chemo "Red Devil" AND "Red Death" Yeah because cancer isn't hard enough to deal with. Why not just call it "Death Row"? I mean really.

I'm not handling this well right now at all. I sort of knew that her cat scan was bad because the doctor wouldn't call her back. I think I'm having more of a hard time with the type of chemo. Why does it have to be so harsh. Why is it sensitive to light? WTF is up with it blistering the skin if it makes it out of a vein? Will it do this if they miss her port? Is my mom going to be covered in blisters? They say that the hands and soles of the feet are effected as well. The skin will slough off and her feet will become sore and sensitive. Well WHAT THE HELL. It sounds like slow death in a bag.

J isn't comfortable with this either. She thinks we all need to go in & sit down and talk to the oncologist and ask why this one? Why such a harsh one? Why make my mom suffer when I KNOW there's other types out there? I'm a mix of emotions. I'm pissed off mainly and I'm scared. I want my mom here for another 32 years. At this rate I'll be lucky to have her until I'm 35. My heart is breaking. I don't want to see her lose her hair again. I don't want her to be sick. I don't want her to be weak again. I don't want to have to keep the babies away if they have a sniffle. I don't want to jump everytime the phone rings. I don't want my mom to suffer. I know I'm selfish. Right now I don't care. I really just want to hold my mom and make it all go away. This isn't fair.. I know life isn't fair.. but I'd rather go through this than her. I'm stronger, I'm younger, and dammit I deserve it, she doesn't. She doesn't deserve any of this. It's just not fair.

I just want to scream. Praying isn't working, if it was, my parents would be ok. They're not. I don't want to tell my kids, "Guys, Grammy is going to get really sick again." I don't want my Kaitlyn sweeping up the hair in the bathroom like she did last time so "Grammy won't notice how much she's lost."

I'm so angry & scared. ~Lisa

P.S. I know this one was all about me & not so much my parents.. but I'm hoping if I complain enough maybe I'll feel better. so far it's not happening.

I lied..

I know I said that I wouldn't put pics & such up.. but I lied. I made these 2 videos for my folks. The first was for my mom's 60th birthday. The 2nd was one I made about a year ago when we found out my mom had cancer for the 2nd time & was diagnosed with stage IV lung cancer. They are comforting to me.

Make an on-line slideshow at www.OneTrueMedia.com

The one for my mom from my dad--

Make an on-line slideshow at www.OneTrueMedia.com