Thursday is the Day.

Thursday we see another neurosurgeon for dad. We are stressed beyond belief. Praying until our knees are bloody. We have a lot of fear. Fear that this neuro won't take dad's tumor out. If he says no I asked mom what she would do. She said, "We take him to Iowa." It sounds so simple doesn't it? It's not. Insurance does NOT cover Iowa. It will be out of pocket. I fear for my folks' financial stability if we are told no on Thursday. If they are told no, then I have no choice but to set up a benefit for dad. There's nothing else to do.

Iowa hospital is 7 hours away 1 way. I hope and pray that dad can make the trip. I have never been so frustrated and sad at the same time. My dad is sick. We have lots of doctors and yet nobody will help him. Today, I'm praying that this neuro sees the urgency in my dad's health needs. I pray that he sees that dad DOES need this surgery to take this tumor out. Before it gets bigger. Before it takes my dad's vision away. Before it kills my dad. That's the bottom line. If the tumor doesn't come out, my dad will die. He won't see his next birthday. It won't matter if dad takes his own life or if the tumor kills him. If he takes his own life I couldn't blame him. He spends his days being dizzy, having headaches, and crying. Yet nobody wants to help him. (Doctor wise) Any doctors who agree with us don't have the ability to perform brain surgery on him. The ones who do, don't agree with us. It's a vicious circle of hell.

My dad is sick, he's got a cold or sinus infection. He's coughing a lot now. He can hardly breathe. I wonder if he'll even make it to Thursday with as bad as he feels and as sick as he looks. I dreampt the other night that I was standing over dad's casket. I woke up with tears streaming. It sucked. I'm not ready to let him go, if they fix him, he won't be ready to die. Today, I think he would be ok with dying because he is in so much pain. His quality of life is nothing. He sleeps. He sleeps to get away from the pain, the dizziness, all of it. I can't blame him at all. My dad is just a shell of the man he used to be. Yet he still tries to help whoever he can. That's just my dad.

Moving on to my mom who won't talk about herself at all. Not right now. Not with dad being the way he is. She will be having her cat scan soon to find out if this chemo is working. I hope and pray that it is. We need for it to. I question if it is though, she is having a rough time breathing & was talking the other day about upping her oxygen because she just didn't feel like she was getting enough. She's on 4 liters. She is thinking of upping it to 5.

This week was her off week for chemo. It's kind of nice to know that even though it's Tuesday, she won't be sleeping all day. I was standing behind her last night & running my fingers through her hair. Generally her hair is coarse & greasy feeling. It wasn't.. I stood there for a good 10 minutes just running my fingers through it. It was so soft. I told her as much. She said, "That new stuff that you bought for Kaitlyn, I used it." I said, "Well, it's working because I could stand here all night running my fingers through your hair!" LOL!

Between me & you, I was just thankful that she still has hair. Knowing that eventually I'll never be able to run my fingers through her hair again. Sometimes I just go in and stand in the kitchen for a little bit and close my eyes, listening to the sounds of their house. Knowing that one day, their house will be silent. I'm taking mental pictures of everything. The sounds, the sights, all of it. Then I just realize that I want them to live forever. They can't go anywhere. I need them. My babies need them. My babies' babies will need them.

I hope everyone had a great Easter.

Pictures, Doctor's Appointments, and Health, OH MY!!

First things first, the folks are doing ok.

Saturday Dad's good friend, D, came up & took family pictures. It was so fabulous!! We had such a great time & couldn't thank her enough! D has been an phenomenal source of strength for me. She is completely understanding of everything that we are going through. When crap gets tough she is always there to listen. I absolutely adore her. My Dad only picks good people to be in his life & she's one of them! She spent 2 hours taking over 200 pictures of the family. How do you thank someone who took time out of their own schedule to spend time with your family, taking any and all pictures possible? Feel free to email with ideas. I can't wait to see the pictures!

There was only 1 sad time when we were taking pictures. My mom wanted one of herself, she wanted one of dad as well. She kind of sprung it on me and I choked back tears as she explained that she wanted a good single picture of her and dad for their obituaries. We didn't think dad would understand why we wanted a pic of him alone but as they were driving home dad said, "I can die now, I have a picture for my obituary." Again choking back tears. This isn't supposed to happen yet. They're too young to die. I digress.

Through my conversations with D, we are thinking that dad is willing himself to die. He made the comment to J, that he wasn't going to bury mom. I mentioned that to mom & she said that someone else had told her the same thing. My dad is essentially giving up. As sad as it is it's kind of a comfort to know that dad trusts us with mom. As D said, "He knows that if he dies, he'll see your mom again soon." It's a painful realization.

Moving on. We'll start with mom, she's easier right now! Yesterday she had an appointment with her oncologist. The oncologist thinks that she looks good! She hasn't started losing her hair yet. She hasn't had many side effects from the chemo as of yet. She's tired, and that's her main complaint. She smiles, she laughs, she's in good spirits. Maybe it's a front for us. Such a selfless woman she is. As I've said before, "Chemo is for the family, not for the patient. Who would willingly open themselves up for chemicals repeatedly to live when in all actuality it might only buy you a year or more?" I learn everyday what it's like to be a mom from my mom. I've been one for 12 years however learning how to be a mom to older kids is what I'm taking notes on right now.

Now onto dad. He's not so simple right now. He's feeling like crap. He's stuttering, he's stumbling, and he looks gray 90% of the time. Yesterday was a great day. He was happy and joking and only stuttered slightly. It was fabulous. You see, my dad has new found hope. Yesterday he had 2 doctor's appointments. One was w/ his regular doctor because his right breast was hurting and there was a lump there. My mom couldn't feel anything so I went down and felt. There was something there, what, I didn't know. Dr. Jani told dad that he has inflamed breast tissue. To be sure that's all it is, he rx'ed anti-inflammatories and dad has an ultrasound on his right breast. This could possibly have something to do with his tumor. We're kind of hoping that it does. If it does then dad goes in for brain surgery to get rid of his tumor and we hopefully get the happy dad back!

Moving on, Dad saw his heart doctor yesterday as well. His heart doctor threw a massive fit saying that everything that is going on with dad is NOT stress related and basically everyone else is full of shit and lazy because dad's symptoms are REAL. Something IS going on with him and his heart doctor, Dr. Murphy, is going to get to the bottom of it. He's going to find out what is going on inside of dad's body. Thank God.

That's the update from here. Hopefully soon we'll have more information on what's going on. Hopefully mom continues feeling pretty well.

To My Daddy,
      Don't give up yet. You have so many people fighting for you. When you're too weak to fight for yourself use our strength to pull you through. You mean so much to so many people. We love you so much!! ~Lisa